CHAPTER 197

 

About Emperor Nero

 

“[Nero] planned an expedition to the Caspian Gates, enrolling a new legion of Italian-born recruits, all six feet tall, which he called “The Phalanx of Alexander the Great.” (1)

 

-o-o-o-

 

You may think Koinos’ words moved Alexander, after all his arguments were reasonable and did nothing but illustrate what had become our reality in the last year, but the truth was very different. I went to bed feeling my body exhausted and my mind numb, it was a wonder I was able to sleep at all but I suppose that, after days lying there just staring at the ceiling my tiredness was stronger than my worries. Next day I woke up at sunrise and walked around my tent, like a cage beast, tying to decide if it was or not a good idea to talk to Alexander.

 

Many of my Companions and friends came to have breakfast with me, but I knew they did it not seeking the pleasure of my company but wanting to hear my opinion about last day’s meeting…

 

— Perddikas, Alexander and I haven’t talked since the day I came back with the rest of the troops –said Hephaistion while a very busy Kyros hurried to serve the food, running from one end of the table to the other.  

 

— But you must know something –the hipparch insisted.

 

— I must? –the commander raised an eyebrow.

 

— I did not mean it like that… —Perdikkas sighed— What I want to know is if you have any clue of what is Alexander thinking or…what do you think he will do after yesterday’s meeting.

 

— Any clue would be great –agreed Ptolemy, nodding— The men are growing restless and…I don’t know how to say this, and I am not saying I support this kind of thought or that I approve, it just happened that I was walking…

 

— Yes, Ptolemy, we understand, just tell us –Leonnatos interrupted him.

 

— All right –Ptolemy straightened himself and cleared his throat— If Alexander insists to cross the Hyphasis the men are perfectly capable of leaving him here.

 

They all fell silent until Hephaistion sighed.

 

— I imagine something like this could happen –he said at last, seeing how all his fears were coming true— I talked to Alexander when I came back and he told me the same he told all of you yesterday –that was half true but if the commander repeated exactly the King’s words he would cause even more damage— I don’t think he will agree to go back even if I agree he should do it.

 

— Can’t you talk to him again? –Perdikkas insisted— He listens to you and…

 

— No –said Hephaistion coldly, remembering his lover’s anger and the way he had treated him.

 

— Phai, you can convince him to change his mind –said Leonnatos.

 

— I cannot! –the commander raised his voice. He sighed— I’m sorry, I didn’t… —he closed his eyes for a moment— Alexander is not listening to anyone, not even me, and all I can do is hope he will see reason and agree to go back…but I doubt it.

 

— Holy Mother #%&/ With $%&/ On Top! –exclaimed Perdikkas.

 

— If you can’t convince him –said Ptolemy, shaking his head— Then, we are all doom. 

 

I truly wanted to give them some hope but, knowing my lover as I did, and knowing how stubborn he was, I knew he would not change his mind. And again, it gave me no pleasure to be right. Later that morning my King summoned his officers again and it was clear, even for the grooms at the stables, that his mood was even worst than the day before. Alexander declared, with that tone of voice of his that said his words were final, that he would not force anyone to follow him but he would continue his journey to the Ocean…

 

— “I shall have others” –said the King that day, the vein on his forehead popping out— “Who will need no compulsion to follow their King. If you wish to go home, you are at liberty to do so, and you may tell your people there that you deserted your King in the midst of his enemies.”(2)

 

And, after his short speech, he dramatically stormed out of the room leaving behind his extremely worried, extremely paled, and extremely scared, officers.

 

XXX

 

— Phai, aren’t you going to do something? –asked Nikandros, arriving at his tent 2 days after Alexander had addressed his officers for the last time. Again, as if was his custom, he did not knock and just entered as if he owned the place. 

 

— About what? –Hephaistion did not even bother to look at him, he remained seated in front of his desk, writing a letter to his friend Scipio.

 

— You know precisely about what –his brother sat down in front of him, but the commander ignored him. Nikandros puffed his cheeks out and snatched the piece of parchment to force his brother to look at him— It has been 2 days since Alexander looked himself inside his tent, refusing to see anyone or even to eat. Aren’t you planning to do something? 

 

The commander leaned his back against the chair and took a moment before answering. After Alexander stormed out from the room leaving his crestfallen officers to whisper among themselves like scare old women, he had refused to eat and had locked himself inside his room, as he did after Kleitos died— Undoubtedly he is waiting the men to behave just like they did after Kleitos’ death, he is waiting for them to come to his tent and beg him to come back asking for his forgiveness –sometimes it gave Hephaistion the impression that, the true lover of his King was the army.

