CHAPTER 170

 

What was he going to do? Hephaistion had no idea. He was trying to calm down his anger but he was upset, with himself and with the King, because he had been mistaken when he judged Alexander and that pained and enraged him, but above all else he was disappointed.

 

Disappointment…that was the worst thing that could happen to a person because it was almost impossible to amend, and yes, the King had disappointed him, proving him wrong when Hephaistion thought higher of him. He felt like a fool. But…when he stepped inside the room and found his lover curled up on his bed with the same cloths he had used during the banquet still stained with blood, his anger diminished a little.

 

The hipparch stood in front of the bed and let the tray fell nosily on the table, the plates jumped and the jug of wine spilled its contents on the table, catching his King’s attention.

 

— Why aren’t you eating? –he asked in the same tone he used to scold Achilles.

 

Hephaistion’s voice broke the spell that had been cast over Alexander and he appeared to wake up from another nightmare.

 

— Phai? –the color returned to the King’s face and, for the first time in 2 days, his eyes looked alive again—Phai, is really you –he sat on the bed, looking as if he had finally found the light at the end of the tunnel—When did you return?

 

— This morning –the King watched his hipparch like someone who has a lot of things to say but doesn’t know where to begin. 

 

The fell silent for a moment, and when it became obvious that Hephaistion was not going to talk again, the blond cleared his throat.

 

— I imagine you have heard the news –Alexander averted his beloved’s eyes.

 

— I heard you killed Kleitos –said Hephaistion in a cold hard tone— And I want to know why are you here?

 

The King turned to look at him as if he could not understand the words.

 

— What would you have me doing? I killed one of my friends in cold blood! –he said with intensity without raising his voice, his eyes were red and puffy and his hair was a mess standing in all directions except the correct one—I killed my nurse’s brother! I have dishonor myself, and you ask me, why am I here?

 

Alexander had expected something completely different from Hephaistion, he had hoped for loving words of comfort, to feel his arms around him and his kisses on his lips, whispering in that husky voice he adored that everything would be fine because they were together; not this cold Hephaistion watching him like a judge.

 

— Yes. I will ask you again, why are you here weeping like an old woman? –the hipparch tone was hard, giving him no respite.

 

— I am mourning my friend.

 

— The one YOU murdered.

 

— I know what I have done, you don’t have to come here and torture me –Hephaistion closed the distance between them and took Alexander’s by the hair with force, obliging him to hold his gaze.

 

— I’m glad to see that you feel remorse and that you are aware of what you did but you are a King –the hipparch whispered against his lips— Understand this, you can’t be here moping like a kid and throwing a tantrum when you have an army to lead and a rebel to crush. Do you want to atone for what you did? Fine! Do it! But not like this, you are disgracing yourself with this pathetic show of remorse. You did what you did and there is nothing we can do to bring Kleitos back to life. You have to face this like a man. So now, eat, wash yourself and leave this place once for all.   

 

This was the last thing Alexander was waiting to hear and he stayed there for a long moment staring at his beloved as if he had slapped him. At first he felt anger, he hated Hephaistion for being so cruel with him in a moment when he needed him the most, but the feeling did not last, not when he could see that look in his beloved’s eyes, he could not stand that look in those eyes.

 

Hephaistion released him and dropped on the nearest chair. Had he done the right thing? Was a good idea to scold the King? He looked bad enough to be this hard on him, but…The hipparch shook his head, Alexander needed to hear this…

 

Is this true or I am just venting my anger over him? –thought Hephaistion, and for a long moment they could only hear the soft sound of their breathing, both busy dealing with their own feelings. 

