CHAPTER 164

 

A Letter from Emperor Hadrian to Marcus Aurelius

137 Rome

 

“I have no children, nor is that a regret. To be sure, in time of weakness and fatigue, when one lacks the courage of one’s conviction, I have sometimes reproached myself for not having taken the precaution to engender a son, to follow me. But such a vain regret rests upon two hypotheses, equally doubtful: first, that a son necessarily continues us, and second, that the strange mixture of good and evil that mass of minute and odd particularities which makes up a person, deserves continuation […] It is not by blood, anyhow, that a man’s true continuity is establish: Alexander’s direct heir is Caesar, and not the frail infant born of a Persian princess in an Asiatic citadel” (1)

 

-o-o-o- 

 

It had been a while since the last time Alexander went on a mission without the army behind him. As a King, this kind of actions would be considered reckless, even foolish; Kings weren’t suppose to go in the darkness on dangerous missions to rescue a simple lochagos, and generations of previous Great Kings were frowning at that moment while, the most powerful men on the world, led his men through the hidden path his spy had shown them. For the Persians these were the kind of tasks only suitable for a servant, but Alexander was no Persian and he certainly wasn’t a common King.

 

Above everything else the young conqueror wanted to be like Achilles, he wanted his name to last through the ages, his deeds to be sang, and his battles to survive the stormy sands of centuries. He didn’t want to be remembered sitting on a throne, he wanted to be remembered on his horse at the front of his army crushing empires and building a path of glory at his wake.  

 

Achilles was the man he wanted to be, and Achilles wouldn’t have rest knowing the brother of Patroklus was in the hands of his enemies. Alexander was sure that, if his own brother had been captured, Hephaistion would be in his place; but more importantly, what the King wanted was to see his beloved smile again and he would go to the end of the world to achieve that.

 

To ride by night, through an unknown path, with no more light than the stars and the smiling moon on the sky was a task that not everybody would have undertaken and his men would be restless if it weren’t for the fact that, by now, they were used to this and used also to win. No mattered how crazy sounded the plan years of battles and victories had shown them that their King was rarely mistaken.

 

Two times they had to stop looking for any signs that they were on the right track. Alexander hoped to catch the Scythians next day, probably by noon, but the immortal Gods, to whom the King used to pray so fervently every day, decided that he had suffered enough and when one of his men went ahead to see if they had got lost…

 

— Are you sure? –asked Alexander. The news was too good to be true and he didn’t want to start jumping and celebrating until he was absolutely certain of this. 

 

—Yes, sire –the man nodded—I was looking for the path when my companion and I found the Scythians’ camp.

 

—How do you know it’s the Scythians’ camp?

 

—We saw the lochagos –the King’s face changed and he let hope to flourish in his heart.

 

— How? Where?

 

—He is heavily guarded, sire –the man explained—Kept in the middle of the camp. Your man was right, there are near 50 Scythians there but we could only count 3 or 4 sentries.

 

Their bad –thought Alexander smiling. This would be easier than he had thought.  

 

The Scythians could be great riders but they were poor soldiers. Not one of them expected a night attack, they were so concentrated in watching Nikandros, afraid of his abilities as a great warrior and sure that he could cut their throats at any moment to run away, that nobody had the precaution of keeping an eye on the rest of the camp.

 

The Macedonians moved like shadows, invisible in the dark, almost floating as if lacking weight and creating no noise. They covered the mouths of the sleeping Scythians and cut their throats in the utmost silence and efficiency. They never knew what happened, and only one sentry detected something unusual but before he could raise the alarm, Alexander had pierce his heart in a single fluid moment.

 

A silent scream remained frozen in the man’s throat as he fell on the ground.

 

Nikandros woke up when he heard the body hitting the ground. He had been trained like all soldiers: to fall asleep quickly whenever they had the chance and to wake up immediately with the weakest sound. The lochagos was lying on his side, covered with an old blanket that barely warmed him in that cold, and remained in the same position with his eyes opened. He knew something was amiss but he couldn’t tell what until he heard the unmistakable sound of a blade cutting flesh and the blood flowing from a wound.

 

They were under attack.

