CHAPTER 163

 

It was night by the time Hephaistion found the strength to get up and finally left that carpet that had accompanied him for 3 days on his journey of endless agony. He didn’t believe in the Gods’ existence but was convinced that a superior force must have taken pity on him after such excruciating pain, granting his wish to recover his memories. But, had it been a blessing or a curse? The hipparch had wished with all his forces to remember and now that he remembered he felt overwhelmed.

 

His memories were a burden, so heavy, that Hephaistion had spent all day lying on Tomyris’ carpet, thinking, thinking, thinking; and what had he accomplished? Sadly nothing or nothing good to be more precise. It was one of those days when he really didn’t know what he wanted, when he felt just tired and jaded, wanting a break from everything, even from himself. The hipparch wanted to scream, to cry, to laugh, to hit something, or someone, to run back to Alexander, to stay where he was, to do something and to do nothing, to have company and to be alone. All at the same time.   

 

I’m going mad –thought Hephaistion, walking to the tent’s entrance. What he needed was to leave this place and stop thinking.

 

You think too much…

 

That was the universal consensus and maybe he should pay attention of what everybody said and interrupt the flow of thoughts that were threatening to drown him.

 

Outside, the cold wind was a welcome relief, it felt good, it made him feel alive again. He walked around the place, hearing whispers and fragments of conversations from the people spending the night near Tomyris’ tent, waiting for their turn to have a moment with the healer. This was curious camp: several small tents scattered around with no order, fires burning, the smell of too spicy food floated to him and suddenly he found himself missing his mother.

 

The hipparch closed his eyes, and, for a glorious moment, he was able to smell the delicious aroma of Antigone’s cookies. When he was a boy and felt sad his mother used to bake cookies to cheer him up. It was like magic; by the time he finished, and only crumbs were left on the table, he had already forgotten why he was sad in the first place.

 

Hephaistion sighed. Life was so simple when he was a child, his parents protected him from everything, he spent his days playing on the fields, hearing his grandfather’s war stories and his big brother was just that: his big brother. He missed his home but his mother was truly the last person he wanted to see that night, he wouldn’t dare to see her in the eyes after what had happened. How was he supposed to deal with this?   

 

I can’t do this alone –he thought—That’s the problem, I’m trying to fix this alone but I can’t –for the first time is his life, he, Hephaistion son of Amyntor, admitted he needed help. Not even when King Philip had raped him had he admitted that, it had taken years, and Philotas’ attempt to blackmail him, to make him talk to Alexander about what had happened when he was a page—I won’t do that again. 

 

And with that in mind the hipparch went to look for his brother. He knew how much Nikandros hated to sit down and talk, he always claimed only women talked about their feelings, but it was necessary. They were together in his mess and they would come out of this together.

 

Hephaistion looked for the lochagos everywhere but couldn’t find him, and, at end, tired of this he decided to ask his hostess. He hoped Nikandros hadn’t decided to bang her, knowing his brother he wouldn’t be surprised, but he wasn’t the mood for awkward encounters. To find his brother, with whom he had slept, having sex with the woman who had cured him, was the last thing he wanted. 

 

— You are looking for your brother? –asked Tomyris taken aback. She looked as confused as if the hipparch had asked a nonsense like: “why do you have blue horses?”

 

— Yes, my brother –he insisted—The man who accompanied me here. Have you seen him?

 

— I…thought you knew –those words scared Hephaistion. Since he had met her, she was always calm, as if nothing could disturb her, but now, Tomyris looked truly surprised. 

 

— What happened? –the hipparch felt a hollow in his stomach.

 

Tomyris picked up a basket with herbs.

 

— Armed men came looking for you –she explained, resting the basket against her hip, and cocking her head—And your brother went with them.

 

This was even worst than what Hephaistion had imagined.

 

— Armed men? What armed men? What happened? Where did they go? –his heart beat faster, feeling the grip of the cold hands of fear in his stomach, hopping in vain his brother weren’t with the enemy.

