CHAPTER 169

 

Alexander opened his eyes. He was sitting on a couch in the middle of the hall, and everything around him was ready for a magnificent banquet: the food, served on the tables, still steaming, the cups of wine full to its edges, music instruments resting alone on chairs and a heavy silence suspended on time…He was completely alone, as if all the guest, the servants, the pages, the slaves, everyone! Had suddenly disappeared leaving him in the stillness that only a tomb could offer. Alexander blinked, slowly almost sleepy, and then, standing in front of him was the lonely figure of Kleitos.

 

The hipparch, dressed in a blue linen chiton, with rings and jewels adorning him, stood before his King. His skin showed an unnatural paleness as only death could give, and his chest bleeding profusely from a mortal wound, turning the linen into a darker blue, like the midnight sky.

 

— Why are you here? –asked the King, his voice steady, as if he were used to see dead men standing in front of him everyday.

 

— I was hoping you could answer that questing for me –answered Kleitos with calm, but his dark eyes spoke louder than his words, shinning with pure hate.

 

— You are dead —Alexander was not scared, he was stating a fact while his mind tried to find an explanation for that presence in front of him— You are Kleitos’ shadow. 

 

— Yes, I am dead, and it is because of you –the dead hipparch voice was as cold as the winter’s wind, sending shivers to the never core of the King’s soul. 

 

— I did not want this…

 

— It doesn’t matter what you wanted but what you did, Alexander –answered Kleitos, at his feet the pool of blood continued to widen from the wound that never stopped bleeding— You are an animal, acting before thinking. You seek to be the very best among men but you are only a beast dressed in a man’s skin. 

 

— That is not true! –Alexander raised his voice full with anger, his words echoing against the tall walls of the empty hall.

 

— You let your anger to control you, your impulses and senses are stronger than your mind and “no one would value existence for the pleasure of eating alone, or that of sex unless he were utterly servile; to such a person it would make no difference whether he were a beast or a man and barbarians live exclusively through and for senses” (1) I found Aristotle’s words suitable for you, since you became the King of the barbarians. A beast! –tears slid down through Alexander’s cheeks— Why are you crying?

— I mourn for you –Kleitos laughed, a cold horrible laugh that sounded like nails scraping glass. 

 

— That’s not true. You mourn for yourself, for the beast you have became –said the dead hipparch— You don’t shed tears for me, those are for you because I may be dead but you –he smirked— You have the difficult task to live with yourself, a man you don’t longer know and who you can’t tell what is he going to do next. 

 

— Your words make no sense, Kleitos –said Alexander, lost and confused, feeling dizzy in that whirlwind of emotions. 

 

— Oh, really? THINK! The man who killed me is hidden somewhere inside you, whispering in your ear, dwelling in your heart, haunting your dreams –hissed Kleitos— And you cry because you do not know this man who lives inside you. You awaken him with my blood and he will stayed with you for the rest of your life…

 

Alexander opened his eyes. He was standing before the edge of a precipice, Parmelio was again in front of him, and everything was dark around them: no stars, no moon, no light. The old General held his gaze and smiled sadly at him. He moved his lips as he had done before many times in the same dream, but now something was different, this time something changed, this time the King could hear his words clearly.

 

— Soon, you will be here too very soon…

 

Alexander opened his eyes. He was again in the temple at Siwah, in the cave, alone, and in front of him was the High Priest, just as he remembered him.

 

— You have come very far –said the High Priest and the King nodded.

 

— I have achieved more than all the Kings of Macedonia put together –said Alexander, raising his chin proudly.

 

— That is true –the High Priest conceded— But don’t forget that everything comes with a price. Your immortality will cost you, you'll have to pay with the life of your dearest…don’t forget that.

 

Alexander opened his eyes. This time the ceiling of his room greeted him. He took a hand to his face, waiting a moment in the quiet of his room to know if he was still dreaming or if he had woke up. He raised his hand in front of his eyes, and watched it as if it belonged to someone else, unable to recognize his own fingers. Kleitos’ dried blood was still there, he hadn’t washed since that night, he hadn’t left his room, he barely slept and he when he did, only nightmares haunted him…like this one.

 

The King rolled and rested on his side, curling up in fetal position. He was not dreaming, the pain inside his chest was too real and too terrible to be a nightmare. No nightmare could ever compare to the real life. 

 

Where are you Phai? –the asked, but to whom? To the night? To the Gods?…The Gods had forsaken him, perhaps Aristander was right and he had unleash their rage, suffering now their infernal punishment. Only Hephaistion could take him out from his misery, he was his sanity and his strength. He needed him! But even his beloved was far from him, he was even denied that small comfort. What could he do then?…

 

You cry because you do not know this man who lives inside you…

 

Alexander trembled despite the warmth inside his room, he felt febrile and terrible alone. Kleitos was right…or was he going mad? Someone lived inside him and he was afraid of the only person from whom nobody could protect him: himself.

