Warning: Again, beware of the incest, and also this is an –M– Chapter.

 

CHAPTER 159

 

A Letter from Emperor Hadrian to Marcus Aurelius

137 Rome

 

“I dream of an army trained to maintain order on frontiers less extended, if necessary, but secure. Every new increase in the vast imperial organism seemed to me an unsound growth, like a cancer or dropsical edema which would eventually cause our death. Not one of these ideas could be presented to the emperor. He had reached that moment in life, different from each one of us, when a man abandons himself to his demons or to his genius, following a mysterious law which bids him either to destroy or to outdo himself.

 

[…] Unfortunately these dreams had beauty. This fascination, to which the elderly emperor [Trajan] was yielding as if entranced, had lured Alexander before him. That prince had almost made a reality of these same dreams, and had died because of them at thirty. But the gravest danger in these mighty projects lay still more in their apparent soundness for justification of the absurd and for being carried away by the impossible.” (1)

 

-o-o-o-

 

What Hephaistion heard from Alexander had opened his eyes. Now that he had no memory he had been able to see another side of his dear ones, just as the blind man has a privilege hearing to compensate, the lack of knowledge about the people around him had sharpened his other senses and had made him able to notice things that his old self, overwhelmed by knowledge and familiarity, would have never seen.

 

He couldn’t believe what a fool he had been. When he confronted his brother, nights ago, he was armed only with a hunch, a very strong hunch based on what he had seen, and a little voice telling him from deep inside that there was something more hidden in Nikandros’ heart. The hipparch had spent nights thinking over and over again about that night, recalling word by word everything he had said to his brother, his remorse was so heavy, after insulting him, that it threatened to crush him under tons of guilt. He truly considered he was wrong and had tried to talk to the lochagos to apologize, but his brother refused to talk, even worst, he didn’t even want to be in the same room alone with him.

 

But the King’s words had made him see, with all certainty, that his hunch was undeniable true and because it was true, his brother was so angry. 

 

Hephaistion knew Nikandros wouldn’t be in his tent, lately, he almost never slept there so he went to look for him at his friend’s, Kleopatros, place. He heard laughs and a very bad, though very funny, drunken singing; they were having a great time inside, and above the rest of the noise, he heard his brother’s voice. The hipparch stepped inside and found the lochagos with his friends and subordinates, drinking and laughing while playing dice. Whoever saw them in those moments would think they were in a pleasure trip not in a military camp.

 

- NICK! –Hephaistion raised his voice to be heard over the noise and, at once, every head turned in his direction. Kleopatros, and 2 more of the men there, whistled at him like a pack of wolfs in mating season. They were drunk, that was obvious enough, and had always liked their superior officer, only their hard discipline had stopped them from openly staring at him while they rode, watching his magnificent hair, like liquid silk, dancing at the winds mercy, the perfect combination to his tall and firm body.

 

- What?! –asked his brother, leaning his weight back on the chair and making it rest on it’s rear legs. He had been drinking, yes, but he wasn’t drunk.

 

It took the hipparch just one second to think how to answer that question. If he said the very obvious “I need to talk to you” His brother would send him to say hello to Hades in the underworld.

 

- Cleonicus came to pay the money he owed you –he lied.

 

- Bloody bastard! He took his time! –cursed the lochagos, stretching his arm in his brother’s direction—Give it to me.

 

- He doesn’t want to leave the money with me, he is waiting for you at the tent –Nikandros cursed again, and reluctantly, stood up.

 

- I’ll come back in a moment –the lochagos emptied his cup—And don’t forget I was wining –the answer were several protests and bad words reminding him of his mother, but Nikandros just laughed and left. He didn’t see when the group stretched their necks to admire Hephaistion’s back and mankind’s most outstanding butt. 

 

XXX

 

- Where is Cleonicus? –asked Nikandros, looking for the man inside his tent.

 

Hephaistion, standing in front of the tent’s entrance, crossed his arms and looked at him seriously; the only thing missing was a massive axe and would have looked like an executioner ready to strike.

 

- Nowhere, I lied to you –he said and the lochagos looked at him without understanding.

 

- Wha…Why would you do that?

 

- Because we need to talk and I was sure that, if I said so, you would refuse, just as you have done lately –said the hipparch, trying to hold his brother’s gaze but the lochagos refused to meet his eyes. 

 

Nikandros said nothing. He had feared this moment, even if he knew that sooner or later he would have to face his brother, he had truly hoped to do it more later than sooner, besides, the prospect of speaking to him after being drinking didn’t help to ease his nervousness. Last time he had been drinking near Hephaistion he had ended proposing to perform a very hot foreplay scene in the middle of a banquet and had almost kissed him.

