Chapter 186

 

CHAPTER 186

 

Indus River

 

As Hephaistion said, next day he personally led the men into the forest despite Meleager’s sour expression and the men’s frighten faces that made them look like a flock of sheep instead of the brave soldiers who had conquered all the known world. The commander was sure that the shade of Darius was laughing to tears in the Underworld, watching the same men who had beaten him twice trembling because the forest whispered. That was enough humiliation and he decided to set an example.

 

Hephaistion put on his light armor, mounted on of his strongest warhorse, a beautiful animal with a honey mane, and advanced in front of the men with his black cloak dancing at the wind’s mercy. Meleager had been in a terrible mood lately and the commander decided to leave him behind at the camp, which did nothing to improve his moodiness. According to Perdikkas the taxiarch’s problem was that he though the gods were conspiring against him denying Meleager of his rightful glory. The taxiarch was of the idea that he deserved more than he had and, from some time now, he complained about everything and everyone. 

 

Well, he can complain at the camp for all I care –thought Hephaistion.

 

The first day everything went smoothly, without surprises and more importantly without whispers. The common soldier admired the commander because he was a strong man, and a deadly warrior, and none wanted to look like a coward in front of someone who was perfectly capable to cut 10 men into little piece without even break a sweat. So it was that Hephaistion took a group of 30 men and began to cut trees and load wagons with the precious wood.

 

The commander worked with them, taking an axe and pausing only to drink water from time to time and, at some point, he threw aside his breastplate that did nothing but hinder his work. The sweat made his wet cloths to cling to his body uncomfortably so, after a while, he decided to throw away his chiton, leaving his strong glistering abdomen bared and, like many of his men, he continued working only in loincloth.

 

— You know, sir –said Nikandros, bringing his brother more water— If the idea was to keep the men working, you are doing a terrible job distracting them with this shameless display of flesh. 

 

— Am I distracting them or distracting you? –Hephaistion teased his brother and the lochagos laughed without noise. The commander took the skin with water and gave it a long gulp; a line of cold water ran down his chin, following the length of his neck, caressing his creamy skin that shone as if he were anointed after working the entire morning in the forest. Nikandros watched him from head to toe shamelessly and that made his brother smiled lazily— Lochagos, if you have time to waste here I suggest you go back to work.  

 

It did not pass unnoticed for Nikandros the playful and seductive tone of his brother’s voice, like black silk caressing his body but, was Hephaistion aware that he was flirting with him? Something told the lochagos he did not but he said nothing.

 

— Yes, sir –Nikandros saluted and turned to continue working but, this time, he too took off his chiton, slowly, making sure that his brother had a perfect view of his well built body, marked by the sun and steel, and this made the commander laugh.

 

I tease you and you tease me –thought Hephaistion, shaking his head before coming back to work.

 

The second day the men went into the forest feeling better knowing that their commander’s presence had scared the ghosts wandering among the trees…or at least that was what they liked to think. Hephaistion’s officers were beginning to learn to obey him, after the siege of Peucelaotis they respect him more, or at least the taxiarchs Gorgias and Kleitos did, along with the hipparch of the mercenary cavalry, a handsome and shameless man named Peisandros who thought that, since his superior was such a striking man, then he surely must be a man used to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.  

 

— I can’t stand Peisandros –Hephaistion complained, cutting a log at his brother’s side.

 

Nikandros laughed amused.

 

— Why not? He is a great to go whoring, let me tell you –said his brother, struggling with a stubborn branch— He is Athenian but you would think he was born a Macedonian for the way he drinks.

 

— Nick, I almost lose count of how many times Peisandros has tried to bed me since we left Alexander at the Kabul valley –this made the lochagos laugh so hard that several men near them turned to see what was going on— It is not funny.

 

— Oh come on! And what did you say?

 

— What did I say? No! Of course I refused –said Hephaistion, offended— The worst part is that, no matter how many times I say “no” Peisandros does not stop trying –he killed a mosquito flying over his arm— But I guess it could be worst, at least now he obeys and respects me as his superior officer. He passed from: “fuck with me” to “fuck with me, sir”.

 

Nikandros burst out laughing.

 

— Phai, don’t act like a virgin maiden. What is wrong with this? Women say Peisandros is good looking –said the lochagos, finally breaking the branch. 