 

— No, Nick. I am not planning to do a thing –those words left Nikandros stunned.

 

— Why not? –the lochagos was genuinely surprised— Aren’t you concerned?

 

— He is making a tantrum –said Hephaistion, angry. He hated when the King behaved like this and he felt exactly the same anger that had invaded him when he had arrived at Maracanda and had heard the news of what had happened— Alexander is trying to force the men to change their mind, that’s why he is threatening to starve himself to death and I am not going to play that game. I am not going inside his tent to beg him to be reasonable because he has to learn there are thing he simply cannot do –he brushed his hair back— I told him, after the battle of Issus, that he is not a God to decide our fate, and he cannot force the men to risk their necks just because he says so.  

 

Even if Nikandros agreed with many of the things his brother said he knew something else was happening here. It was incredible how someone, who hated sentimentalism and made fun of people who liked to talk about their feelings, could be so good understanding his brother…but with Hephaistion nothing was how it was suppose to be.

 

— Tell me something –said the lochagos– Aren’t you telling me this just because Alexander refused to listen to you?

 

The commander narrowed his eyes.

 

— If you are suggesting that I am angry with him for ignoring me this last week…

 

— That is exactly what I think –his brother interrupted him, leaning to the front— Phai, I am not judging you, in fact, I understand. If I were Alexander’s lover I would also be angry with him. He has been acting like a jerk with everyone and is not even talking to you.

 

Hephaistion sighed— Maybe Nick is right. He has never treated me like this before; Alex had been angry with him men, yes, or in a horrible mood, but not ignoring even me.

 

— I don’t know –he admitted feeling a little calmer.

 

— I agree with you in many things but, I truly think you should talk to Alexander –said Nikandros.

 

— I already did that and it didn’t turn out very well, have you forgotten?

 

— Gee, I didn’t know you were the type that gave up so easily –said his brother and, for a moment, both fell silent.

 

— You just want to go home and that is why you are sending me to Alexander’ tent –said Hephaistion suddenly and his brother laughed.

 

— Fine, you got me –the lochagos threw his arms in the air— But I wouldn’t have come if Aki hadn’t failed.

 

That was new.

 

— What happened to Aki? –the commander frowned.

 

— I asked him to talk to your lover yesterday and, guess what? Alexander refused to see him –Nikandros explained.

 

This is serious –Hephaistion leaned to the front and rested his arms on the table. One thing was that Alexander was angry with the world but another completely different to refuse to see even their son. 

 

— You win. I’ll go to talk to him –his brother patted his arm with a big smile.

 

XXX

 

Stepping inside the royal tent was like entering in Hades’ domains. Every window closed, very few lamps lit and no servants around— It’s like a tomb –the guards had orders that the King did not want to be disturb but they knew better than stop Hephaistion. The commander went directly to his lover’s room, taking deep breaths, trying to remain calm and squeezing his brain to find the right words to confront him— If there is such a thing as “the right words” for this situation.

 

He reached his destination and stopped at the threshold, finding the King sitting on a chair and reading the Iliad. The room was a mess, the same as his lover who hadn’t changed his cloths or even brushed his hair— I stand corrected, this IS a tomb. 

 

— How long are you planning to stay here? –said the commander as a greeting, his voice firmed but cold and Alexander took his time before answering

 

— I said I wanted to see no one –the King answered, his eyes still on the old scroll resting on his thighs— Or is it that now even this simple order is going to ignore?   

 

— You want to see no one, not even me? –this time Alexander lifted his head and faced him. He truly looked as bad as he felt.

 

— Have the men come to their senses?

 

— Have you?

 

— You are mocking me –said the King angry, the vein on his forehead a silent reminder of his horrible mood.

 

— And you are acting like a child –Hephaistion approached him— Do you think this is how a King should behave? 

 

— King? Thank to them –he pointed at the door with his arm— I am no more King than Koinos, although I bet you they are more willing to obey him than me.

 

Hephaistion could scarcely believe his words.

 

— Why are you acting like a fool? You know everything Koinos said is true…

 

— So, now you are on Koinos’ side? –Alexander stood up, the Iliad falling to the ground and unrolling like a carpet.

 

— I am on reason’s side –Hephaistion raised his voice— What you are asking of your troops is a crime. These men left everything for you, watched their friends die for you and after 8 years its obvious they want to go home.

 

— I am their King! They have to obey me.

 

— They follow you because they love you not because they have to obey you.

 

— If they loved me then, why are they abandoning me?

 

— They are tired! –Hephaistion exclaimed, his patience was running out. He was one step of hitting the King— Let them go home. I told you days ago: This. Is. Over –he enunciate and the blond watched him as if he did not know who he was.