 

— Scythians. I heard they work for a man called Spitamenes –Tomyris explained, materializing the hipparch’s fears—Your brother went with them and asked me to take care of you, that is all I know.

 

Hephaistion felt dazed as if he had been hit by a giant rock. What was this woman saying? Nikandros had gone with them, why? But he answered that question immediately. If Scythians, allied with Spitamenes, had came looking for him, it was to take him as a hostage in order to oblige Alexander to grant their demands, or to kill him as revenge, and if his brother had gone with them it was to take his place.

 

— Shit! –the hipparch ran back to the place where their horses were, paying no attention to Tomyris’ words, reminding him that he shouldn’t run. The wound on his head hadn’t healed and he had to rest.

 

Hephaistion thought quickly what to do while saddling up the horses. He couldn’t go after Nikandros in his present condition: alone, wounded, and still weak after 3 days fighting for his life; he was panting after running a very short distance and his head was throbbing again, his body wouldn’t survive the hardships of going into enemy territory and to fight against an unknown number of armed and dangerous Scythians.

 

Going after his brother was the same as wasting his sacrifice and putting himself in the hands of Spitamenes, complicating also Alexander’s life. There was only one thing he could do and that was go back to the army and asked the King for help; then he could look for his brother…

 

If he is still alive –said a horrible voice inside him, making the hipparch tremble. He had to hurry.

 

XXX

 

It was dawn but the Macedonia army had everything ready to start that day’s march. The camp had been dismantled, the men waited in their battle formations and the pack animals where pulled by the slaves, urging them to get in line

 

— Sire, this is the best thing you can do –said Eumenes, mounting at the King’s side. Unfortunately, if the secretary was trying to cheer up the young conqueror he was doing a terrible job.

 

Alexander had finally made up his mind, they would march back, but not to Maracanda. He had spent such a long time here that now it was winter and they would have to wait at Zariaspa until the weather let them crush Spitamenes’ rebellion. Besides, the King had things to do at Zariaspa, Bessus waited there his sentence and Alexander wanted to finish with him as soon as possible.

 

The King’s body, if not his heart, felt better, his wounds were healing fast, his sickness was over and his only discomfort was that he couldn’t raise his voice to shout orders. The uneven eyes of the young sovereign of 27 years old surveyed his men; everything was ready to head back to the Jaxartes River and he could see than more than one was relief knowing they were going back to friendly territory leaving this wretched steppe behind and going back to civilization.

 

But there was no relief for him. Alexander’s heart was troubled, he couldn’t leave without his beloved. He was so sure that Hephaistion had crossed the river but now…Now the King doubted his own judgment and started to believe his beloved had gone in other direction. Still, before leaving, he had sent again 4 Ilai to look for his hipparch, one last time, but if they returned my noon with no news, Alexander would have to leave.

 

— Dad.

 

— What is it? –Alexander didn’t turn to see Achilles, his eyes were far away, at the distance, as if trying to find his beloved only with sheer willpower.

 

— It’s winter again –said the boy, mounting at his side and covered with a heavy cloak.

 

Winter? Phai’s birthday would be soon –thought the King sadly—In a couple of weeks. 

 

He turned to look at Achilles. His birthday had just passed and he was now a very handsome boy of 9 years old. It warmed his heart to look at him, he would be a great King and when the time came Alexander would make sure to train him also as a good commander. The same as King Philip had done with him, he planned to give Achilles his first command on his sixteenth birthday, and he could hardly wait for that moment, to have his son fighting at his side.

 

But the smile that was curving his lips disappeared when his mind evoked again the image of Hephaistion…Hephaistion, where was he?

 

— Dad, you shouldn’t be here, you are still recovering –his Prince took him out of his thoughts.

 

— Says the young man to the old grandfather –the King joked but Achilles didn’t laugh.

 

— I’m worried about you. You don’t take care of yourself, and that’s why you ended drinking foul water –he scolded his adopted father with seriousness improper of his age.