 

Nikandros cursed under his breath. His hands and feet were tied, and he had nothing near him remotely resembling a weapon. He heard steps approaching and his body tensed, if they were going to kill him at least he wasn’t going to make things easy for them. Someone lifted the blanket and he was ready to attack his opponent when he recognized the man kneeling at his side. The dancing light from the nearest torch showed him a very familiar face.

 

—Alexander? –for a moment the lochagos thought he was dreaming or that death had claimed him while he slept because this was impossible. 

 

—Are you hurt? –asked the King, looking for wounds and noticing that Nikandros was tied.

 

—Nothing serious –Alexander cut the ropes and one his men approached him.

 

—Sire, the Scythians are dead.

 

—All of them? –the King wanted to know, while casting aside the moorings.

 

—No sire, as you ordered we took some prisoners –the man explained.

 

—Good –Alexander nodded—Bring me a torch.

 

The man obeyed and then, the King was able to see what had the Scythians done to his lochagos. Nikandros had a horrible bruise on his face, black and purple, the skin around his wrists and ankles was broken thanks to the ropes and when he stood up, Alexander saw he limped.

 

—You are hurt –said the King, watching him from head to toe.

 

—I never said otherwise –Nikandros smiled—I said it was nothing serious.

 

—Can you mount?

 

—Yes –the lochagos didn’t vacillate to answer but the truth was that mount was a great effort for him. The man who hit him on the face, had kicked his leg so hard that Nikandros was sure this time he had a broken bone, and the motion of the horse made him feel a horrible sharp pain running through his nervous system—Alexander, how did you know I was here? 

 

—Phai –that was all he said but Nikandros didn’t need more explanations. He smiled.

 

The King took the leader of the group back with them, along with a couple of Scythians, and ordered to execute the rest. Even in his weak state, the lochagos recognized the man who had hit him and, taking a sword, he pierced his chest slowly, holding his gaze as life abandoned his body through the mortal wound.  

 

The group headed back to the camp but, as dawn broke, Alexander ordered to stop, rest and eat something. He noticed the lochagos’ pale face and knew without words that he was in pain.

 

—Be still –said the King, sitting in front of Nikandros on the grass, while cleaning his wounds.

 

Alexander liked to boast about his knowledge in medicine thanks to Aristotle’s teachings, something that more than once had woken up his doctors’ killing instincts, especially when he started to criticize some treatment or remedy they had just prescribed. But, other times, like this, his knowledge was very useful. 

 

The King cleaned the lochagos’ wounds, covering them with ointments or honey and dressing them with care. He had foreseen this, and, since he had no idea in what state was Nikandros, he had come ready with his first aid kit.

 

—How is Phai? –asked the lochagos, trying to ignore the pain he felt as the King rubbed his wrists with a clean cloth.

 

—Physically he is better, his head hurts from time to time but he is recovering quickly –Alexander answered—Emotionally…He is very worried for you. He rode alone all the way from Tomyris’ place to the army before we crossed the Jaxartes and has barely eat or sleep these last days.

 

Nikandros sighed.

 

—He should have forgotten about me –he said in a tone of voice the King didn’t know him, full with sadness—I was sure he would stay with Tomyris until he felt strong enough to look for you.

 

—If you were so sure of that then you don’t know your brother at all –said Alexander—Phai loves you.

 

—He loved me would be more accurate –answered the lochagos, his emerald eyes on the King’s hands—Things had…changed between us.  

 

Alexander fell silent. He debated for a moment if it was a good idea to talk to Nikandros about the situation with Hephaistion. What his beloved had told him the night before had been between them, and, whatever problems the brothers had could only be solved by them, he didn’t want to meddle but, at the same time, he didn’t want to see Hephaistion sad. 

 

—Nick, I know what happened between you and Phai –said the King and the lochagos lifted his head to face him. Alexander knew? What did he know exactly? Or what did he think he knew?—Phai told me you 2 slept together. 

 

Nikandros fell silent. He wasn’t the kind of person who felt embarrassment when confronted with his sexual encounters, on the contrary, he liked to boast about them and tell the details to anyone interested. But here they were talking about his brother, and to make everything worst, it was his brother’s lover, who was famous for his murderous jealous, the one who had brought up the subject.

 

—So, did you rescue me to organize my execution later? –the lochagos joked.

