CHAPTER 157

 

Hephaistion spent all day with Nikandros. He liked to be with him more than ever before because, even if he couldn’t remember anything, he felt comfortable at his side; his older brother gave him a sense of familiarity that he longed to feel again. It was frightening when absolutely everything was new and unknown, his existence felt empty and meaningless, he was like a tree without roots, at the winds mercy, fearing that at any moment he would be torn from his place.

 

The hipparch needed to cling to something, feel that he belong somewhere. He was so lost, with so many doubts, so many things troubling him, and, since Alexander hadn’t been there for him, his brother had become his pillar, the only person with whom he could be completely honest and the only one he could trust. Hephaistion didn’t believe what people told him, after all that had happened with his alleged “lovers” nobody could blame him, unless Nikandros said it was true.

 

At first his brother hadn’t taken his new status seriously, but, when he noticed the hipparch’s dependence on him, like a child with his mother, he had started to behave like a responsible adult. 

 

Both brothers rode almost all morning and the lochagos saw with surprise that his brother hadn’t forgotten how to mount, he was as good as ever, moving with his usual grace and elegance. This was truly a mysterious sickness, how was that Hephaistion forgot about his life but remembered how to write, read or mount?

 

It was late that night and Alexander hadn’t showed up in Nikandros’ house. The hipparch was staying with him since he thought it easier this way to take better care of Hephaistion; and the lochagos was trying to sleep, wondering about his brother’s malady and thinking very seriously that maybe he was under the power of a spell, because he truly had to other explanation for this, when someone knocked the door.

 

Nikandros rolled on his bed.

 

- It’s open –Hephaistion appeared, barefoot and wearing only his sleeping tunic, his hair loose falling like a cascade of silkiness through his shoulders—What’s wrong? –asked the lochagos, sitting on his bed. 

 

- Nothing, I just want to talk to you –was Hephaistion’s simple explanation.  

 

- Fine –the hipparch climbed into bed, laid at his brother’s side, making himself comfortable, and covered himself with the blankets. Nikandros smiled—What are you doing?

 

- I don’t want to be alone –answered Hephaistion and, in those moments, he sounded like a child suffering from a nightmare. 

 

- Fine –Nikandros sighed and leaned back again. The hippach moved closer, cuddling against him and embracing his brother’s arm, just like Achilles used to hug his pillow when he was scared—What do you want to talk about? 

 

- Why can’t I remember anything? –Hephaistion whispered, he sounded so fragile and vulnerable that his brother needed a moment to come out from his shock.

 

- I truly have no idea, Phai –the lochagos answered in an unusual tender tone, but again, everything in this situation was usual. In a way he felt responsible for Hephaistion, they didn’t have a father anymore and, as his older brother, it was his responsibility to look after him—But I’m sure you’ll be fine, you just need time.

 

- How can you be so sure?

 

- Because you are the strongest man I have ever met –Nikandros had never admitted that aloud but, what the hell? And his brother needed all the comfort he could get—And I’m saying it, so shut up.  

 

Hephaistion smiled. He felt safe at Nikandros’ side and he always made him laugh. He felt depressed all the time and this was exactly what he needed. 

 

- I like you, Nick –he said softly—I wish I could remember you but…it’s so strange, there is only a disturbing emptiness in my head and it’s, I don’t know how to explain it, …I mean…I can mount, I like to mount, but I can’t remember doing it before –he made a pause—What would happen if I never remember?  

 

- You know? This has always being your problem, you think too much –his brother was trying to make him feel better but his words only served to depress the hipparch even more.

 

- ‘Always being my problem’…You don’t know how frustrating is to be unable to remember this like that, something as simple as what I like –he sounded as if he were about to cry.

 

Nikandros turned, resting on his side to face him.

 

- Phai listen to me, you are going to be fine, you can’t give up hope or then we truly be screwed –he said—Trust me, we’ll find a way to fix you –he ruffled his hair and Hephaistion nodded. They fell silent.

 

- Nick.

 

- Mm?

 

- Who is the King? –that made his brother laugh amused.

 

- You mean, who is he for you?

 

- Yes, why does he act as if he owed me? I’m not his slave, am I? –Hephaistion asked alarmed and Nikandros laughed even more.

 

- Not literally.

 

- What do you mean?

 

- I truly think I’m the worst person to explain this to you but…—Nikandros took a moment to choose his words—Well, it’s late and I don’t think Alexander is coming tonight, anyway –he held his brother’s gaze in the darkness—Alexander is your lover.