 

— I don’t want to sleep with him –his brother enunciated.

 

I wonder, why people think that beauty means promiscuity –thought Hephaistion.

 

— Strong words from someone who has been so horny lately –Nikandros hit the log again with the axe making several splinters jumped in all directions. The commander blushed.

 

Don’t tell me that everybody is aware of this. Can people tell these things? –he thought in panic.

 

— Where do you get that? –Hephaistion tried to sound as if nothing happened but his brother knew him better than this.

 

— Dear brother, you and I are more alike than you think –the lochagos turned to look at him, brushing aside the damp locks of his blue-black hair— I just know.

 

Since lying was useless the commander decided be honest with his brother.

 

— I don’t get it, last time I was away from Alex for 8 months and I did not feel like a freaking cat in heat –he complained, hitting the log as I it had the fault of all his problems— And my pages don’t help.

 

The boys had tried everything to catch his attention, one of them, named Philip, was especially insistent. This page was not very brilliant and either he did not notice or did not care that he looked like a whore offering himself so shameless to his superior, the other pages were more discreet but not less insistent than Peisandros…Peisandros, he remembered Hephaistion of Chrysaor, a very attractive version of the guard, just that the mercenary was either funny or agreeable. The mercenary hipparch was no Memnon trying to seduce him, he just wanted to have sex with him, that was all, and he had a very colorful way to express this desire.

 

— Want an advice? –asked Nikandros.

 

— I am not sure I do –he muttered.

 

— Bed your pages.

 

The third day Hephaistion accompanied the men to gather wood was when things began to complicate. Not only the forest whispered again now men began to disappear and one even swore he had seen his dead father walking among the trees, dressed exactly as he had been on the day of his funeral. The commander had to make use of all his authority to take the men again to the forest and one look at his face and none dared to protest in front of him, or give signs of fear. Again they worked cutting the trees on that place where they were sure tormented souls had their home, but this time the atmosphere was tense and Hephaistion had to take a group of armed men to patrol the area in case the enemy was hidden near. 

 

— Congratulations, sir –said Nikandros biting an apple, walking amidst the cracking of branches and the crunch of dry leaves to where his brother was standing— You may have enough wood now to build your bridge –he said with his mouth full. 

 

— I can barely believe that stupidity of the woods “whispering”, dead people walking and ghosts making men disappear –said the commander with disdain. This time he had his light armor on and his 2 swords hanging on his back. 

 

If the enemy were doing this, causing this panic among his men, he would make them pay dearly. Although he had no idea of who could this mysterious enemy be or why someone would choose to stay in the dark frightening them instead of attacking.

 

— But you can’t deny that men have disappeared –said Nikandros, chewing. He too was dressed in light armor, iron, leather and wool.

 

— And the 2 who “disappeared” are lovers –answer Hephaistion, serious and angry as his brother had seen him very few times. This whole business of the ghost was delaying his mission and he was not going to let these silly fears spoil the orders Alexander had given him— Nobody have seen them since last night, so I guess they are having fun somewhere in the forest.

 

And they will wish they were never born as soon as they are back –thought the commander.

 

The smell of wood and rotting vegetation was very strong in this place but, somehow, it was not unpleasant for Hephaistion. He lifted his head, watching the sun through the branches and leaves, casting shadows over all of them and heard the distant song of a bird. It was hard to imagine that this place was curse.

 

— Well –Nikandros spat out a piece of apple at his side, breaking that brief spell of quietly and peace that had fallen upon his brother— If I can say something in favor of the men is that I heard whispers too.

 

Hephaistion turned to look at him, frowning with his arms crossed over his chest. Doing this he looked a lot like their mother. 

 

— Have you been drinking? –he asked and the lochagos laughed.

 

— Hey, I am not saying the forest whispers, I am just saying I heard whispers –Nikandros defended himself.

 

— I can find you a thousand explanations for that –answered the commander.

 

— I’m sure you can.

 

Nikandros kept eating while the men attended to their tasks, cutting down trees, loading them in carts and taking the wood back to the river. An especially tall tree made a great deal of noise when it fell and Hephaistion took that chance to watch his brother with attention. He had cut his hair recently Vasthi should have done it because, for once in his life, his brother did not look as if a donkey had eaten the tips of his hair.