 

Alexander stopped what he was doing and held his gaze for a moment but Nikandros averted his eyes. He had never met a person who could look through a man like the King did, undressing him, tearing apart his flesh and bones to see inside his soul, and it was impossible for him to hold his gaze.

 

—I do not blame you for what happened and, certainly, I am not angry –said Alexander successfully surprising his beloved’s brother—Phai doesn’t hate you and he has done nothing but blame himself for what you did, he feels responsible and thinks you went with the Scythians because of what he said to you. 

 

By now Nikandros was watching the King with big round eyes full with astonishment.

 

—But Phai is insane! –he exclaimed—How can he be responsible for my actions?!

 

—That is exactly what I told him, but Phai won’t believe me, he needs to hear these words from your mouth –the lochagos nodded.

 

—I’ll talk to him…we need to talk about…several things after all.

 

They fell silent again and Alexander continued attending his wounds.

 

—Can I ask you something? –said Nikandros.

 

—Sure.

 

—Why did you come personally to rescue me? –the lochagos truly wanted to know.

 

—Phai is very worried and I wanted to be sure that nothing would happen to you –the King dressed his wrists.

 

—One more thing –said Nikandros.

 

—Yes?

 

—Why are you so calm with this situation? –Nikandros’ head was like a hive, many things buzzing inside, but among the noise this question was sounding louder than the rest. If the lochagos had never said a word about his feelings was to protect Hephaistion and to not be seen as a freak. Any other person in the King’s place would be furious or scandalized, not talking about this as talking about the weather while dressing his wounds. 

 

—Would you prefer if I were angry? –asked the King with a mischievous smile.

 

—I remember a very curious conversation we had once at Persepolis –said the lochagos— You asked me what would it take for me to sleep with my brother.

 

—I remember –answered Alexander, seeing where was this going.

 

—Also Phai told me you almost killed Scipio when they slept together –the King clenched his jaw, he didn’t like to think about that, to remember how he had found the Roman over his beloved—And now you are acting as if this were nothing –Nikandros smiled like a wolf—You wanted me to bed Phai, didn’t you?

 

For a moment Alexander said nothing, and he continued tying the bandages.

 

—What would you do if I say yes? –the King lifted his eyes but not his head and the lochagos laughed truly amused.

 

—Poor Phai –said Nikandros still laughing.

 

—Why?

 

— His brother and his lover are a pair of pervs –now it was Alexander’s turn to laugh.

 

Probably Alexander never knew that, what had started like a game, what had become one of his most hidden fantasies, helped Nick and I to overcome this trial. If it hadn’t been for the way in which he reacted, joking, laughing, a little aroused but never blaming or condemning us for what we did, my brother and I would have never been able to solve this situation.

 

XXX

 

When Hephaistion woke up and heard the King had gone with the group to rescue Nikandros he felt the urge to hit something. At first he thought Alexander had tricked him, but then, when the initial shock had evaporated, he understood why his lover had done this, he had done it for him. Not anyone would risk his life to save his beloved’s brother with whom he had slept, this made Alexander an especial man, but a King going personally on a mission like this? The hipparch was sure that no-one would ever love him like Alexander did and this moved him.  

 

Life continued, despite everything that had happened, the lost of his memory and his affair with Nikandros, life continued: the sun came out as every morning, and the army followed its well establish routine as always. Hephaistion wanted to spend the day with Perdikkas, and, on his way to his friend’s tent, he found Achilles training again with Kleitos.

 

Now that the young Prince had became a boy of 9 years old, looking as if he were 12, the hipparch of one half of the hetairoi cavalry treated him more savagely than ever, as if he were a young recruit and not a boy. Hephaistion stopped for a moment and saw how his brother-in-law disarmed the Prince easily, twisted his arm, and kicked him on the stomach, sending him flying until he hit the ground heavily like a sack of grain.

 

— Is this all that you have learned with me? –yelled Kleitos—How long have I been training you? Eh? Answer me! –Achilles couldn’t speak, that kick had taken all the air out of his lungs and every time he opened his mouth he started to cough. Kleitos strode to him and sharply lifted the boy by the arm—I asked you a question!

 

—F…Five…ye…ars…—said the Prince at last. 

 

—Five years! And you can’t do something as simple as disarm me? –Kleitos shook Achilles as if he were a rag doll—Let us do this again –he let the boy fall again.