 

- At least can we do this tomorrow? We were playing dice at Kleopatros’ tent and I have the hunch this is my lucky night –he asked, resting importance to the matter, crossing his arms behind his head.

 

- No –Hephaistion’s answer was clear and blunt—We’ll do this now.

 

- Phai, you are acting like a woman –the lochagos dropped his arms and sat down on the nearest couch, shaking his head with his usual relax and carefree demeanor—Men don’t talk, we do.

 

- Really? –the hipparch sat down at his side and Nikandros used all his self control to stop himself from moving away. He didn’t fancy the idea of being so close to his brother in the present circumstances—“Men do” or we just ran away?

 

- What are you talking about? –the lochagos sighed, looking almost bored.

 

- I was talking to Alexander and he made me see something about you –said Hephaistion, going straight to the point before his brother decided to stand up and leave, as he used to do—You do like me.

 

- Again with this bullshit! Phai, if this all you want to talk about, I’ll…

 

- You what? You are leaving? Running away again? –the hippach faced him, raising his voice—You brag too much about what is to “be a man” so be one now and answer me. Do you like me? 

 

- Why do you want to know? –Nikandros was starting to get angry, he didn’t like to be questioned and lest of all, to be pressed with something so difficult for him.

 

The lochagos was through and through a man of his era, that is, not used to be in touch with his feelings and face his darkest secrets. No one likes to confront his demons, we like better to ignore them, leave them in the darkest corner of our heart; we use to think we are the only ones with a dark secret, sometimes feeling like monsters and therefore we keep silence. We don’t want to be different and Hephaistion didn’t understand what he was doing, he wanted to drag his inner demon to the light for all to see and ridicule.    

 

- Don’t answer me with another question –said the hipparch.  

 

- I won’t answer you at all until you tell me, why are you doing this? What do you want for me? Why is so important for you to know? What can you possible gain? –the lochagos questions had sensed but Hephaistion was ready for this.

 

- I want to know because I like you and I want to be with you –Nikandros snorted.

 

- Phai, you don’t know what you are saying…

 

- I can’t remember my past that doesn’t mean I’m crazy.

 

The lochagos took a moment to think and calm down the savage beating of his heart.

 

- You are my brother, the son of my mother and my father, and, as if this wasn’t enough, I have seen you for 14 years at Alexander’s side. I KNOW you like, desire and love Alexander, he makes you happy, and, I understand that, whatever you are feeling now, is not real –said Nikandros, slowly. He knew his brother and he wasn’t going to drop this until he got a satisfactory answer—Think for a moment, what is going to happen when you get your memory back? Have you considered that? Try to understand me for a moment, I don’t want to hurt you and make you unhappy. So far you and me have always been friends, you always come to me when you have a problem and I don’t want to change that for a night of passion.  

 

Hephaistion had asked for an answer but this was certainly the last thing he had hoped to hear. His brother had a point but, he wasn’t asking for a night of passion, he wanted something more, but how could he explain it?

 

- Nick, even if I can’t remember you I do care for you and I…I think I love you –now Nikandros was sure he was going to suffer a heart attack. Of all the things he thought would kill him, a heart attack was the last one, just below being crush under an elephant, which, under the orders of their enterprising King, was much more likely.

 

- Of course you love me! You are my freaking brother, do I have to spell it for you?

 

- Let me talk –asked the hipparch.

 

The lochagos sighed.

 

- Go ahead.

 

- When I am with you I feel…something, I don’t know how to explain it –Hephaistion fell silent for a moment—You make me a better person and you make me happy.

 

Something here is amiss –thought Nikandros, and he wasn’t just thinking in the fact that this was his brother. What the hipparch was saying was exactly what he used to say about Alexander. Could it be? The lochagos was no expert in love affair, at least not in true love affairs, but he was starting to have an idea of what was wrong.

 

- You are confuse…

 

- STOP TELLING ME THAT! –Hephaistion shouted—I’m sick of hearing that, sick of being treated like a mad man or an invalid. I know what I feel, even if I can’t remember I have this…feeling inside me, something I can’t explain, and I know that what I feel for you is real...and I…Sometimes I feel I’m going crazy. 

 

Definitely something was very amiss. Now Nikandros was sure that his hunch was right, as corny as it sounded, his brother loved Alexander so much that he couldn’t forget that love, his heart refused to forget, but his mind couldn’t recall the face of the person he loved and thought it was him. Why? Because he loved him too, care about him and made him feel safe.