 

— I never though that you, of all people, would abandon me –Alexander was furious, hurt and sad— You who always claimed to love me…Have all your love promises been lies?  

 

That proved to be too much for the commander, he lost his temper and hit the King with all his forces and finally releasing all the emotions that had assailed him for days. They fought as if they wanted to kill the other, almost with hatred, destroying the furniture and everything that had the bad luck of being on their way. Kicking, biting, punching. But, even if Alexander was a good warrior, he was no match for Hephaistion and the commander soon had him face down on the floor.

 

— LET ME GO! –demanded the King with his beloved sitting on his back while holding his hands painfully behind his back.

 

— Not until you calm down –said Hephaistion angry through clenched teeth. He could feel his jaw throbbing in the place Alexander had hit him.

 

The King grunted, snorted and tried to release himself, like a wild beast, but to no avail. Hephaistion would not let him go. At the end he gave up and, for long moments, the commander could only hear the blond’s hard panting.

 

— I will never leave you –said Hephaistion from the bottom of his heart— Never! And if you insist to continue your crazy journey, even if that means going all by yourself beyond the Hyphasis River, I will go with you –those words successfully calmed Alexander and his beloved was able to release him, taking a seat on the floor at his side— But, what I want you to understand is this: if you insist in going on you will not gain anything, on the contrary, you risk losing everything and I love you so much that I simply cannot sit here and do nothing while you destroy everything you have achieved so far.

 

Your King will destroy the world.

 

Light’s words came back to him, loud and clear, transporting Hephaistion back to that night at Delphi, outside the Oracle’s house. For a moment he could even smell the grass and see the moon, to breath the particular smell of the earth in that place. The dream gazer had warned him, 8 years ago, about this moment but he did not understand those words until now.

 

Alexander will not stop here, he will never stop and that is why I am determined to defeat him before he destroys the world…

 

Memnon warned him too in his last letter, almost as if the mercenary had been able to see the future, he had read Alexander better than him but… How could have Hephaistion understood then? How could he have known things will end like this?— Alexander indeed destroyed the world…the Persian world and if he doesn’t stop now, he will destroy ours too.

 

Or maybe Hephaistion always knew this was going to happen and he simply did not care…not until it became a real danger to his King.

 

For a long moment neither talked, overwhelmed by the myriad of emotions that had assailed them, feeling how all the stress, pressure and anger of previous days throbbed like a painful stab in their chests— He is angry –thought Hephaistion, rubbing his jaw waiting in vain for an answer that, he knew, his lover would not give up, not now and, perhaps, never. The commander had said everything he had to say, had done everything he could and was going to leave when Alexander embraced him.

 

Hephaistion was stunned and remained completely immobile for a heartbeat. The force, the need, the desperation of that embrace spoke louder than all words, or punches, and the commander truly felt how the King needed him in those moments. 

 

— I will never reached the end of the world –after days in a terrible mood, after days showing himself like a Asian potentate that would do as he pleased instead of listening to his men, Alexander’s voice was once again the voice of his lover and that moved Hephaistion’s heart.

 

His beloved caressed his back tenderly; this was, once again, the man he loved. There was still hope.

 

— Alex, we are 30 years old, how can you be so sure that you won’t be able to come back again in the future? –the King rested his head on his thighs and Hephaistion brushed his hair.

 

— But I am here already –Alexander insisted but, this time, he did not raise his voice, he was calm…and tired— I don’t understand, what changed? They were willing to follow me before, why not now?

 

He truly doesn’t know –thought Hephaistion— He can’t understand how is that the men think, that is why he was so angry, because he doesn’t get it and he is no used to feel confused, he always have the answers.

 

— Alex, the situation is quite simple: the men, your officers and friends, are not you –said his beloved, firmly but not without love— People don’t think and feel like you and, whereas for you there is no greater joy than to accomplish the impossible, for other men, there is nothing better than to rest at the side of their wife or to watch their children grow.

 

— But I am their King.

 

— Alex, tell me something, do you really want to become like Darius, to take troops into the battlefield by force or because they love you and believe in you? –Alexander remained silent— We can come back. I will come back with you.

 

—… Thank you. 

 

I stayed with Alex the rest of the day. He was not happy but at least he was no longer in a murderous fury. He was…disappointed. Alexander truly believed his men would follow him wherever he went, he loved them and, he felt, they had betrayed him. Remember that once Alex said that, the only thing he would never forgive me was if I betrayed him? For him there was nothing worst than treason and that was why he was so angry…and sad.

 

Why would men he had always treated justly, showed with gifts, with whom he had shared hardships, abandoned him now? That depressed and shocked him.