 

Hephaistion knew that to disarm his fellow hipparch was everything but “simple” and even if he thought his brother-in-law was too cruel sometimes, he never intervened. Why? First because he had heard enough times Alexander’s story of his ruthless mentor Leonidas and how that man and his savage methods had made him the man he was now and blah, blah, blah…And second because, against all odds, Achilles loved Kleitos. For the Prince, the only man stronger than his teacher was his father, and he saw Kleitos as if he were the reincarnation of some Homeric hero.

 

—Stand up! –Kleitos roared—You already look like a girl; do you want me to treat you like one? Princess!

 

That remark made Achilles blush in embarrassment.

 

—I’m not a girl! –shouted the boy, who had started to notice one of the reasons why Seleucus was crazy about him: he was too delicate, too pretty and too fragile, and he didn’t like it. It hurt his pride to hear a man like Kleitos, a manly man from head to toe, call him “a girl”. 

 

—Then prove me wrong! Or I’ll send you to embroider with my wife –Achilles picked up his 2 wooden swords, he had learned to use them training with his father, and attacked his teacher again.

 

Hephaistion shook his head and decided to go, it would do no good to his son’s pride if he discovered his father witnessing his humiliation. It was better to leave them alone. To embroider with my wife…That made the hipparch think about his sister. It had been months since Alexander decided to leave the camp followers behind at Hyrcania but, for what he had heard they would see the camp followers again at Zariaspa. He smiled thinking about Berenike, her children, Kyros and Xsayarsa. It would be nice to be with them again.  

 

— Where is Leon? –asked Hephaistion when he found Perdikkas—I was sure he was with you.

 

—Honestly, I have no idea –said the taxiarch, pointing at a chair at his side—He had been acting weird lately. 

 

The hipparch sat down. His friend’s tent was more luxurious than his own, but that was no news, Perdikkas had always liked expensive things almost as much as he loved women.

 

— Weird how?

 

—Keeping secrets, hiding in the shadows…If I didn’t knew him better I would say he is a spy –the taxiarch laughed and Hephaistion smiled. ‘Leonnatos the spy’ Their poor friend was so transparent that he was the worst person to keep secrets, reason why when he kept them he always looked suspicious—Leon is pestering the officer in charge of the correspondence almost everyday, asking if there are letters for him.

 

—Why? –the hipparch frowned but his friend shrugged.

 

—He never says. I have asked him more times than you can count but he always shakes his head and remains silent –Perdikkas explained.

 

—Weird –said Hephaistion when they heard noise outside—What is that?

 

The taxiarch shrugged again and stood up. The King had returned, and the hipparch ran to see if there were news of his brother. Despite everything Hephaistion had thought in the last days, as soon as he saw his brother, he was so happy that he forgot about everything and ran to embrace Nikandros as if nothing had happened between them. The lochagos didn’t need words, that embrace was more than enough to know his brother loved him even if they had slept together and that made me immensely happy.

 

XXX

 

—You are a moron! –exclaimed Hephaistion as soon as he was alone with Nikandros. The doctor had examined him, praising the King’s healing skill, although nobody knew if he was sincere of just trying to gain his sovereign’s favor, and declared the lochagos didn’t have major injuries. His leg was not broken but he had a sprained ankle—I can’t believe you actually thought I hated you.

 

—Well Phai, you weren’t exactly too happy when you regained your memory –said his brother, sitting on the bed with the hipparch standing at his side.  

 

—I was overwhelmed! I recovered my memory after almost dying for 3 days and…—Hephaistion fell silent and took a hand over his eyes, thinking how to explain this without making everything worst—It is not easy to wake up one day and to remember that your big brother was your lover –he said slowly, dropping his hand—I’m sorry.

 

— For what?

 

— For everything –the hipparch sat at his side—You tried really hard to stay away from me and I didn’t stop until we…

 

—We what? Say it Phai, if we are going to live with this we need at least to be able to talk about what happened –said Nikandros. He wasn’t angry, upset, depressed, not even sad. He was calmed, knowing that his brother was fine and still cared about him. After talking with Alexander he felt again like his old-self and ready to face this situation.

 

Hephaistion puffed his cheek out, feeling his face burning.