 

Alexander smiled again. Since he was injured Achilles had been taking care of him, helping him to eat, as if he were a small child, when he couldn’t even move his head after the wretched rock hit his neck, checking that he took all his medicines, helping to change the bandages of his leg, and running his errands just like another page. 

 

He is his father’s son –thought Alexander, watching the boy fondly. Achilles had made his burden easier to bear and he couldn’t express with words how grateful he was for this.

 

— I wish you didn’t have my eyes –said the King suddenly, taking his Prince aback, but before the boy could say something...

 

— SIRE! –a man shouted, riding like a demon in his direction—Sire! We found hipparch Hephaistion!   

 

Alexander’s heart skipped a beat. Could this be true? Had the Gods finally answered his prayers?

 

Please father Zeus let this be true! –he prayed.

 

— Where? Where is the hipparch? –the King’s voice trembled with emotion and the rider pointed to the north. Achilles opened his mouth to question the newcomer but Alexander kicked the flanks of his horse before a word left his lips; so eager to see his beloved again that didn’t bother to hear the man’s report.

 

Sure enough, coming from the north he could see the clouds of dusts that the horses of one of the Ilai raised at their wake and, at the front of them, the unmistakable silhouette of Hephaistion. Alexander couldn’t express the joy he felt in that moment, he was complete again, hope had returned and for him, the sight of his love one was like the sight of the sun raising on the sky after long and gray months of winter.

 

What had the hipparch expected to feel when he saw the King again? He was so worried about his brother that hadn’t stopped to think about this carefully, but, when he dismounted and saw Alexander there, standing a few paces, dressed in all his military glory, an overwhelming joy filled his heart and he ran to embrace him.

 

The warmth of Alexander’s body washed away all his worries, and soon he forgot about everything: his weakness, hunger, tiredness and the horrible throbbing of his head. Nothing mattered. Hephaistion felt safe in those arms and ready to fight against the world if it was necessary; he was a fool to try to solve everything by his own and now, only now, he understood this.   

 

I only wish I have known this when I was 13 –he thought.

 

— Phai…Oh dear Zeus! It’s really you –the King whispered against his cheek. Closing his eyes for a moment, unable to believe that this moment was real. He felt so happy, so relief, as if waking up from a nightmare.  

 

—I’m so sorry…I should have never leave you –said Hephaistion, his voice again full with love and adoration, the same voice of his dear childhood companion and soul mate, that voice that made his heart beat faster and to feel his stomach full with butterflies—But I had to do it.

 

— Do you remember?

 

— Everything. 

 

The King moved away, holding his gaze. Yes, those were the eyes he loved, the eyes that looked at him, only at him, with unconditional love.

 

— How this miracle happened? –he asked without voice.

 

— It’s a long story, I’ll tell you later –said his beloved with urgency, catching Alexander’s attention—Nick is trouble.

 

It didn’t take long for the hipparch to tell the King about what had happened with his brother and the Scythians and Alexander quickly dispatched a group to the river with orders to look for a suspicious group of armed men. 

 

— If they are planning to take Nick to Spitamenes, they have to cross the Jaxartes –said Alexander while they rode together at the front of the army, heading back to the river.

 

— Yes, but, what are the chances that your men can find a group of armed men in the middle of enemy territory? –asked the hipparch. He was very paled, he hadn’t recovered completely and on top of that, he had ride like crazy all night. It was a tortured for Hephaistion to mount, each step felt as if a hammer were hitting his skull, and the King had insisted that he should travel with the wounded but his beloved refused. He didn’t have time to rest, not until he knew his brother was fine—The Jaxartes is a long river.

 

— Phai, I understand you are worried and tired, but you will have to trust me.

 

— I trust you! It’s just…—he made a pause—It’s my fault Nick took my place.

 

—Where do you get that idea? –Alexander frowned—How could this possibly be your fault?

 

— Because of what I told him!

 

— What are you talking about? –the King didn’t like this.

 

— I’ll tell you when we are alone.

 

XXX

 

Nikandros had heard all his life men praising his brother’s beauty, he had heard his friends and companions talking about all the things they would to do to Hephaistion if they were Alexander, but, one thing was to hear mere words and another completely different to feel how it was to be his brother.