 

XXX

 

From the moment Hephaistion entered the city he knew something was not right. It was hard to put it in words but the hipparch had the feeling that his worst fears had come true and something terrible had taken place during his absence. He did not lose time and went straight to the palace, not bothering in taking a bath first or changing his cloths, as Xsayarsa insisted, rather too much, pointing out in a very colorful way the fact that, well, he reeked of horse.

 

For the eunuch was still inconceivable to see the King in his patron’s present and sorry state, covered in dust and sweat, but Hephaistion left Xsayarsa alone, to complain, at the top of his voice, with his poor slave Atash while he hurried to see his lover; feeling his heart like a hammer trapped inside his chest and that horrible feeling of impending doom hanging over his head.

 

Alex, what’s going on here? –he thought, climbing the palace’s stairs as quickly as he could.

 

—What do you mean Alexander is lock in his bedroom? –asked a very confused Hephaistion on the hallway that led to the King’s chambers.

 

The atmosphere at the palace was strange. Everything was so quiet, the servants and slaves moved like shadows, keeping their faces down, and nobody spoke unless it was absolutely necessary. On his way here, a servant dropped a vase and the noise resounded as loudly as a battle drum in that unnatural stillness.

 

Perdikkas, with his face swollen and bruised, and his nose looking 3 times its normal size, scratched his blond head thinking really hard how to explain what had happened 2 days ago. It was hard to even think in that fateful banquet, he was still trying to assimilate how much his world had changed in such a short time; and now, he was required to explain what had happened, how was he supposed to do that? 

 

—Something… happened –said the taxiarch, stupidly, pointing out the obvious.

 

—I can see that, but what happened? Is Alexander ill? –maybe Hephaistion’s tone was too hard, maybe he was being unfair with Perdikkas, who was clearly nervous and had no idea of how to explain himself, but the hipparch was worried and had no time to lose, he wanted, he needed, to go straight to the point.

 

—Er…not quite…no, at least not yet…—answered the taxiarch— But if he continues like this…

 

—Perdikkas! –Hephaistion scolded him, he was in no mood for this. He needed answers quickly.

 

His friend took a deep breath, his blue eyes on the wall.

 

—Alexander is not feeling well because…well, because he killed Kleitos –said his friend.

 

—Kill how? –for Perdikkas’ astonishment the hipparch did not seem surprise, it was almost as if he were expecting to hear this— Was Kleitos executed? Was there a trial? Was he plotting something?

 

Perdikkas shook his head.

 

—No, no and no. Phai, if you are thinking this was like what happened with Parmelio and Philotas you are mistaken –said the taxiarch, confusing and alarming his friend, and Hephaistion alarm did not nothing but increase and he heard the story of what had been said and done at the banquet.

 

Alex did WHAT? –the hipparch saw Perdikkas as if he could not understand what was he saying, as if his mouth moved but he were incapable to make out the words. This was so…unreal! His dark gray eyes growing bigger and bigger as he heard his friend talking: And Alexander said this and Kleitos answered that, until the painful outcome.

 

—I don’t have an idea if Alexander knew what he was doing or not –the taxiarch continued— But, when Kleitos dropped death at his feet he looked perfectly aware of what was he doing; of course that I was in pain and covered in blood, thanks to my broken nose, so maybe I am not the best person be telling you this –he took a breath— Then, Alexander looked around and, only when he found Achilles, he appeared to understand that Kleitos was death and what…

 

—Achilles? MY Achilles? –the hipparch interrupted him, frowning, he did not like this. So far he had listened in silence the whole horror tale, but this was too much. 

 

—Yes.

 

—What was my boy doing in a banquet like that? –he went from being worried to surprise, to shock and, now, finally angry.

 

Perdikkas shook his head, looking as helpless if he had been asked to recite the Iliad in Persian. This was exactly why he did not wanted to explain the situation to Hephaistion, there were so many questions and he had very few answers.

 

—How the hell should I know?! –exclaimed the tarxiarch, throwing his air in the air— I only know that he was there, but I have not even the slightest idea of why…Now, do you want to know what happened next or not? –Hephaistion puffed his cheeks out.

 

—Keep going.

 

—As I said, Alexander saw your boy and then looked back at Kleitos and the pool of blood under him –Perdikkas kept talking— As you can imagine it was as if time had stopped, and everyone moved away from Alexander not knowing what to do. Then, when he found himself alone, he took the spear off Kleitos’ body and tried to impale himself with it –up went Hephaistion’s eyebrows, unable to believe this, a theater play would have never been as dramatic as this story— Of course Ptolemy, Leon and the rest of the guard stopped him, but it was not easy –he sighed remembering that.