 

—Fine…I’m sorry for chasing you until we had sex even if you said many times you didn’t want to –he said—And I am also sorry for yelling at you.

 

His brother nodded.

 

—You don’t need to apologize, but if this makes you feel better I forgive you –he answered—Phai, you did what you felt you had to do. You were confused and you clung to the only one who gave you some sort of comfort. 

 

—But I played with your feelings –that made Nikandros laugh as if he had never heard anything funnier in his entire life.

 

—Oh dear Aphrodite! You truly are funny –the hipparch narrowed his eyes. 

 

—What’s so funny?

 

—Phai, you are talking with ME, the number one jerk in Macedonia. Do you actually think I am so fragile that something like that can hurt me? –Nikandros cleaned the tears from his eyes—There is only one thing that can hurt me and that is if you hated me –Hephaistion opened his eyes truly surprised—I can live with what we did, in fact, thanks to you I’m going to die a happy man after having something I wanted all my life –the hipparch blushed even more—What I felt for you before we slept together is the same I feel for you now –the lochagos closed the distance between them and dropped his voice—Listen to me very carefully because I will say this only once, and, if you tell anyone I will deny everything –he took a deep breath, it was hard for him to say this but he had to, even if he had never said it before—I…—the words were so alien to him that he needed a moment—I love you Phai, and I will always do. You are my brother, that will never change, and this means a great deal to me. You make me feel something I can’t describe.

 

Hephaistion felt a knot in his throat. If any other person had said this to him it would not have matter as much as to hear it from a man he loved too; because he loved Nikandros, as his brother and a friend. It was confusing and difficult to deal with that feeling, knowing that the same person was: his brother, his friend, his father figure after Amyntor died, and also his lover.

 

—Nick, I…—brother patted his shoulder.

 

—I will be fine, don’t look at me like that –Nikandros smiled—I’m used to these kind of things, casual sex and everything else, but, the one who worries me is you. Are you sure you are going to be fine?

 

The hipparch nodded. Alone he would have never being able to overcome this situation, but knowing that Alexander and Nikandros were supporting him gave Hephaistion the strength to face this. He would be fine.

 

—Yes, but I’ll need time to adapt to your new status –his brother blinked confused.

 

— My what?

 

—Your new status –Hephaistion explained—You went from being my brother to a very good friend with whom I made love –the lochagos laughed—I will need time but I will be fine.

 

—I’m glad to hear it –Nikandros cleared his throat—I will need time too, to be back to be just your big brother, so, if I suddenly spank you don’t freak out –the hipparch smiled—Tell me something, did you…like to sleep with me?

 

Hephaistion shook his head, still smiling. 

 

— You will never change –he said fondly.

 

—Oh, come on! I deserve to know.

 

— All right –the hipparch took a moment to think—Yes Nick, I liked it. You are by far the kinkiest and most experienced person with whom I ever slept.

  

—Well, thank you –answered his brother, proud as if he had been won a great prize—I guess this will be our little secret, well our and Alexander’s secret.

 

Hephaistion stopped smiling.

 

—What do you mean? –he wanted to know.

 

—Your lover told me he knew about us.

 

—He did what?! Why? –the hipparch was surprised and confused. Nikandros shrugged. 

 

—I don’t know. He was worried about you and asked me to talk to you –his brother explained, then an evil smiled curved his lips—Did you know he wanted to see us together?

 

—I can’t believe he told you that –said Hephaistion in utterly astonishment.

 

—You knew?

 

—I know since that show we gave at the banquet –the hipparch said, remembering Alexander’s expression and the 2 red spots on his cheeks— Do you remember?

 

—Phai, I would never forget that –said Nikandros with a happy smile—Why do you never say anything to me?

 

—Because I wasn’t going to share with you my lover’s fantasies –Hephaistion cocked his head—I still can’t believe he told you.

 

—I bet you Alexander is dying to know the details of what happened between us –the lochagos leaned back against the bedside.

 

—He can keep guessing.

 

—You are not fun –Nikandros crossed his arms behind his head—We should charge him and tell him one story at a time.

 

—NIKANDROS!

 

—See? Not fun at all.

 

XXX

 

(1) Marguerite Yourcenar. Memoirs of Hadrian, p 253