 

When the Scythians caught him outside Tomyris’ domains, they tied his wrists and made him ride at the center of the formation. There was always a guard of at least 5 men with him all the time. He couldn’t even piss alone! But they had heard so much of Hephaistion, the man who killed Dardanos the Hound of Hades and who cut Kingu’s arm, and they didn’t want to take risks.

 

The lochagos didn’t mind the reverential fear, on the contrary, he enjoyed that part and sometimes he had scared the hell out of his captors moving suddenly. The part that unnerved him was the part when the men gave him looks full with naked lust. The Scythians had also heard that Hephaistion was the Great King’s lover and that even Darius had desired him. They wanted to know what made Hephaistion special and Nikandros was sure that, if they had the chance, they would rape him. 

 

The lochagos didn’t possess his brother’s beauty but he was a handsome man and every time the Scythians help the lochagos to mount with his hands tied, they didn’t lose a chance to touch him among rude laughs and vulgar words in a language Nikandros didn’t understand but the meaning was quiet obvious. Soon he discovered that, being Hephaistion wasn’t easy, but he also found himself surprisingly happy after taken his brother’s place. He hadn’t stopped Memnon from kidnapping his brother, he hadn’t stopped Darius from selling him into slavery; he had failed protecting him, but not this time, never again. He preferred to suffer this instead of Hephaistion and the only thing he regretted was to leave his daughters alone.  

 

Just when I wanted to do things right. I even got married for the Gods’ sake!… I wasn’t mistaken when I thought everything comes with a price –thought the lochagos while his captors forced him to mount again—But I guess this is a small price to pay after having Phai.

 

One of the Scythians delayed his hand on Nikandros’ butt, grabbing it, and the lochagos spat at him. The man’s reaction was immediate, he slap his face so hard that Nikandros lost balance, almost falling from the horse; he truly thought his cheekbone was broken, but somehow he managed to laugh.

 

—That’s all you can do? –the lochagos teased him. The man was ready to kill him, he drew his knife but before he could strike the leader took his arm with force.

 

They said something in their strange language. The man was furious, looking and pointing at their prisoner but the leader repeated always the same thing shaking his head. Finally the man snorted, gave a horrible look to Nikandros and mounted again.

 

The things I do for you Phai –thought Nikandros, feeling his face throbbing and burning in the place where man had hit him. He lifted his head and found the landscape very familiar—I have been here before…Isn’t this the road to the Oxus River? 

 

XXX

 

The army moved back to Zariaspa in order to spend the winter there. They couldn’t march on Maracanda with that weather and would be better for everyone to rest and crush the revolt when spring came. The important thing was to have the army again on Persian soil, as a constant reminder for Spitamenes that his days were count, and not lost on enemy territory at the other side of the Jaxartes.

 

Three days had passed since Hephaistion returned at Alexander’s side but, unfortunately, there were no signs of his brother. The hipparch was consumed by worried, he barely eat or sleep, something that was alarming the King. Doctor Philip had examined Hephaistion, and the doctor was not only surprised to see him cured he was also worried; the wound that Tomyris had inflicted him with the rock was still fresh and the hipparch needed to eat healthy and rest, 2 things he wasn’t doing. 

 

But the Gods had mercy on them all and, on their way back to the Oxus River, Alexander’s spies brought him encouraging news about Nikandros’ whereabouts.  

 

— The lochagos is traveling with a group of 50 Scythians –said one man of tanned skin, dark beard and guttural voice. Hephaistion had never seen this man before but, this didn’t surprise him, he didn’t know the identity of all of the King’s spies because it was safer this way.

 

Only the hipparch and the King were in the royal tent, something that hadn’t made Eumenes happy, but Alexander knew Nikandros’ life was in serious danger if word reached the enemy that they hadn’t captured his beloved. If Spitamenes, or the Scythians, discovered who really was the lochagos, they would kill him without a second thought, so, the less people knew about this the better.   