 

At long last the King nodded slowly, hearing again the words of Anaxarchus, Kleitos and Aristander, as clear as if they were standing at his side…

 

…All the acts of a Great King should be considered just, first by himself, then by the rest of us…

 

…I'll say whatever I want openly, or didn't you invite to dine men who are free and spoke their minds? But you don't like this, do you? You don't like to be told the truth; and you would rather consort with slaves and barbarians, creatures who would prostrate themselves before your white robe and Persian sash…

 

…Dionysus is angry, sire, because you failed to offer him sacrifice…

 

And suddenly, Alexander felt ashamed for had felt anger towards his beloved, even if it were just for a brief moment, when Hephaistion had done nothing more than to tell him the truth when all the rest were only trying to please him. Maybe Kleitos was right and he did not like to be told the truth. Gods! He was so tired…he did not want to fight with Hephaistion, not with him…

 

— You are right, I shouldn’t be here –the King spoke with a voice that sounded strange even to him, it was full of sadness and that touched the hipparch’s heart— But…This is so difficult to bear…

 

— You are too impulsive and you have a horrible temper –said his beloved, softening his voice a little— You have always being like this but this time you crossed the line. You can’t be a King if you are not better than the men you command, you taught me this. And were you better than them when you killed Kleitos?

 

— I know…and I am not making excuses. I know this is my fault and there is no one else to blame but… —Alexander took a moment, trying to put in words what was hidden in his heart— Have you ever find yourself doing something you never thought you would be capable to do? –he asked in a whisper.

 

To his beloved came Philotas’ screams while he skinned him alive, the look of complete terror, his face transformed into a mask of pain and agony and then, then he understood he had judged Alexander too quickly. It was as if someone had taken off the bandages from his eyes and Hephaistion understood that his King had not disappointed him, he understood everything now because it had happened to him too.   

 

I was never mistake –thought the hipparch— And it was unfair for my part to judge Alex so quickly. We all do mistakes and what counts is that he is aware of what he did…

 

— Yes –answered Hephaistion after a short silence with the intensity of someone who had been in the same situation. He had never told the King about that night, he never shared with him his feeling after skinning Philotas’ alive, and he would not do it now, it not the right time or place— I know what you mean. 

 

— Phai…the Alexander who killed one of his friends because he was told something that enraged him, is someone I don’t know and that scares me –said the King, finally able to share with someone the turmoil inside his heart, to unload his worst fears and to ask silently for help— When I pierced Kleitos with the spear –he looked at his hands— I felt…good, finally my anger had found a release and I felt…I felt I had done the right thing, but then, I turned and the first person I saw was Aki –Hephaistion heard him with all his attention— He saw me as if he didn’t know who I was, with fear and horror. My own son! –Alexander shook his head— Then, I realized what had I done… but now, now I am not sure of what else I would be capable to do and… 

 

The hipparch stood up and embraced him with force, finally embracing him and comforting him with the warmth of his body.

 

— You told me once that what happened happened and the only thing we can do is to learn to live with the consequences –said Hephaistion in that loving voice that always calmed the King’s heart—No one can forgive you for what you did, you have to forgive yourself, and don’t forget that it is you the one who chooses who do you want to be, no one else, not even the Gods, can decide that for you –he made a pause— But it won’t be bad if you learn to control your temper.

 

Alexander finally smiled, relaxing in his beloved’s arms. 

 

— You can’t imagine how I needed you all this time –the King hid his face in the angle of his neck and that made him feel a peace that he could not find in another place. It had been almost a year since the last time Alexander had felt the warmth of that body next to his and he experience that comfort that one feels when returning home after a long and difficult journey. Hephaistion kissed his head— I can’t live without you –he spoke from the bottom of his heart, talking without thinking, just feeling it. 

 

— You can, and you will –the hipparch moved away, slowly. He caressed his lover’s cheek, watching the scratches he had inflicted himself 2 days ago, and left a soft kiss over his lips but before he could move away, the King trapped him in a desperate and needy kiss.

 

How he had wished to feel again these kisses, the only ones that could take away his worries and made him feel that everything was fine. Alexander embraced Hephaistion again, surrounding his waist and opening his mouth to receive him.  

 

— Alex…—his beloved sighed inside his mouth, moving away a little— If you really want me to kiss you then… —he left a last brief kiss over his lips— You would need to bathe first –the King smiled— Now eat, before the rumor of your death starts to circulate around the city.

 

Alexander took his hand with force.

 

—Would you stay with me? –he pleaded and Hephaistion smiled.

 

—Always.

 

XXX

 

It was night by the time Alexander let Hephaistion leave his side and the hipparch next stop was his son’s bedroom. He was tired and overwhelmed after talking with the King for hours. He understood perfectly well how Alexander felt because it had happened to him too after torturing Philotas, it was complicated to explain and only someone who had experienced the same thing could know what it was like.