 

- He says he is my lover or he truly is my lover? –Hephaistion asked skeptical.

 

- He truly is your lover.

 

- Why?

 

- How should I know…probably the sex is good but you never gave me details, so I have no idea –said the lochagos.

 

- But…I don’t understand, if he is my lover, why he never comes to see me? Why did he yell at me as if everything it’s happening were my fault? –he desperately wanted to understand. 

 

- Phai, really, I don’t know –he sighed—See? This is precisely why I didn’t want to explain this to you.

 

They fell silent again.

 

Hephaistion slid his fingers over the lochagos’ abdomen, he surrounded his waist and rested his head against his chest. Such a tender and intimate touch took Nikandros aback because it was exactly the kind of touch you expected from a lover, not from your brother in the middle of a crisis questioning his own existence.

 

- It’s strange…—the hipparch whispered softly.

 

- What? –Nikandros was starting to panic. This version of Hephaistion looked like him but didn’t act like him at all.

 

- I don’t feel you are my brother –said the hipparch and the lochagos felt his mouth suddenly dry—Yes, we are alike but…

 

Someone knocked the door and Nikandros thanked all the Gods for the interruption.

 

- What?

 

- The King is here –answered one of the royal pages from the other side.

 

- We are coming! –Nikandros turned to look at his brother—Get dress, we can’t leave your lover waiting –he said, stressing the part of “ your lover”.

 

XXX

 

This was more difficult than Alexander had expected. He was there, in front of his beloved, a man he had known for 14 years but felt that the person sitting there was a complete stranger. His eyes, those dark gray eyes he loved so much, had a strange look and could recognize them anymore.

 

The King knew he had to do this, for days he had longed to see his beloved, his soul aching to be with him, but, even if he didn’t want to admit it, he was scared of what could happen. Hephaistion was everything to him, every time they were apart he felt as if his whole world was about to crumble, lost and incomplete. But now, now things were even worst than if his beloved were just at the Persians camp, or kidnapped by Memnon, or at the other side of the Mediterranean in Carthage, this was worst because he didn’t know how to find him and bring him back.  

 

- Nick told me you are my lover –said Hephaistion bluntly, talking with the same emotion he would show if his brother had said Alexander was his baker or the blacksmith.

 

- What do you think of that?

 

- I find this hard to believe –that was an answer the King wasn’t expecting.

 

- Why not?

 

- You don’t treat me like your lover –the hipparch explained—Leon and Perdikkas come to see me daily, for example, and they said they are my friends and they do behave like friends, but you…You never come, and every time you see me you are always angry. Why?

 

Alexander held his breath for a moment. Thinking hard how to put in words his inner turmoil.

 

- Phai…I love you –he said with intensity, speaking from the bottom of his heart—I love you more than anything, can you imagine how I feel knowing that you forget about me? 

 

- And how do you think I feel unable to remember something as simple as if I like milk or not? –Hephaistion’s voice was hard—You are blaming me for this. You say you love me but you are only thinking about you: how do YOU feel and how difficult this is for YOU. And what about me?

 

He was right. Alexander knew his beloved was right but, he didn’t know how to act before this, he had panicked. Yes! The all mighty King of Macedonia had panicked and he couldn’t face Hephaistion knowing that he was a stranger to him.

 

- I’m sorry –the King apologized from the bottom of his heart—You are right, and I’m sorry, but…I don’t know how to deal with this, how could anyone? You have been with me since we were 13 years old and I feel lost without you.

 

Hephaistion nodded slowly.

 

- I understand that, but, maybe, if I’m so important for you, you can start spending some time with me –he said—There are many things I want to know and maybe you are the right person to explain them to me.

 

Alexander smiled, his first sincere smile in days.

 

- I would love to.

 

XXX

 

Even if Alexander wished to stay longer in Zariaspa, to take care of his beloved, it wasn’t possible, Bessus wasn’t still on the run and he had to hurry to Sogdhiana. Again they would face a very hard march, this time, through a terrible desert. After the cold now they would endure a merciless heat. It was become like a constant in this campaign: first to endure the cold and then hot endless days with scarce water. But, this time, nothing prepared the Macedonians for the trial in front of them, this desert was like nothing they had faced before. 