 

He looks good –thought the commander, suddenly transported to another place, far from the eyes of his men. Nikandros was 35 and looked more handsome than ever; his hair, reaching his shoulders shone like the crows’ feathers, a strong blue over the darkest black, he had not shaven but that did nothing but increased his appeal to the commander— I should stop thinking like this –he reproached himself. 

 

— How is Vashti? –he asked, eager to cast his mind away from this kind of thoughts.

 

— Bored and tired –answered Nikandros without emotion, throwing the rest of the apple to the ground— She doesn’t like this place, is tired of traveling and misses Eni and Thais. 

 

— And your twins? –this time his big brother smiled.

 

— They are very smart and sweet girls –said the proud father— 4 years old already. Time flies.

 

— I was thinking that a few days ago –Hephaistion agreed, remembering Alexander’s last letter— Aki is already asking to kill his first man, can you believe it?

 

His brother chuckled.

 

— I still remember when he was around the age of my girls –said the lochagos and both fell silent. Nikandros watched his hands and then brushed his hair back thinking if it was the right time to say this.

 

And why not? –he said to himself, dropping his arms and taking a deep breath.

 

— Phai, listen, I want to talk to you about something –the sudden change in his brother’s voice caught Hephaistion’s attention. The lochagos was never so serious, this had to be important.

 

— Of course, what is it? –and to increased the commander’s curiosity Nikandros scratched his chin with the back of his hand, not knowing how to begin.

 

— Phai, I have been thinking this for sometime now but I was not sure if it was a good idea –he said, taking his time before continuing— My girls are 4 years old and mom does not know them. I am 35 years old –he was admitting his age, that was a bad sign— And look where we are –he stretched his arms— I got married on a foreign land and we haven’t stay longer than 6 months in one place –he stated to pace around— I am tired Phai, I want to go home and, as soon as this campaign is over, I will ask Alexander to let me go back to Pella.

 

— Oh…—Hephaistion looked so miserable that a wet orphan dog, alone on a street, under the rain, would have looked happier at his side.

 

Of all the things that crossed his mind when his brother said he wanted to talk this was not on his list. Nikandros was his big brother, his friend, his confidant, and more recently, his lover. They had been together always, they crossed the Hellespont together, they had come this far together and he could not imagine how would be to not have him at his side but miles away at Macedonia.  

 

Nick will leave… –he thought, feeling as if the world were shaking under his feet.

 

The lochagos could almost feel his brother’s anxiety, his misery and he was taken aback by such a naked show of love and sadness. He knew Hephaistion loved him but this…For a moment neither knew what to say, his big brother sucked dealing with emotional moments and Hephaistion was in shock.

 

Nick will leave…—that was all he could think with a lump in his throat.

 

— Phai, don’t look at me like that. I never said I was going tomorrow –Nikandros took him by the shoulder, squeezing him, and smiled— And, knowing your lover, this campaign could as well last for another 8 years –that remark made the commander smile. His big brother patted his cheek— Quit that look of strangled lamb before the men see you; trust me, no one respects an emotional commander.   

 

Hephaistion nodded and both went back to see how the work was going.

 

XXX

 

Hephaistion was sitting so still that anyone watching him would think Xsayarsa was brushing the hair of a statue. The eunuch loved to brush that cascade of gold-bronze silk, enjoying the sensation of the soft locks sliding through his finger like water, and the commander had nothing against it as long as nobody found out or his already complicated situation with his officers would become unbearable. As always Xsayarsa was talking none stop about the latest gossip in the camp, something about Peisandros bedding one of Ambhi’s dancing girls, until it became obvious that something was wrong with his patron. 

 

— You are more quiet than usual –said the eunuch, brushing his hair with exaggerated delicacy.

 

— Mm? –asked Hephaistion absently, he had not being paying attention to what Xsayarsa was saying until now. Too lost in his own thoughts and problems, in his inner turmoil and yesterday’s ghosts hunting him to pay attention to something else.

 

The eunuch frowned, even if he hated to do it because it wrinkled his face and he could not afford another line there.

 

— So, are you going to tell me what is bothering you or I will have to find out? And you know I am good finding out people’s embarrassing secrets –he threaten him but his patron kept looking as if someone had died, his eyes settled on the wall as if this were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen.