 

But talking to the King had made him remember as well, remember his own feelings after that terrible night hearing Philotas’ screams…He only wished to rest but this was something he had to do without delay.

 

The guards outside the Prince’s chambers stood to attention when they saw him and, when he opened the door, he found Chrysaor, who was just about to leave.

 

—Heph! Oh dear Zeus! Thank you so much! –the bodyguard was so happy that he forgot about everything and embraced his superior with force— I’m so glad to see you…I mean, I’m always glad to see you but… —he embraced the hipparch again. 

 

— It’s good to see you too, Chrys –answered Hephaistion with difficulty, feeling his spine cracking with such an embrace— Where is Aki?

 

— Inside. Heph, you have to talk to him –Chrysaor urged him, the smile abandoning him for the newcomer’s alarm— Achilles had been really weird since the King gave Kleitos his forced retirement.

 

— Weird how? –the hipparch felt as if he had a block of ice inside his stomach— What happened? Is he hurt?

 

— No, no. I’ll tell you, we were leaving the banquet when the King skewered Kleitos like a chop –the bodyguard explained— Achilles saw everything and I think that, at some point, the King saw Achilles because he was looking in our direction, and then, he went mad, completely mad! Scratching his face, screaming, and trying to kill himself –he shook his head— Anyway, Achilles was terrified, unable to move. You know? Like horses in a fire, and then Seleucus had to carry him in arms to take him out of the hall and…

 

— Seleucus?! –the hipparch interrupted him and Chrysaor nodded.

 

— Yes, I think that’s his name.

 

— Why was Seleucus at my son’s side? –Hephaistion liked this even less.

 

— I don’t know, he suddenly appeared and there he was –the bodyguard shrugged—And let me tell you something, the Gods sent him, because without him –he sighed— I don’t know what would have happened because everything was confusion, shouts, people running in all directions... I did not know what to do until he showed off. 

 

— Fine –the hipparch conceded, clenching his jaw, he did not like Seleucus but if he had helped so be it— Then what? Did Aki cried or something? Why do you say he is weird?

 

— He was in shock –answered Chrysaor— He did not move or talk or anything, he was…just there. I was thinking to call the doc until Seleucus slapped him –Hephaistion narrowed his eyes, oh! Seleucus was so dead— And it work! Then Achilles started to cry and did not stop until morning.

 

That broke the hipparch’s heart.

 

— I should have been here, at his side –he whispered, crestfallen.

 

— He was not alone, Heph –said the bodyguard, trying to cheer him up— Seleucus and I stayed with Achilles these past 2 days.

 

Seleucus again –thought the hipparch.

 

— But I won’t lie, Achilles is not well –Chrysaor continued—He is not crying anymore but…I think he doesn’t understand what happened…He needs you.

 

Hephaistion nodded.

 

— Thank you, Chrys.

 

It did not surprise the hipparch to find his son like Alexander, curled up on his bed, watching without truly seeing the window and embracing his pillow with force. He sat down at his side and when the Prince felt someone he turned. Hephaistion smiled at him and Achilles jumped to embrace his father with all his forces, with desperation, hiding his face against his chest and clinging to his cloths.

 

— Why didn’t you come back before? –asked the Prince with drown voice.

 

— I couldn’t Aki, but I am here now –answered the hipparch tenderly, caressing his son’s back, but the Prince moved away from his father, pushing him with such harshness that he took Hephaistion aback.

 

— YOU OUGHT TO BE HERE! –Achilles yelled at the top of his voice, but after each word his shouts lost force, becoming sobs and pleads— Why weren’t you here?! If you had been here then…then…dad…—he remembered again that savage look in the eyes of the King— Dad would not have killed…he would not…

 

— Aki look at me –Hephaistion took his right arm with force, holding his gaze, his uneven eyes clouded by tears— I am not a God Aki, and we do not know if my presence here that day would have helped to prevent Kleitos’ death.

 

— Murder! He was murdered –the Prince yelled again while fat tears slid down his cheeks.

 

The hipparch thought quickly, he had to choose his words really carefully or the relation between Achilles and Alexander would be forever damaged, beyond salvation, and this was the last thing he wanted.  