 

— Where are they heading? –asked the King, sitting on a chair covered by a bear’s skin.

 

— To Maracanda, sire –answered the man—They took a long but safe route not far from here, it won’t be too difficult for you to catch them.  

 

Hephaistion’s heart beat faster. It had been 3 days now since the Scythians captured his brother and despite his desire to share everything with Alexander, so far, he had only told his lover about Tomyris: how they heard about her, about the journey and how he had recovered his memory, but nothing about what had happened between him and his brother.

 

Why hadn’t he said more? Because his mind was with Nikandros, vulnerable at the enemy’s hands and, even if he was sure that the King knew he was hidden something, the hipparch couldn’t figure out how to explain this situation, he wanted to tell everything to Alexander but didn’t know how.

 

— Can you tell my scouts how to find the Scythians? –asked the King and the man nodded. 

 

— Yes, sire. Show me a map and I’ll explain them.

 

— Good man. If we catch them in time I’ll see that you are properly rewarded.

 

— Thank you sire –the man bowed.

 

XXX

 

— What are you planning? –asked Hephaistion as soon as they were alone.

 

— I’ll send a group tonight to rescue Nick –said Alexander—If they are not far, as the man said, we could have him back with us before the end of this week.

 

His beloved nodded. 

 

— I want to go too –said the hipparch at once. The King didn’t answer immediately and for a long moment they only heard the crackling of the fire in the brazier. Alexander wasn’t surprised, in fact, he had expected this reaction, but…

 

— Phai…

 

Hephaistion smiled.

 

— I know that “Phai” –he said—I guess this is the part where you scold me.  

 

Alexander couldn’t avoid smiling back. It was good to have his beloved back.

 

— I’m not going to scold you –he said, indicating Hephaistion to sit down at his side.

 

—But you don’t want me to go –his beloved answered. 

 

— That’s right.

 

—Why not? You know I am fine now –said Hephaistion, taking a seat and holding his gaze. He knew this was an exaggeration, “fine” was a very big word but he felt able to fight—And we are talking about my brother.

 

— Precisely! Because he is your brother I don’t want you to go –the King didn’t raise his voice, he didn’t have to, but the intensity of his words left his beloved speechless—I don’t want you in the rescue party because I’m sure you are going to do some madness, endangering your own life, trying to save Nick –his beloved averted his eyes—You are acting very weird since you got your memory back, and I know something happened to you but if you don’t want to tell me…

 

— I want to tell you! –the hipparch interrupted him, looking at him again—But I don’t know how.

 

The King fell silent considering this for a moment. He took a deep breath and looked at his hands, his heavy seal ring caught his attention. It was curious how people thought of the Great King as an almighty entity, almost divine, with limitless power and able to obtain what he wanted just snapping his fingers. But, if this was true, why was so difficult for Alexander to obtain what he wanted? Something as simple as an explanation. What the most powerful man on the planet wanted more than anything was to understand what was happening to his beloved. 

 

—Why don’t you start by explaining me why are you so upset and anxious to rescue Nick? –he said and Hephaistion snorted. 

 

— Because he is my brother…

 

—Wrong! –the hipparch held his breath—You are not only worried for your brother you are acting as if this were your fault.

 

—It is my fault!

 

—Why? Because Nick chose to take your place and go with the Scythians? How can that be your fault? It was Nick’s choice! You would have done the same in his place –said Alexander but Hephaistion shook his head.

 

— Nick did it because he thinks I hate him –now the King was confused.

 

— What exactly aren’t you telling me? What happened between you two? –for his beloved’s reaction he could tell this was the right question to ask. The hipparch brushed his hair behind his ear, struggling to find the words to explain a situation he had never imagine could be possible.

 

Why is life always so difficult for me? –he thought, but a little voice answered him immediately: Life is difficult for everyone, and asks more from whom has more. 

 

—Do you remember that I was… confused? When I couldn’t remember my past, I mean –said Hephaistion in a low voice. He was nervous that his hands trembled so much that he had to clench them into fists.