 

— It’s…nothing.

 

— Ahura Mazda give me patience –Xsayarsa lifted his eyes and hands to the sky— I don’t know why people think that by saying “is nothing” everything would be fine. It’s obvious, even for a retarded, that “something” is bothering you and that this “something” has nothing to do with the army.

 

Hephaistion smiled without humor. Was he really that obvious that now even the eunuch could see into his most hidden feelings? He should be careful on how much he let people know about him, it was safer to have everybody guessing about his next move but, this time, what was bothering him was too much a burden to have it hidden, or maybe he was just tired of keeping things in the dark. It had taken long years before he could talk to Alexander about what had happened with King Philip and his silence had only brought him never ending days of sorrow and misery. 

 

After all, years did make people wiser and the commander was not willing to keep locking his feelings in the darkest part of his heart. There had been a time for that, now, it was different.

 

— Now you read minds? –he asked amused.

 

— No Peris, I read faces, and yours looks as if you had tasted a rotten cheese –Xsayarsa kept brushing— So, what is it? You finally slept with Peisandros and you are feeling remorse? You have been pretty horny lately, it reminds me when we were going to Babylon and…

 

— Yarsa! –he interrupted the eunuch—No, I did not and I would never sleep with him.

 

— A pity –he sighed, shaking his head while watching with his inner eye that man of 36 years old, strong, well built, powerful legs, long midnight hair and clear blue eyes— Because I would definitely do him –that comment made the commander turn to look at him through big round eyes. It was hard to believe those words had left that mouth— What? I may be a eunuch but I have needs, you know.

 

— I don’t want to know –the eunuch pursed his lips and gave him a nasty look.

 

— You are always unbearable when you don’t get laid –Xsayarsa declared, wielding the brush in his hand like a sword— But we were talking about you, so, what is it?

 

Hephaistion sighed. He was tired of keeping secrets, but was it a good idea to tell the eunuch? It had never been easy for him to talk about his problems with other people because he hated to bother others with his things and he was too proud to ask for help. Time had taught him that proud men used to find an early grave and secrets only served to make life tougher. In kind words his situation was complicated and Alexander was too far to be asked for his counsel. He did not dare to share this with his friends, so…

 

Why not? –he thought, making up his mind.

 

— Nick wants to…go back home –he said at last, each word difficult to pronounce because, every time he did, it became more real.

 

— And? –the eunuch’s lack of shock before this news almost made him laugh. Here was Hephaistion making a big drama, as if the world were coming to and end, and his eunuch could not look more bored. Xsayarsa had expected something more flashy, and more shocking, but this? 

 

— And I don’t want him to go –said the commander, the sadness in his voice so strong that left Xsayarsa without words for a moment. The eunuch did not like Nikandros because the lochagos was always rude to him, but he understood the part that he was his patron’s brother— I have never being far from him, and I don’t want to find out how it would be. 

 

Surprisingly the eunuch fell silent instead of stating one of his infamous monologs that would try the patience of Zeus himself. This time, he behaved like the wise men and took his time to choose his words while listening to the chorus of crickets, playing out side the tent with sufficient force to be heard in the entire camp. 

 

— Peris, you are not a child to throw such a tantrum just because your big brother wants to leave –that answer was like a slap for the commander. He had not thought this, so busy feeling depressed to actually think why was he doing this— I understand you love your brother, even if I don’t know why because he is a brute, a barbarian, a jerk, a… —one look at Hephaistion’s eyes made him stop— Well, the point is you love him, and good for you because somebody has to, and you will miss him, but why are you so sad? It is not as if he is dying or anything.

 

The commander fell silent. This was a great question: why was he so sad? The truth was he was afraid, afraid to be alone, afraid to be far from his love ones and Nikandros had always being there. Since he lost his memory, since the lochagos became also his lover, the relationship between them instead of disappearing or growing weak had become stronger, and whenever Alexander was away Nikandros was near to comfort him, was there for him.