 

Perhaps he is doing the same as I did, Aki is judging Alex too quickly –thought his father.

 

—Yes, Kleitos was murdered and what your father did was a terrible thing –said Hephaistion with calm, stressing the word “father”— I am not going to make excuses for Alexander and to tell you that he was angry or drunk or did not know what he was doing, all I can tell you is that we have to accept this.

 

— But WHY? Why did this happen? It is unfair! –Achilles sobbed— That banquet was in Kleitos’ honor, he was going to be satrap of Bactria…That was no way to die. No enemy could with him on the battlefield but he…he was killed in a banquet by the King’s hand…That is unfair!

 

— Many things in this life are unfair, son –the hipparch soften his voice, watching the Prince crying— We can’t understand everything that happens to us, and you have to learn that not every question has an answer. Do you think this is fair for your father? Do you think Alexander understands why this happened? He is suffering like you, Aki.

 

— But he killed him! He deserves to be suffering –Achilles sobbed again. 

 

— Tell me something; do you never make mistakes? –that question confused the Prince— Answer me Aki, are you never wrong?

 

— Of course…hic…not –he suffered a hiccup attack.

 

— Then, why are you so quick to judge your father? –the Prince lowered his eyes.

 

Hephaistion stood up.

 

— Come with me.

 

—Where are we…?

 

— I said, come with me –Achilles reluctantly followed his father but when he saw they were heading to the King’s room he stopped. He did not want to see Alexander.

 

Hephaistion almost smiled, his son was just like him, they both had made the same mistake and now it was time for the Prince to take his own conclusions, but only after talking to his adopted father. He took Achilles’ arm and technically dragged him inside, ignoring the boy’s protests. This would not be pretty but it had to be done.

 

The King looked better, clean and less pale, he had eaten but was still sad, it would take days before he could be again his old-self, but at least this was a start. Bagoas was with him, looking happy after Alexander had finished his dinner, but as soon as the hipparch arrived, the smile abandoned him and the eunuch excused himself and left.

 

— Phai, I’m glad you are back, I was about to call you when… —but Alexander stopped talking when he saw Achilles there, hidden behind his father.

 

The King also remembered his son’s eyes that night, full with fear and astonishment, and felt ashamed in front of the boy even if the Prince was not looking at him. Achilles found his feet fascinating and kept looking at them while playing with the edge of his cloths, just as he used to do when he was little.

 

— I think you two need to talk –said Hephaistion, and to the King’s and the Prince’s astonishment he left them alone.

 

XXX

 

The hipparch needed to see his sister. He left the palace and the night sky, full with stars, received him. He had spent the whole day with Alexander and Achilles, both were in terrible conditions, and he could not avoid asking, what would he found at his sister’s house? Berenike was very bad dealing with the loss of a dear one, when his father and grandfather died she had cried so much that she scared her brothers. Hephaistion had truly thought that Berenike was going to get sick. She even cried when the cat died, for the Gods’ sake! How would she be now? 

 

Kleitos was not the love of her life but she had been left alone with 4 children, in a foreign land, far-far away from home, with her big brother on a mission, Lysanias still with Koinos the Gods knew where, uncle Althaimenes on his way back to Macedonia, cousin Demetrios on patrol duties and Hephaistion who had just arrived.

 

I need to talk to Leon later –the hipparch remembered himself— Eni is very vulnerable right now I don’t want him to hurt her.

 

But when he arrived at his sister’s house…

 

—I am fine, Phai –said Berenike, sitting in front of him in her bedroom. She was all dressed in black, without make up, and her long long black hair loose, falling at each side of her pale face making her look like a ghost.

 

She had been crying, her eyes were still crystalline and puffy, but she behaved impeccably, just as their mother would have done in her place, not crying and wailing uncontrollably, in that aspect, Alexander had cried more for Kleitos than she, and Berenike had behaved with more decorum.

 

Hephaistion had been surprised when he arrived. He expected to find Kleitos’ body washed and anointed with oils lying on a tall bed inside the house to be mourned by his family and friends, but he had found no body and no one, excepted for his sister, Thais and Vashti.

 

— You are not fine, you are trying to look fine which is different –said Hephaistion and his sister smiled without humor.