 

“The sand burned through [the] boots and a breath of wind from the burning hot drift-sand hills struck the face like flames from a fire. Gun barrels and all metallic objects were heated to such a degree that they could not be touched and even the water of the [Oxus River] was heated in July and August to 28ºC. The fine dust particles are everywhere, and in connection with the heat and the drought it occasions a terrible thirst which is not easily satisfied”(1) 

 

It was June by the time the Macedonian army reached the Oxus River after the inhuman marched through the desert. The water wasn’t too hot, it was possible to drink it or to bath in it, but it wasn’t refreshingly cold either. Bessus had indeed being very cunning choosing to hide behind this river because it was also difficult to cross, too broad and too deep and there wasn’t sufficient trees nearby to built a bridge.

 

Alexander had barely slept during the march, he was not short of worries: the lacked of water, the heavy number of casualties, the cases of blindness thanks to the intense sunlight reflected on the sad, Hephaistion’s condition and Achilles. When the King heard from his local guides that he would have to cross the desert, he seriously thought in leaving his son behind, but he dismissed the idea when he saw there weren’t enough men to assure his security.  

 

Besides, to leave Achilles at Bactria would mean leaving him in the hands of the grandfather of his bastard son. He trusted Artabazus but didn’t want to put his loyalty to the test, giving the opportunity only the Gods knew what could the old man do.

 

And so Alexander saw with horror, not only how his men died from dehydration, but also how his Prince suffered greatly. The place was so dry that they had to rub the boy’s skin with oil 3 times a day or his skin would sore until it break and bleed. The dust proved to be fatal for him and Achilles had to travel with a cloth over his face all the time. 

 

Even if Hephaistion didn’t remember his son he was very fond of the Prince, and he took care of him during his crises. Nikandros was appointed by the King as the provisional commander of the hetairoi cavalry, until his brother recovered, and thanks to this the hipparch had more than enough time to watch over his son. 

 

- Do you always make your men march under this charming conditions? –asked Hephaistion, sweating and panting, when they stopped to rest at the Oxus River. Nobody understood why, but the hipparch remembered perfectly how to fight, something that helped to ease the nervousness of the King. At least his beloved wasn’t a defenseless child in case something happened.

 

Alexander, squatting and drinking water at the side of the river, chuckled and turned to look at him.

 

- You would be surprised of what are my men capable of –he stood up—I have the best troops in the world. 

 

Hephaistion smiled.

 

- You are very arrogant –he cleaned the sweat from his forehead, his hair against his skin, attached at the back of his neck. It was so hot! And after days in the desert he was dying to take a bath. 

 

He turned sideways and saw that he wasn’t the only one who had thought about this, several men had stripped off their armors and were swimming in the river. He turned to look at the water surface and thought: ‘why not?’

 

The hipparch untied his cloths at the shoulder and started to slide his chiton down, slowly, and his creamy skin beaded in sweat under the sun caught the King’s attention immediately. Alexander looked at him like an idiot, following each one of his movements as if he were hypnotized, his fingertips throbbing, asking to touch that skin again. It had been weeks since the last time they made love and he missed his beloved’s body in the same way a thirsty man missed water.

 

The King spent now everyday with his beloved, talking to him, but Hephaistion hadn’t remember anything and didn’t give signs of even liking him, which was not only maddening but also frustrating. When Alexander remembered how to close his mouth, he looked around, they were alone, so he approached the hipparch.

 

Hephaistion looked at him with curiosity, his chiton hanging at his hips, not knowing what he wanted, and the King took him by the hips. Alexander’s body shuddered at their first physical contact after so long, how he missed this creamy skin against his own.

 

- What? –asked the hipparch.

 

As an answered the King slid his hands up and down his sides, slowly, caressing him with care while Alexander moved closer.

 

- You are so beautiful, my love –whispered the blond, so close that Hephaistion could feel the heat irradiating from his body as if he were standing in front of a brazier. The King ran his fingers over his hipparch’s skin, pulling the chiton down to leave him completely naked; he took his hands to his butt, his palms over his round softness and was ready to kiss him, but his beloved stopped him, taking his wrists with force and averting his head. 

 

- I don’t want to do this –said Hephaistion. There wasn’t the slightest doubt in his voice and that puzzled the King.

 

- Why not? You are my lover. 

 

- So you keep saying –answered Hephaistion, speaking more harshly than he had intended—Listen Alexander, I’m truly sorry but…I don’t feel anything for you.

 

It would have been more merciful to pierce the King’s heart with a spear than to hear these words from the person he loved the most. The blond looked at him in utterly shock.