 

What a problem –thought the lochagos. He couldn’t keep saying he was confused, even if it was true, because that wasn’t going to help and would risk truly driving his poor brother mad. Hephaistion was scared of the unknown because absolutely everything was new for him and he longed to feel something familiar, and that was what his brother gave him. Since they shared the same blood, being with his brother was a way of finding himself, something Hephaistion wanted desperately to know: his true self.

 

Nikandros had to take things slowly, and maybe talk to Alexander again.

 

- You asked me why I insist so much that you like me –the hipparch continued in a soft voice—Its because I feel lost and…scared, and I need you.

 

Nikandros fell silent for so long that Hephaistion started to think he was going to stand up and leave at any moment. The lochagos had known, since his brother was a teenager, that the entire kingdom, even their enemies, desired him, more than one would gladly give their right arm just to spend one night with him, and he understood all this better than any big brother should, but, could this be happening because, at some point, he had stopped thinking of Hephaistion as ‘his brother’ to think of him as a creature of unearthly beauty? Or was it because he was his brother that he was the only person in the world who could understand Nikandros?

 

Whatever the reason the lochagos wasn’t a cat in heat, the fact that he liked Hephaistion, or even loved him, didn’t mean he couldn’t control himself, that he would jump on him one day and take what he wanted.

 

His wasn’t an obsession, he liked Hephaistion in the same way a girl in the XXI Century likes a rock star, from a far, knowing he would never be hers, without feeling jealousy and happy with something as simple as being at his side. Nikandros had never asked for more, he didn’t want more. He had hopped to forget this unnatural feeling with time, but it never happened so he just get used to it and vowed never to say a word about this.

 

But, one thing was to know he had no hope and no future at his brother’s side, and another completely different to have the hipparch behind him claiming that he loved him and wanted to be with him. This was a temptation so great that it had awoken something he had struggled long, long ago to kill: the possibility, the hope, that what his dark side had always wanted could become true.

 

- Phai…—Nikandros wasn’t looking at him, his eyes where on the wooden floor of his tent—I like you, and I have liked you since you were a teenager, but I never said or…did something because I don’t want to hurt you, or mom, and...As I said, nothing good would come out of this and I don’t want to ruin your life and our friendship. But… —he sighed, his hands were shaking so badly that he clenched them—Well, you can think whatever you want of me…I-I know I’m sick for feeling this for you, but…You are not only striking Phai, you are smart, freaking hot and you care about me and…—he puffed his cheeks out, speaking aloud words that were never meant to be said—You and me have something that no one can take from us, we shared the same blood and that’s what makes you so special for me… 

 

- You should have told me –said the hipparch and, this time, Nikandros turned to look at him. He had expected to find repulsion in his dark gray eyes, he had always imagined what could happen when someone found out, people would look at him and see only a wicked creature. But, instead, he found love—This was difficult for you and…I’m sure I would have understood.

 

The lochagos smiled sadly.

 

- I don’t think so, or…perhaps, I don’t know –Hephaistion embraced him, his arms around his neck and his body pressed against his brother’s—Phai, why do you make this so difficult for me? Why do you torture me?

 

Nikandros took him by the waist, he wanted to push him back but found himself unable to do it.

 

- I want you to be happy –whispered the hipparch.

 

- I am –answered his brother—I finally found a woman that can make me happy and I have 2 daughters…Trust me, I was fine until…

 

- Until what? –asked Hephaistion in a sleepy tone that had his brother’s body tense with desire.

 

- Until you said you like me. You are a temptation too great to resist –the lochagos admitted—Do you know how I think of you?

 

- Mm?

 

- Like an oasis found by a man who had weeks lost in the desert. It’s hard to resist you, you know?

 

- Then…don’t resist –Hephaistion undulated his body against his brother and then Nikandros pushed him away with force, almost making him fall from the couch.

 

- Don’t do that EVER again! Do you hear me? –the lochagos was angry—You wanted an answer, you have it, now leave me alone.

 

And with that Nikandros went to his own room.

 

I ruined it…again –thought the hipparch, crestfallen.

 

XXX

 

Ptolemy sent a message to Alexander letting him know that Bessus was in his hands now, Spitamenes had kept his word and handed the rebellious satrap without incidents, but now the Macedonian commander wasn’t sure what to do with his prisoner, and he asked his King for instructions. Alexander’s answer was simple and specific, the so-called Artaxerxes IV was going to be “placed by the roadside where Alexander and his troops would pass, naked, bound to a post, and with a slave’s wooden collar round his neck”(2)

 

It was quite a spectacle and Hephaistion watched the prisoner for a long time, from his privilege position on his horse, thinking how a man’s fate could change so drastically in such a short time. He had heard that Bessus was a satrap, was kinsmen of the late Great King, for a brief time had been Great King himself, but…Now he was nothing. The hipparch saw Alexander stepping down from his chariot and approaching his prisoner.