 

— Why?

 

— Alexander was like a mad man! I have seen lions less dangerous than him. He scratched his face and demanded to be allowed to end with his life instead of living in that dishonor –the taxiarch continued his tale—It took a great amount of time and energy to take him to his bedroom and, that same morning, he asked to see Kleitos’ body- We carried the corpse to his bedroom and Phai, let me tell you something, it was a nightmare! Alexander cried as I have never seen a man cry before, and said “this is how I have repaid my nurse, whose 2 sons fell at Miletus to win renown for me. This is her brother, her only source of comfort after her loss, and he has been murdered by me at the dinner-table! Where will the poor woman turn now?” (2) 

 

He should have thought that before killing Kleitos –thought Hephaistion angry.

 

— And, since that night, he had been locked inside his room refusing to eat –said his friend.

 

— Nobody had tried to reason with him? –Perdikkas laughed when he heard that, an almost hysterical laugh.

 

—Seriously? Reason with him? Phai, it is impossible to reason with him –he said—Kallisthenes and this philosopher guy… –he snapped his fingers trying to remember the name— Anaxarchus talked to him last night, but I don’t see Alexander much better.

 

—By any chance, do you know what did they say to him? –Hephaistion wanted to know, he needed all the possible information he could get before talking to his lover.

 

—Kallisthenes gave him a bunch of philosophical bullshit and Anaxarchus said “don’t you know why the wise men of old made Justice to sit by the side of Zeus? It was to show that whatever Zeus may do is justly done. In the same way all the acts of a Great King should be considered just, first by himself, then by the rest of us ”(3) –Hephaistion made a mental note to slap this Anaxarchus if he saw him. What kind of encouragement was that? The King did a terrible thing and he had to face the consequences, not to hide behind petty excuses like this— I also heard Aristander saying to Alexander that this had happened because he forgot to make a proper sacrifice to Dionysus and the God was angry. 

 

—So, this was some kind of divine punishment and therefore it is not Alexander’s fault? –the hipparch did not know if he should laugh or cry. They were all making excuses just to please the King, telling him what he wanted to hear instead of what he needed to hear.

 

But maybe they are afraid –Hephaistion mused— After all, Kleitos was killed precisely for saying what he really thought.  

 

—Phai you have to talk to him –said Perdikkas, almost begging—The men are very nervous, they think Alexander is truly going to starve himself to death and they are afraid to be left leaderless in the middle of enemy territory and so far away from home. We have tried everything but Alexander won’t listen; the men even voted to declare that Kleitos was justly put to death, hoping this would make the King feel better.

 

—This is a circus –Hephaistion shook his head. Things had gone out of control and more than ever he needed to be at his lover’s side— Do you have an idea of how is my sister?

 

Perdikkas took a deep breath.

 

—Phai, you sister scared us all –the hipparch got pale, imagining Berenike crying and wailing uncontrollably, as she had done when grandfather Demetrios died— I accompanied Leon to tell her the news; Thais insisted to come with us to console her, but Eni…She was in shock, and very pale, but Eni never cried or yelled, she behaved stoically and only asked for Kleitos’ body to prepare him for his funeral.

 

Oh, this is no good –thought Hephaistion worried— I don’t know what is best, if she cries until she falls asleep or if she does this…

 

— Is Nick with her?

 

— Nick is on a mission since a week ago, I bet you he doesn’t even have an idea of what happened here –answered Perdikkas— But don’t worry, Eni is not alone, Leon has been helping your sister, yesterday he spent the whole day with her.

 

— Leon? –definitely the hipparch did not like this. 

 

— I know what you are thinking because it’s the same I was thinking –said his friend immediately— But Leon insists that he only wants to help.

 

Right, and I am the Great King –thought Hephaistion, making a mental note to talk to Leonnatos later.

 

— And…Aki? –that was the question that had been eating him since he heard his son had witnessed the whole event, but was afraid of the answer.

 

— Aki is also locked inside his room…but he is eating –Perdikkas hurried to add when he saw the expression of open concerned on his friend’s face— Phai, I’m sorry –he sighed— I don’t know much about your son, things are very complicated around here and I only know a little about Eni because Leon tells me. 

 

The hipparch patted his shoulder.

 

— It’s all right –he said— I’ll find out. 