 

- Why not? I have spent hours telling you about us, how can you possible say this?

 

- Alexander…

 

- You use to call me Alex –the King interrupted him—When you use my full name I feel as if you were angry with me.

 

Hephaistion sighed. This was more complicated than he imagined.

 

- Alex, you have told me many beautiful things about us but, that doesn’t say anything to me –he explained—It’s like hearing the story of someone else.

 

- What do you want me to do then? Tell me! –the King demanded. The hipparch shook his head.

 

- I don’t know! –Hephaistion took both hands to his face, trying to arrange his thoughts. He looked at the blond again—Alex you are a good friend, but…

 

- I’m NOT your friend, Phai –he was starting to get angry—I’m your lover.

 

- But I don’t feel like that and I CAN’T remember –the hipparch picked up his cloths—I wish you could understand this –and with that he just left.

 

His life couldn’t possible be worst. Alexander shouted and cursed, and he was still reciting a long litany of all the most vulgar words he knew in Macedonian, when Krateros came running.

 

- We have a problem –said the taxiarch.

 

- Now what?!

 

- The Thessalians and the veterans mutinied.

 

The King was wrong, after all his life could be worst.

 

XXX

 

Nikandros was laughing and joking with his friend Kleopatros and 4 of his subordinates, that were more like his drinking companions than anything else, when they all fell silent. The men’s eyes settled on someone walking straight to them behind their lochagos, looking like owls and about to start salivating.

 

- Wow! –exclaimed one of them stupidly, as if Aphrodite were standing there in all her naked glory.

 

Nikandros frowned and turned to see what had caught their attention, finding his naked brother, holding his chiton in front of him and striding in his direction. He had to admit, not without envy, that Hephaistion was gorgeous.

 

- What are you doing here? –asked the lochagos, walking to him, and leaving behind his very aroused men—I thought you were with Alexander.

 

- I was, until he tried to kiss me –that made his brother laugh out loud.

 

- Of course he tried, he is your freaking lover –said Nikandros, while his brother put his cloths on again, and they could hear a general ‘Aw!’ of disappointment.

 

- Frankly, I don’t know why he was my lover –grumbled the hipparch.

 

- Why do you say that? –they started to walk, reaching a solitary place, hidden between 2 tall and thin trees.

 

- Nick, the only thing Alexander does is to talk all day about us –said Hephaistion—But…to tell you the truth I’m tired of that, he talks as if it were my obligation to know, speaking about people I don’t know and places that don’t tell me anything. I don’t want to keep hearing about my life, I want to remember! And he doesn’t understand me.

 

The lochagos scratched his head. It was in moments like this that he missed his sister the most.

 

- Phai, I get you point. Your lover is screwing things up and apparently he hadn’t noticed –said Nikandros—Let’s do something, forget for a second that he is your lover and about all the story you two have behind. What do you think of him?

 

Hephaistion crossed his arms and took a moment to think about this.

 

- I don’t know, I mean –he took a breath—He is fine but I don’t like the fact that he is always pressing me to remember, besides…

 

- Besides what?

 

- I like other person –he said a little shyly and this time Nikandros looked as surprised as if his brother had grown horns.

 

- You WHAT?! –this was almost as impossible as if the sky had turned suddenly purple—How? When? WHO?

 

The lochagos made an effort to think who had seduced Hephaistion, who had won the King’s beloved’s affection. And it was hard to find a culprit. Almost everybody, when they heard the hipparch had amnesia, had tried, first to trick him, and when that failed to seduce him, something that had also enraged their highly jealous King.    

 

- I think that’s obvious –said Hephaistion, averting his eyes.

 

- Oh! Please, tell me is not your friend Chrysaor –pleaded his brother.

 

- No! It’s…it’s you.

 

- Well, if is not Chrys…WHAT DID YOU SAY?! –exclaimed Nikandros befuddled, looking at him as if he were a monster that had just erupted from beneath the earth.

 

- It’s you, I like you.

 

- I’m your BROTHER! Do I have to spell it for you? –the lochagos felt, his heart beating so fast as if it were about to explode—You can’t like me, at least not in that…way…Are you out of your mind?! 

 

- Nick, I can’t remember you and you are the only with whom I feel more comfortable –Hephaistion explained—You make me laugh and always look after me.

 

- That’s because I’m your big brother –Nikandros explained—It’s my job to look after you.

 

The hipparch shook his head.

 

- I told you before, I don’t feel you are my brother.