 

— I may not had loved Kleitos, but I learned to care about him –Berenike answered, her hands tightly holding her dress over her lap—… I…I know that all of you faced death every day: you, Nick, Lys and, of course, my husband, but I never imagined that I would have to fear losing one of you at the hands of Alexander… —she took a deep breath, she did not want to cry again— Alexander…disappointed me…I’m sorry for telling you this but your lover is changing Phai, he is not the same boy that came to our house one day to invite you to go to Mieza…

 

— We all change Eni –said her brother slowly.

 

— Yes, Phai but, to kill my husband in a banquet just because Kleitos spoke out his mind? –Berenike raised her voice.

 

Hephaistion decided to left that question without answer. Kleitos had done more than to just “spoke out his mind” he had insulted Alexander in public and despite the fact that he may be right in some things, the dead hipparch had also exaggerated King Philip’s victories and had gone as far as to defend the King’s enemies as Attalus or Parmelio. But this was not the time or the place to be arguing with his sister, and she, contrary to him or Achilles, would never understand Alexander. 

 

— I need to ask you a favor –said Berenike, taking a deep breath to remain calm.

 

— Anything.

 

— I don’t know if you heard but…the army…the army voted that Kleitos’ death was just and they –this was so difficult for her—They won’t let me give him a proper funeral…They didn’t even give me his body –she added with anger. 

 

— I’ll talk to Alexander –he was sure his lover would fix this, after all, to leave a man without a proper burial was a terrible insult. Now he understood even better why Berenike was so angry with the King, she must think that he had ordered this. 

 

— Thank you.

 

XXX

 

An uncomfortable silence fell upon Alexander and Achilles. The Prince stayed where he was, near the door, and the King remained sitting on his couch. Hephaistion was right, they needed to talk but, to say what? Alexander felt a terrible shame in front of his son, he could face anyone but him. Why? Because of the look on his eyes that night, because it was like seeing himself, again at the age of 10 years old, watching the man he had became with fear. As he said to Hephaistion he no longer knew of what he was capable of and his Prince was the worst reminder of that.  

 

And Achilles? Achilles had never seen his father looking more like a monster that had taken from him one of the persons he loved the most, than the man he had always admired. And he was scared. 

 

— I am sorry –said the King, breaking the silence with a voice that his Prince hardly recognized as his. He was not sure of why he was apologizing but he felt he had to do it.

 

— Why? –the sudden question made Alexander turn to face him. The Prince did not look at him, he kept staring at his feet but clenching his cloths with such force that his knuckles were white— You murdered Kleitos, but why? I can’t understand… WHY?! –his time he lifted his head and found the King’s eyes, but these were not the eyes that had scared him, these were the eyes of a man in suffering, his cheek still showed the marks of his scratches and his demeanor was no longer that haughty superiority he had shown at the banquet, he was a humble mortal eaten alive by the remorse. 

 

— I can’t answer you that question, Aki –said Alexander with a ghost of voice.

 

— YOU MURDERED MY TEACHER! –the Prince shouted with all his forces, letting out all the anger, loneliness, sadness and fear he had felt the past 2 days— And I want to know WHY? You had no right to do that, he did nothing, but you were drunk… You are drunken fool! 

 

Never in his young life Achilles had been this angry, he was shaking from head to toe and feeling a burning urge to hit something, to break something, anything! The King approached him but his Prince pushed him away.

 

— I HATE YOU! –Achilles shouted at the top of his voice, repeating like a mantra how much he hated him, hitting his chest with his fists over and over again. But Alexander did not step back, he embraced Achilles with force and the boy started to cry again— I hate you…hic… —he said again, but this time without force.

 

— I know that mere words won’t bring Kleitos back to life but…I am truly sorry for what happened —the King felt a knot in his throat and, when Achilles finally calmed down and embraced him back, Alexander cried, but this time not out of shame or sadness, this time was because he felt that someone had forgiven him for what he had done. 

 

Hephaistion had been wrong, after all, someone could forgive him.

 

When Hephaistion came back to talk to Alexander about Kleitos’ funeral he found the King and the Prince still embraced and crying. He smiled, that was a good start. He left them, it would be better to come back again next day. 

 

XXX