 

Hephaistion had to take a very complicated decision that day, he had to visit 3 persons: Alexander, Achilles and Berenike, but, to whom he should go first? The 3 of them were suffering equally, one because it had been his hand, in an anger outburst, that had taken Kleitos’ life, the second because not only he had witness how his adopted father murdered someone, he had witness how his dear mentor exhaled his last breath; and the third because she was the widow, left with 4 small children.

 

No one should have to take a choice like this –thought Hephaistion, and since he couldn’t divide himself in 3, at the end he decided to see the King first.

 

Why? Because he was affecting a great number of people in his present mood and, sadly, his son and sister could wait a little longer. It was in times like this that he really considered the possibility of getting married, a wife could help him to deal with this, comforting his son and supporting his sister while he was away. He shook his head; this was not a good time to be thinking about this.

 

As he approached to Alexander’s chambers striding the hipparch realized, for his astonishment, that he was angry. More than worried or shocked, after hearing the story of the banquet from Perdikkas’ he was angry. Above everything else Hephaistion could not believe that the King had been capable of doing such atrocity. Yes! Many of the things Kleitos had said were exaggerations, while others, he was sure, his dead brother-in-law had said them only looking to enrage Alexander.

 

Yes, Hephaistion also know that his lover had a horrible temper, he knew it better than anyone else because had suffered his rage many times, 2 times his lover had tried to force him into his bed: one at Mieza and the other at Persepolis, the King had yelled at him, he had suffered his jealous and Alexander had even tried to kill his friend Scipio… but he loved him, he loved him with all his faults, but this? Maybe this was too much even for his love.   

 

Alexander needs control that horrible temper of his –thought Hephaistion, fuming—He burned Persepolis while he was drunk but at least he had been thinking for a long time to do it, and he had reasons for destroying the palace complex. But this? Does he truly want to become a Asian Tyrant?…Memnon and Publius were right about him. Memnon knew Alex was dangerous, he wrote it to me…

 

…I truly hope that your King is worthy of your love and devotion, but my heart tells me he is not…

 

Was he right? –the hipparch asked himself, so angry that he had his fists closed with force, unconsciously— Am I in love of someone who is unworthy?—those thoughts scared Hephaistion, he had never questioned his love for Alexander before…But this?— Even Publius saw him for what he really is, he warned me at Persepolis…

 

…He has no right to force a free man to do something against his will…your King didn't used to behave like this… Unless he is planning to become an Asian tyrant now that he has the Persian Empire at his feet...

 

 I wanted to believe that Alex was not like that, that he would always be a noble King –the hipparch thought—BUT THIS?!… Was I wrong? Have I been wrong all this time? Did I gave my heart to a monster?…  He killed Kleitos and now is crying because of what is his nurse going to say? What the hell is the thinking?    

 

As he got closer to the King’s chambers the anger inside him appeared to grow. He needed to calm down, and, as he took a deep breath and counted to 10, the crestfallen figure of Bagoas caught his attention, taking him out of his dark thought. The eunuch was leaving the room with a tray full with untouched food.

 

Bagoas had no idea of what to do, he had tried everything to console the King but he appeared to have lost his mind, trapped in a never-ending circle of grief and pain. It worried the eunuch to see a man as strong as Alexander is such a petty state, he was so close and yet so powerless to do something to help him. Nobody could help the King, except perhaps only if the Gods took pity of him and brought Kleitos back to life.

 

Bagoas pursed his lips. Kleitos. It was the dead hipparch’s fault! Who did he though he was to question the Great King? To challenge him? To insult him? To minimize his great deeds? The eunuch had felt how that feeling of impotence had eaten his entrails while hearing the discussion 2 days ago, for him, Alexander had done the right thing killing Kleitos, and precisely because of this he was unable to understand why was he so sad now. Kleitos had what he…

 

— The King did not eat again? –the eunuch lifted his head and saw the Hephaistion as if he were a ghost. What was the hipparch doing here? When did he arrive? 

 

— No, sir –answered Bagoas, keeping his eyes down but inside burning in jealousy and hate.

 

Yes, he hated Hephaistion and only now he realized it, because it was thanks to him that Alexander ignored all his attempts to seduce him, it was thanks to Hephaistion that he could not have the only man he had learned to love. In 17 years Bagoas had never fallen in love, and when he finally did he was unrequited. He needed someone to blame and that someone was Hephaistion, the source of all his misfortune and the target of all his frustrations. 

 

What is he doing here? –thought the eunuch when, to his astonishment, the hipparch took the tray and entered the King’s bedroom unannounced. The guards knew him well enough, after all he had been their General for a long time, and did nothing to stop him.

 

XXX

 

(1) Aristotles’ words.

(2) Curtius. Book 8 # 1 19 to 52

(3) Arrian. The Campaigns of Alexander, p 217