 

And destiny played on me a very cruel joke when it let me live for 2000 years without the people I loved the most… I had never noticed before that night but, after years watching death at the face, after years losing members of my family and friends, I was tired. I did not want to lose my brother, I did not want Nikandros to become like Publius, someone I cared a lot about but I could never see. I did not want another pen friend. And that night I realized how important was my big brother for me, not only because he was my family, but also thanks to that special bond that was created between us after we became lovers.

 

During those 2 months I was under a lot of stress and to have Nikandros closed was a relief. What can I say? I like to be pampered. I did not notice then but it felt so natural to have my brother around, the boundaries that once existed between us demolished, that I flirt with him without knowing, unconsciously looking to be close to him, and during my mission this became obvious because we spent a lot of time alone.

 

— Yarsa…—Hephaistion pronounced the name as if it were a prayer and this caught the eunuch’s attention. Could he trust Xsayarsa this much? Could he unburden himself with the eunuch telling him something no one, expect Alexander, knew? So far the eunuch had proven to be trustworthy, he was a gossipy yes but he never shared his patron’s secrets— Yarsa, I slept with Nick.

 

It surprised the commander how easy was to say it, as if the words had found only natural to come out. Xsayarsa cocked his head and crossed his arms.

 

— Oh…well, I am glad –that answered confused Hephaistion and for a moment he though he had not heard correctly— I mean, I was truly scared thinking you were perfect, you know, someone without perversions. At least now I know you are made of flesh and bone –the commander could do nothing but laugh, only Xsayarsa could have come up with something like this. The eunuch frowned and cursed himself for doing it while rubbing his forehead in a childish attempt to smooth his skin— So, this why you don’t want Nikandros to go?… Wait a moment, if he is your lover, how come you are accumulating sexual frustration instead of jumping into his bed?   

 

That erased the smile on Hephaistion’s face because it touched another of his recent problems.

 

— Do you think it hadn’t crossed my mind?

 

— And?

 

The commander shook his head.

 

— I slept with Nick when I had no memory –he explained— And after that I thought I would never do it again, I though everything would be left behind us and that I could treat my brother in the same way I do with Publius, looking at him as a very good friend with whom I slept —he smiled thinking how naïve he had been, mocking himself for trying to act as if nothing had happened, trying to deny it, to turn his head and pretend that he was fine after he became his brother’s lover— But I was terrible wrong. In my mind I can now remember he is my brother but my body feels different, sometimes I don’t even noticed but I am invading his person space, or I touched him slightly while talking –he made a pause looking at the lamp on the wall— I suppose that when you crossed a line there is no turning back and I crossed a very important line.

 

— So true –Xsayarsa nodded gravely. 

 

— I could have slept with Nick again at Zariaspa –he said remembering the birthday present he had wanted to give to the King— But I did not at the end because I was afraid. 

 

— Of what?

 

— Afraid that, if I slept with Nick again, I would not be able to stop –this time he looked directly at the eunuch— And I can’t avoid feeling this is not right but…I love my brother, Yarsa, but not as I love Alexander, never like that. This may not have sense to you but I will always love Nick as my brother, even if, at the same time, I like him as man. 

 

And Nick is going home –he thought again, feeling that knot in his throat that did not let him breath.

 

— All right –Xsayarsa threw his arms in the air, shook his head and took a seat, assuming an air of an old wise magi— Peris you have to understand, in your crazy beautiful head, that you are not a bad person because you enjoy to have sex with the jerk of your brother just because he is your brother and he is not the King. I seriously don’t understand what is the problem here, his late divinity was married to his sister –the commander made a face remembering that— You like Nikandros, only the Gods know why having that gorgeous Peisandros begging you to share his bed. 

 

— Yarsa, Peisandros IS a jerk –Hephaistion clarify.

 

— You have your opinion and I have mine –said Xsayarsa with all dignity— The point is, if you want to do it then do it! Does your barbarian of a brother want to do it?

 

— I suppose. 

 

— Then stop whining and go, the Gods know you are a pain in my tushy when you are not bouncing on someone’s bed. Besides, I sincerely doubt your King is as faithful as you are, especially with his wife near him –the eunuch said while standing up— Now let me finish this –he said ready to keep brushing his hair. 

 

Hephaistion smiled. Sometimes he wished he could see life as simple as Xsayarsa did, take what he wanted and not think in the consequences.

 

Definitely, shameless persons live happier –he thought.

 

XXX