 

This is Alexander’s fault –thought Nikandros—If he hadn’t screwed things up I wouldn’t be in this mess.

 

- Phai, listen…

 

But before he could say another word they heard a commotion not far from them.

 

- What’s that? –asked Hephaistion.

 

- I don’t know –the lochagos squinted his eyes, trying to see what was happening at the distance—Let’s have a look.

 

An with that Nikandros ran away from a very uncomfortable situation, even if he knew he would have to deal with this sooner or later.

 

XXX

 

To be kind, Alexander’s situation was complicated, or being a little more realistic, it was a catastrophe. That night, while his engineers thought in a way to make the whole army crossed the river Oxus without a bridge, the King mediated in the loneliness of his tent what could he do. The Thessalians, his best cavalry troops after the hetairoi cavalry, demanded to leave, they and his veterans, wanted to go back home, they were sick of this campaign, tired of hard marches and wanted to see their families again. And there was little he could do to stop them.

 

The Thessalians were still resentful after what had happened to Parmelio, who had been their General for many years, and the hard march through the desert had exhausted their patience. Alexander hit his desk, he would have to release them all and not only that, gave them their corresponding pay and bonuses.

 

This will leave me without good troops –thought the King, his uneven eyes settled on the wall of his tent—Without sufficient cavalry…And not only that –he turned to look at the report resting in front of him—I have lost more men to the desert and to my enemies –he sighed and rubbed his eyes—If only Hephaistion were with me…  

 

Someone knocked his door.

 

- What is it? –asked Alexander. The door opened and a page appeared.

 

- Sire, I’m very sorry for interrupting you at this hour –said the boy a little nervous, after all the King had been in a terrible mood lately—But one of your officers insist in talking to you.

 

- I don’t have time right now.

 

- Sire…He-he-he says is lochagos Nikandros and that needs to talk to you about hipparch Hephaistion –the page explained and Alexander’s expression changed immediately.

 

- Show him in.

 

The boy left and Nikandros appeared shortly after, he looked worried and that put the King on alert immediately.

 

- Take a seat, Nick. Did something happen to Phai? –asked Alexander.

 

- Yes, something happened, but don’t worry he is… fine, I guess –said the lochagos taking a seat. He was very nervous for 2 completely different reasons: first, he didn’t know how to explain what had happened with his brother and second, he had never talked to Alexander alone.

 

After Hephaistion, the only member of his family who had spend sometime with him was Berenike, Lysanias probably when he was his page, but Nikandros never, and he had no idea of how to address him, especially now that the King had been in a terrible mood.

 

 - Do you have wine by any chance? –maybe he could be nervous but he still had no manners, that and the fact that he drank more when he was under stress.

 

The King didn’t object, maybe for any other person he would have demanded an immediate answer, but Nikandros was Hephaistion’s brother, and they now were very much alike, more than they had never been, and that served to sweeten his temper. He called his page again and after his lochagos had emptied 2 cups he spoke again.

 

- Phai came to see me today after what…happened between you 2 –he explained at last.

 

- What did he say? –Alexander wanted to know.

 

- I’ll be very frank with you –said Nikandros, speaking very quickly—There is no easy way to explain this and I’m not good at this sentimental crap like Eni, so I’ll just say it and if you want to execute me after this, so be it –the King watched him, both, really confused and really intrigued while his lochagos took a deep breath—Whatever you are doing with my brother is not working, so you have to find a way to fix things out with him because now Phai is more confused than before and he says he LIKES ME. I don’t care what it takes but please, stop being an asshole and do something. 

 

Silence. Nikandros couldn’t believe he had said that and Alexander couldn’t assimilate what he had just heard.

 

- WHAT?! –the King exclaimed, it would have been easy to tell him cows could fly—Phai…likes you? How?

 

- I don’t know –answered the lochagos, feeling more comfortable when the guards didn’t appear from nowhere to put him under arrest— He told me you tried to kiss him and then Phai said he likes someone else, and SURPRISE! He says he likes me because he doesn’t feel I’m his brother –he shook his head—Honestly, I don’t know what to do.  

 

Alexander fell silent. Again he was in a very complicated situation, his beloved didn’t like him, that was bad, but now he claimed to like his own brother, which was the same as to see one his most hidden fantasies come true…

 

- I don’t know what to do either –he said with all honesty.

 

XXX

(1) Donald W. Engels. Alexander the Great and the Logistics of the Macedonian Army, p 101