 

It didn’t take long for the King to see where was this going.

 

—I remember. You said you liked Nick –the hipparch puffed his cheeks out.

 

—I slept with Nick –that had been blunt but he couldn’t find other way to explain this.  

 

Alexander’s reaction was almost comical. First he thought his imagination was playing tricks on him and his inner pervert had heard what he had wanted to hear since that night when Nikandros almost kissed Hephaistion during a banquet; then, when he saw his hipparch’s pale face, his embarrassment and nervousness, the King knew he had heard correctly.

 

Hephaistion had slept with his brother. There was shock, surprisingly not jealousy, the King was befuddled, stunned, frozen on his spot, watching his beloved through perfectly round eyes that made him look like an owl; his mind was blank, what was he suppose to say or to think? How did a person react hearing that the impossible had happened? Hephaistion had slept with his brother. For Alexander this was the equivalent to hear that his army had spotted a flying pink elephant.

 

Hephaistion had slept with his brother. Was it really shock or joy what he was feeling? After the initial surprise his mind started to race, his beloved’s words sinking deep in him, and, involuntarily, he started to picture that: Hephaistion panting under Nikandros’ sweaty body…He shook his head, he had to focus.   

 

Hephaistion had slept with his brother. But the important part was not the shock, or the hot tickling running through the King’s body not even the fact that, technically, his soul mate had betrayed him, what really mattered was…

 

— How do you feel? –asked Alexander, his voice soft and tender. 

 

— At first…confused –his beloved admitted. To say those words had been hard but now, watching those uneven eyes full with love he felt better, as if the blond had lifted a giant rock that was crushing him—I never thought about Nick in that way –he sighed—To be honest with you I was angry, not with Nick but with myself. I was the one who seduced him and I was the one who got into his bed –the King’s body tensed in desire hearing this—Nick loves me…I would have never thought that possible –he forced a nervous laugh and the King needed a moment to understand that part. Nikandros loved Hephaistion? Since when?— And he loves so much that I could have died knowing nothing about his true feeling if I hadn’t…—he made a pause— I yelled at Nick, you know? Just before he handed himself to the Scythians. The last thing I said to him was “leave!” He must think I hate him, but that’s not true. 

 

Too much shocking information in very few words. For a moment Alexander felt overwhelmed and lost, the blond would need time to assimilate everything and by now he had more questions than when this conversation started: What did Hephaistion mean when he said Nikandros loved him? How exactly had he seduced his brother?… But, he had to admit that, among his increasing astonishment and complete bewilderment, this little drama was starting to have sense.

 

— Phai, nobody can blame you for what happened –Alexander said slowly, grasping the gravity of the situation.

 

—How can you say that? It was I who seduced Nick, it was I who yelled at him, and it was thanks to my actions that my brother decided to sacrifice himself taking my place –Hephaistion’s voice trembled, full with intensity and emotion.

 

—If you have to blame someone then blame me –the King’s words took him aback—You fell in love with Nick because I didn’t have the balls to help you when you needed me the most. I couldn’t stand the look in your eyes, to talk to you unable to find the love you always felt for me. I left you and you sought solace in the only person who was there for you: Nick –the hipparch felt silent for a moment and Alexander took his hand—I know what you are thinking, as well as if I were hearing your thoughts. 

 

Hephaistion smiled without humor.

 

—And what do you hear? –he asked in a whisper.

 

— That all what I have said so far are pretexts and you are the ultimate culprit –the hipparch laughed.

 

— Sometimes is scary to see how well do you know me –he said—I…I don’t know…Maybe if Nick didn’t felt something for me, or I haven’t…—he sighed— This situation would be easier. 

 

— You mentioned that before, what do you mean?

 

Hephaistion vacillated, one thing was to talk about himself but, was it right to share with the King his brother’s secrets? One look at Alexander’s eyes reassured him, they were soul mates and he could trust the blond completely.

 

— Nick confessed he had loved me since I was a teenager –the hipparch explained—But he never said a word because he didn’t want to hurt me. He loved me in silence for years and he was fine until I messed everything up.