 

Bessus tried to preserve some sort of dignity, even in that humiliating situation, but found himself unable to hold the King’s gaze and had to lower his eyes like a common servant. In a way Alexander’s eyes were like the sun, you couldn’t watch him for long because their light were too intense. The Macedonian King watched his prisoner for a long moment with his piercing eyes, making him felt even more uncomfortable, and didn’t stop doing so until Achilles joined him.

 

- Speak! Why did you enchain and then slain Darius, your King, kinsman and benefactor? (3)–asked the King in Greek, waiting for his Prince to translate. He wanted everybody to hear and understand his words, both, his troops and the Persians accompanying him.  

 

- It was a joint decision –answered Bessus—To win your favor and save our lives (4)

 

- “My favor” –Alexander repeated with contempt—I’ll show you exactly how much I appreciate what you did.

 

The King gave orders to scourged Bessus and then, he sent the prisoner back to the city of Zariaspa to stand a trial for regicide. If he was found guilty, which was exactly what was going to happen, his nose and ears would be cut off and he would be publicly executed at Ecbatana. For the Persians’ expressions it was hard to know what were they thinking, the only one who looked openly glad knowing what fate awaited Bessus, was Darius’ brother, Oxyathres. He could have disagreed with Darius many times, but he loved his brother and he was truly pleased with Alexander’s decision.

 

XXX

 

- What do you think of Bessus? –asked Alexander, once he and Hephaistion were alone in the royal tent. Just as the King had promised his beloved was once again at the front of the hetairoi cavalry but Nikandros was helping him, even if this had only served to make both brothers miserable.

 

Since the night they talked, the lochagos only saw with his brother when it was necessary. This was something Nikandros had always feared and the main reason why he never said a word, he didn’t want to ruin the relationship between the 2 of them but he didn’t trust Hephaistion or what he could do if his brother kept flirting with him. 

 

But not everything was lost, the hipparch now spent more time with the King and Alexander had to admit that it had been a mistake to have his beloved resting for such a long time, Hephaistion looked much better now that he had something to do, more like his old self.

 

- You did what you have to do –answered Hephaistion—But I’m not sure of what are the Persian nobles thinking.

 

- What do you mean? Bessus killed their King, and he is treated like the regicide he is –said Alexander but his beloved shook his head.

 

- Alex, Bessus is a Persian noble, he was a kinsmen of the Great King, and not all the Persian nobles were fond of Darius. I bet you that right now, more than one noble is asking himself if, in the case they displease you, you would treat them as you treated Bessus –the hipparch explained—I’m not saying that you are wrong, just that you should be careful

 

The King nodded.

 

- I know –he sighed—Is just that…These people are so difficult to understand.

 

Hephaistion smiled.

 

- They are different, that’s all –he made a pause—So, tell me, what are we going to do now?

 

- Well, Spitamenes proved to be an allied so I take Sogdhiana won’t be a problem in the future –said Alexander—We’ll go north, to Maracanda.

 

His beloved nodded.

 

- Alex, listen, do you have time now? There is something I want to tell you –he said and the King felt his heart beating faster.

 

- Yes, of course. I always have time for you –he said, sweetening his voice—What happened?

 

- Well, this a little difficult to explain –said Hephaistion, increasing the King’s interest—I know that maybe its not the right time, but…

 

- No, no, no, it’s all right, you can tell me anything –his beloved smiled.

 

- Thank you, this is really difficult since I don’t remember doing something like this before but –the hipparch turned to see him—The cavalry hasn’t sufficient horses and I was wondering if you could do something about it.

 

That broke the King’s illusions; he had truly expected to hear something completely different.

 

-Oh!…I see.

 

- Many horses didn’t survive the march through the desert and we really need to do something.

 

- Don’t worry Phai, I’ll see to it.

 

- Thank you –then Hephaistion’s eyes settled in something he had never noticed before. He stretched his arm and took Alexander’s locket, hanging around his neck as always—You know? I have a locket exactly like this –he touched his own with his free hand. 

 

- I know –Alexander smiled—I gave that one to you, it has a lock of my hair inside.

 

- And…—his beloved caressed the King’s locket with his thumb—Did I gave you this one?

 

- Yes my love, it has a lock of your hair inside –Alexander took Hephaistion’s hand, caressing it tenderly. This time Hephaistion didn’t move away, he enjoyed the King’s touch, it warmed his heart and took away his anxiety; and this encouraged Alexander to move closer, until their lips were only inches away—Phai…I really want to kiss you –he whispered softly and the hipparch’s heart beat with force, he could feel his face blushing.