 

At the end Alex called Aristander…Yes, as incredible as it sounds, the old seer was still with us; and Aristander read the omens as if Alexander were still planning to cross the Hyphasis River. The omens turned out bad and, under the pretext that the Gods disapproved his plans, he announced that we were going back home. Clever, don’t you think? Even if he was defeated, he refused to acknowledge his men were right and said it was the Gods’ will.

 

— I can’t believe it. Hear them! –exclaimed Alexander, stretching his arm to the tent’s entrance— They are singing! –he said as if this were a horrible blasphemy— Since I agreed to go back they had been singing and coming to my tent to shake my hand and shower me with blessings and good wishes. 

 

Hephaistion said nothing, he understood for his lover this was the end of his dreams whereas for the men were the beginning of the journey back to their families and friends— That’s why their happiness irritates him so much. 

 

The commander stood up and embraced the King from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder and successfully relaxing him.

 

— It doesn’t matter, my love –Hephaistion kissed his neck, speaking against his skin— Don’t mind them. 

 

Alexander sighed heavily.

 

— This is not over –those words caught his beloved’s attention— Yes, we are going back home, but first there are things we must do.

 

For a moment Hephaistion considered if he should say something but at the end discarded the idea. The important thing was they were heading back, how Alexander wanted to do it, was incidental.

 

— Do you want me to stay tonight? –purred his beloved.

 

— Now you want to stay? –the King teased him, smiling at last.

 

— I think now its safe to do it –Alexander put his hand over his beloved’s arm and caressed his creamy skin with his thumb.

 

— I would love that –the King smiled— I just hope the men won’t keep coming.

 

As things turned out the men kept coming and, what began as an unimportant silly thing turned out to be really comical. Hephaistion had the time of his life watching Alexander trying his best to conceal how angry made him the whole hysterically happy mob while his men kissed his hands weeping with joy. They hadn’t been this happy after their major victories and that also bothered the King.

 

When Hephaistion saw the celebration would last all night he went to sleep. Last days had been horrible for him and there was nothing he wanted more than to rest. And so lost was he in the realm of Morpheus that he did not woke up when Alexander finally got to bed, or when he embraced him with infinite love, resting his head against his back.

 

— I am so sorry for worrying you –whispered the King before closing his eyes.

 

XXX

 

Next day the army began preparations to head back to the Hydaspes River where Krateros was waiting with the King’s fleet. It took them a while to start the march but this time the men eagerly devoted themselves to the work and, when fall arrived, the journey back home officially began.

 

I have traveled far and wide across the wasteland

Still searching for the answers for the right to understand

Burning fires burning lives on the long distant roads

Through the lost mountains endless so far away from home

Warrior soldiers forever we fought long ago

We're all lost in the darkness so far away from home

(Dragonforce, Soldiers of the Wasteland)

 

— I can’t believe we are going back to Macedonia! –exclaimed a very happy Berenike, jumping and applauding for Thais’ delight.

 

— What is the first thing you will do when you arrive home? –asked the hetaira, walking at her side.

 

The army had stopped to rest and gathered water and they had taken the opportunity to take a walk. After hours traveling on a wagon they truly needed this.

 

— Mm, let me think –Berenike took her index finger to her cheek— I think I’ll go to my favorite bakery to eat all the cakes I want –they both laughed— I just hope the baker hasn’t died…Gods! It has been so long! Mom would be thrilled; I can’t wait to see her again. And you? What are you going to do? 

 

— I want to stay at Babylon with my father, for a while at least, and then, go to Athens –answered Thais— I truly missed the city.

 

— Let’s do something –said Berenike suddenly— We’ll go together to Athens and you can show me the city.

 

The hetaira smiled.

 

— I would love that –they kept walking. Sophonisba, Thais’ slave, was behind them with a basket with fruit and Netikerty was not far taking care of little Lanike and talking to Vashti. Demetrios was playing near them with his cousins, the twins Antigone and Ayesha. Amyntas was with the King but Sophia was no-where to be found— Where is Sophia?

 

— With Aki –answered Berenike, sounding in the least happy.

 

— You don’t approve their friendship? –Thais frowned— I thought you like Aki.

 

— I love my nephew but Sophia has this idea…—she shook her head— Sophia wants to marry Aki, and, despite everything I have told her, she is adamant. If she doesn’t marry him she won’t marry.

 

The hetaira laughed truly amused.

 

— She is like you! –Berenike made a pout.

 

— That’s not funny –she complained— What am I going to do? I don’t want my daughter in the same place with Roxanne. 