 

This truly was a day of staggering news. Who would have thought that Nikandros, the deflower of maidens and consummated womanizer, was in love and with his own brother? Not that the King blamed him, Hephaistion was very easy to love.

 

— You said you seduced Nick. Why do you say that? –the King knew his beloved, he used to exaggerate things and maybe this was just a misunderstanding, after all, if Nikandros was in love with him, how much encouragement would he need to bed his brother after Hephaistion said he liked him? This was even more embarrassing and the hipparch took a deep breath—I’m asking because I want to understand, but if you don’t want to tell me.... 

 

— It’s fine –his beloved cleared his throat—Lets say that I… climbed into his bed while he was sleeping and…em…well, teased him until…you know –by now Hephaistion’s face was burning and the 2 cute little red spots on Alexander’s face were threatening to show up at any moment.

 

I will have to ask for the details later –thought the King, trying his best to focus on the present problem.

 

—I…—the blond cleared his throat—I think I understand –was it just him or the room was suddenly hotter?— I know you are confused, but look inside you and tell me, what do you feel now that you have your memories back?

 

— Are you asking me if I still like my brother?

 

— Do you?

 

— Yes –said the hipparch, feeling his face so hot that he was sure it was glowing—My feelings aren’t like a lamp you can light up and extinguish at will. I never like Nick like a man but, while I didn’t have memory, for a short time, he wasn’t my brother and I learned to like him –he made a pause—I don’t know how to say this but…I liked being…with him –he felt like the ultimate pervert on the planet, the most hideous creature and, if he were a believer, he would seriously fear a thunder was going to strike him down.

 

—And you like Nick in the same way you liked… Memnon or Scipio?—he growled the names between his teeth.

 

—No, I mean yes, I mean… —Hephaistion bit his lip.

 

— Phai you are complicating this too much –said the King—Let’s pretend for a moment Nick is not your brother –he shrugged—He would be just another man who has a crush on you, maybe a friend like...Scipio –he pronounced the name with utmost hatred. 

 

— Maybe, but…—the hipparch made a pause—It doesn’t help me to think “what if…” It won’t change the fact that I slept with my mother’s and father’s older son.

 

— And? What do you feel now? –Alexander challenged him—Do you want him to die at the hands of the Scythians?

 

—Of course not!

 

— Why do you want to rescue him? –asked Alexander—So you can feel better?

 

—NO! I love my brother.

 

— And what is stronger? What you feel for your brother or what you felt for Nick as your lover?

 

That question left Hephaistion with his mouth opened and words frozen in the tip of his tongue. He hadn’t thought things like this, but now that Alexander mentioned it…

 

—I love my brother and I want him back –he said slowly— I want things to be as they were before.

 

— You have to understand something. Things would never be the same between you two and that’s why you are complicating this situation. You are clinging to something that is not anymore –said the King, holding his gaze—Nick would never be just your brother anymore but I don’t see why you can’t learn to live with it, I don’t see why Nick can be your friend. You love your brother as your brother and that is what counts. What happened happened and we can’t change it. What I want you to understand is that this is NOT your fault and if you enjoyed sleeping with your brother that doesn’t make you a bad person.

 

Hephaistion embraced him with force.

 

— Thank you –he whispered against his hair.

 

It was hard to explain but, to hear these words coming from a person so dear for him, meant the difference between his sanity and completely losing his mind. Alexander was right, he would have to learn to life with this but what it was truly important was not the fact that he had slept with Nikandros but that he loved him.

 

XXX

 

The King waited until his beloved went to sleep and then, he joined the rescue party. They had orders to wait for Alexander and the Ilai of 50 men were ready near the camp’s gates. The King wasn’t going to allow Hephaistion to take part in this mission but knowing how important was for his hipparch to see his brother again, he would go personally to bring the lochagos back.  

 

Phai needs to talk to Nick and solve this situation, but, if Nick dies… —Alexander clenched his jaw—Phai would never forgive himself…

 

XXX