 

- All right –Hephaistion agreed, he closed his eyes and just when he thought the King would kiss his lips, Alexander kissed the back of his hand with devotion. His beloved blushed even more and laughed nervously without noise—You know? I thought you meant…—but he never finished that, the King trapped his lips in a tender, slow, soft and loving kiss that made his soul shudder.

 

Alexander moved away, not wanting to rush things but his hipparch didn’t let him, he kissed him again, embracing him and moaning softly when the King surrounded his waist. Alexander felt his body burning while devouring his lips, kissing him with urgency, letting Hephaistion know how much he loved him and had missed him. He caressed the skin behind his ears and was rewarded by a symphony of moans and sighs that made his whole body trembled and tensed with unsatisfied desire. 

 

Hephaistion pressed himself against Alexander, and the blond felt exactly how aroused was his beloved. He felt obliged to ask if the hipparch was sure about this, but, when his beloved rocked his hips against him, the King was lost. He threw Hephaistion backwards on the couch they were sharing and his beloved spread his legs for him.  

 

- Dear Zeus! You are so beautiful –the King whispered against his lips and his beloved smiled.

 

- Mm…What are you waiting? Are you planning to leave like this all day? –Hephaistion’s voice was like silk, soft and incredible sensual, he spoke in a tone he had never used in his entire life, sleepy and innocent, dragging the words, almost purring, and he captivated Alexander completely. The hipparch had always been hot as hell, but now he was the incarnation of all the King’s fantasies—Or maybe you want me to help you? 

 

Alexander forgot for a moment how to talk. Hephaistion smiled, licked 2 of his fingers, slowly, taking his time to admire the King’s expression of complete adoration and lust while watching his mouth invaded like that. Alexander moaned loudly when his beloved ran his now wet hand up and down his length. It was so delicious!

 

- Phai…Mm…stop…or… —the blond panted and Hephaistion obeyed. The King let his instincts control his body, he took his beloved by the thighs and thrust inside him, watching that beautiful creature arched, moan, scream and sigh. It was a sight he had greatly missed. 

 

His beloved clung to him with desperation, burying his nails on his back. The smell of the King’s skin filled the hipparch’s nostrils and that smell awaken something in him. He knew it. He felt so many things at the same time that thought of himself like a feather at the mercy of the all powerful wind; his memories where there, he could feel it, nearer than never before, if only he could reach them. It was a sensation similar than when you have a word in the tip of the tongue, and no mattered how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember.

 

He abandoned himself completely to his own emotions, rocking his hips to match his lover’s rhythm, moaning without restrictions, torn between his body’s pleasure and the turmoil in his mind. Hephaistion knew he had done this before, suddenly, Alexander’s touch, his body, his kisses, everything was familiar but at the same time unknown. Just a little more and maybe, he could grasp his memories. At each thrust he felt his body disappearing under waves of pleasure, as if his flesh and bones were gone and he were only a liquid substance of pure desire, it was intoxicating, addictive and it took them a while to be fully satiated.

 

For long moments, Alexander lay over his beloved, both panting and utterly exhausted.

 

- I… wasn’t expecting… this… –said a very content King. He was so happy that he looked like a child on his birthday. 

 

- Me neither –said Hephaistion, his hand on his forehead and his eyes on the ceiling. He felt strange, happy and sad, full and empty, but the strongest feeling was that of abandonment. His memories had abandoned him at the end.

 

Alexander kissed his chest and felt his beloved’s body shudder when he brushed his nipple.

 

- Are you still aroused? –the King teased him, caressing again his nipple again with his lips, but Hephaistion pushed him away and sat down. He wasn’t in the mood anymore. 

 

- I think…I have to go –it took Alexander a moment to understand what had he just said. This was not supposed to happen.

 

- What?! Why? I thought you were going to stay, you…—the King bit his tongue before saying: “you always spend the night with me” He took a deep breath and counted to 10—Did I do something wrong? 

 

- No! –exclaimed Hephaistion, louder than he had intended—I mean… No, you did nothing, but I want to be alone. 

 

Alexander was going to argue but then, he thought things better and closed his mouth. Knowing his beloved as he did, he would gain nothing by pestering him.

 

- Fine –the King nodded and stood up.

 

- Alex, I didn’t mean to…—but Alexander left. One thing was that he wasn’t going to force his beloved to accept him, but another very different was to smile and act as if everything were fine.

 

XXX

 

(1) Marguerite Yourcenar. Memoirs of Hadrian, p 78

(2), (3) and (4) Peter Green. Alexander of Macedon, p 355