 

— Eni, Sophia is 10 years old, she is still young and, even if she continues to like Aki by the time she is 16 Roxanne will be no longer a threat to her –said Thais— Alexander made it quite clear he doesn’t want her near him, Hephaistion told you.

 

Berenike sighed.

 

— I know but…please, don’t say a word about what I am going to tell you –she pleaded, dropping her voice.

 

Thais stopped, taking her hands and holding her gaze.

 

— You know you can trust me –Berenike nodded.

 

— Thais, Aki…I love Aki as if he were my son –she said— Since he doesn’t have a mother I have spent a lot of time with him and…—Berenike bit her lower lip— Aki is not Phai.

 

— Eni, I don’t understand what are you trying to tell me –Hephaistion’s sister shook her head.

 

— I don’t know how to explain this but…—Berenike fell silent— Since Cyrus Ochus died Aki became distant and cold. Maybe I am wrong but…I think Aki would never fall in love and I don’t want my daughter to be an unloved wife.

 

Thais understood what she was trying to say but…

 

— In 2 months Aki will be 13 years old, Eni; he is also young. I think you worry too much –the hetaira pinched her cheek fondly.

 

— I do, don’t I? –and both laughed.

 

— Come, let’s go back before the army moves again –Thais took her arm and they went back to Netikerty and Vashti.

 

XXX

 

That night the Gods decided they all had suffered a lot and did not rain. The army camped as usual and, when the palisades and ditches were ready, sentries on their posts and every man knew what to do, Hephaistion could finally go to his tent. He was ready to have dinner with his son when, he found that, again, Achilles was not there.

 

— He said he was going out with his cousin Sophia –explained Kyros, serving his dinner.

 

— At this hour? –asked the commander and the Theban shrugged.

 

— That’s what he said.

 

He is going out a lot lately, and always at night –but before Hephaistion could question Kyros more thoroughly, Alexander arrived. The Theban opened his eyes, big and round as if he had seen the biggest and meanest of all spiders, and ran away. The King still frightened him and even more after what had happened at the Hyphasis River.

 

— Alex? –Hephaistion was as surprised as his servant. He was the last person he expected to see.

 

— Do you have time? I want to talk to you –said the King, taking a seat at his side without waiting for an answer.

 

— I was going to have dinner, want to join me? –and for Kyros bad luck Alexander stayed. They were on their second dish when the King finally explained why he was there.

 

— Abisares sent me an envoy today –said Alexander, talking about the rajah of Kashmir— He sends 30 elephants and other exotic and rare presents but, once again, he refuses to meet me in person –he took a piece of cheese— In order circumstances I would march to Kashmir but, as things are now…

 

— The men would never consent to go to Kashmir –the King snorted, he hated to be at the mercy of his men.

 

— Then, I have no other choice but to ratify Abisares as rajah and leave all our conquests in India in the hands of King Porus –Alexander threw angrily the rests of the piece of cheese at the table— This was not what I wanted. 

 

Hephaistion sat down at his side and kissed his cheek.

 

— I know but…take this as a challenge –he said, successfully catching his attention— Lets go back home for a while, raise fresh troops, and come back. I know it’s difficult but, if it were easy, what would be the merit of it?

 

The King laughed and kissed his lips, tasting the wine and meat in his mouth.

 

— I insists, what would I do without you? –Alexander kissed him again, attracted to him like a moth to a flame, equally fascinated and not caring if he burned. This time he took his time, slowly, savoring his lips, parting them with the tip of his tongue and forcing him to throw the head back— You know…—he sighed among kisses, letting him go only when the need of air became imperative—… maybe, instead of coming back…—he panted, so close to his beloved’s lips that each word hit him— I would march west and visit your friend Scipio with my army. 

 

Hephaistion moved away and narrowed his eyes, knowing that he was perfectly capable of doing something like that.

 

— You are the worst –he complained. 

 

— Oh, come on! Your friend liked to boast too much about his city; well, lets have a look…Ouch! –his beloved punched him.

 

— That’s not funny.

 

— You hit me really hard –the King complained like a child, looking at his arm.

 

— Not harder than someone who punched my jaw some days ago –the commander reminded him and Alexander laughed. He had almost forgotten about their fight.

 

The King closed the distance between them and kissed his jaw as a silent apology, taking his hands to his thighs and moving the opened palms up, under his military chiton. Hephaistion’s body reacted immediately with all his hormones boiling. He had longed for his King’s touch for such a long time and now it was as if even his soul were burning for him— I was so busy that I did not notice how much I missed him…

 

XXX  

(1) Suetonius. The Twelve Caesars, p 216

(2) Arrian. The Campaigns of Alexander, p 298