CHAPTER 105

 

- You lost the letter?! –Krateros was furious. Since that night when Hephaistion had ran away he and Philotas had done nothing but argue, but this, this was more than the commander could tolerate.

 

- I’m sure that Hephaistion has it –the hipparch looked around the tavern to make sure that nobody was overhearing them.

 

- Which only makes this worst –hissed Krateros—We can’t continue with this, if the pretty-boy has the letter he would destroy it in the best case, or run to Alexander with it, and, as far as I remember that letter is addressed to you. I don’t know what are you doing to do…

 

- I? What am I going to do? Do I have to remember you that we are together in this? –Philotas was furious—Maybe that letter is addressed to me but if I fall I’ll take you with me –he pointed at him with his finger—You are a coward Krateros, so far I have been the only one with balls here to face this whole plan, you didn’t even want Hephaistion to see your face.

 

- And if you were a little more intelligent you would have done the same –said the commander—This isn’t a game, if Alexander knows about this…

 

- You fear him too much.

 

- And you too little! –Krateros raised his voice and for a moment a couple of men near them turned to see what was happening—Don’t try me, Philotas, and don’t threaten me, because I’m a very terrible enemy.

 

The hipparch curved his lips in contempt and emptied his cup of wine.

 

This whole thing was a mistake –thought Krateros, running a hand through his face. Philotas would betray him in the same moment he felt himself in danger, and knowing him he would blame the commander for everything— And he has something I don’t: a very powerful father, that is why he feels untouchable…he leaves me no choice, I’ll have to finish him before he can do as much as open his mouth to blame me…but how? –but then, he knew exactly what to do. Philotas hated Alexander so much that it wasn’t a mystery for anyone and, as far as Krateros knew, the King had no love for him either. What if he proved that Philotas was conspiring against the King? He smiled while the idea formed in his mind, a treason accusation that was something that not even Parmelio could fix—But first things first, I have to find that letter and find out how much did Hektor heard the other…HEKTOR!

 

- Philotas.

 

- What? –asked the hipparch rudely.

 

- Has your brother Hektor been at your tent recently? –the commander needed to know.

 

- I don’t see my brothers much, but…I think he stopped by a few days ago –Krateros felt his pulse accelerated—Why do you ask?

 

- I just wanted to know if he mentioned something about our talk the other day –said the commander.

 

Philotas poured more wine in his cup.

 

- I told you, Hektor doesn’t know a thing –he looked into the empty jar and frowned—More wine! –he shouted at the owner.

 

If Philotas doesn’t suspect a thing better for me –thought Krateros, thinking that he had to pay Hektor a visit.

 

XXX

 

Alexander returned to Memphis a week after Hephaistion got the letter from Hektor. So far, Philotas hadn’t tried anything; he didn’t even talked to him or gave him as much as one look, which was great for the General at the same time it was preoccupying. He had been thinking all week about what to do with Glaukos’ letter and, he still had no idea.

 

It was night, and again, Hephaistion was awake. Two weeks without sleep was too many and he was sick and tired of his ceiling, night after night he just stayed there, lying motionless…

 

Achilles had gone finally to sleep after telling him all afternoon about the new city his uncle had ordered to build and their trip through the Nile; he was tired, very tired, but sleep refused to come to him. The General stood up, tired of just being laying there. As usual it was a hot night; his naked skin appeared to be silver, slightly bathed by the pale light of the moon, coming through the open window. Hephaistion looked for his dagger, resting on his desk and saw the blade with unusual attention, mesmerized, lost in that moment.

 

An idea, that had struck him years ago, took form again in his mind, as he saw clearly that all his problems had the same cause: his beauty. It would be so easy…he saw the edge seriously considering the possibility of cutting his face, just a scar to make that face, that had only brought suffering, less attractive…  

 

The General drooped the dagger; the metallic sound against the floor woke him up. What was he thinking?

 

I need help –he admitted for the first time. This was too much and he had to be humble enough to accept that this situation was bigger than him.

 

He got dress and went to the King’s residence in the city. Technically it was a short walk but for him, that night, it was the longest of his live. The General had thought more than once in the possibility of burning that letter, but as soon as he held the parchment in front of the flames, he felt as if his own life were there, in his hand, waiting to be burned and finally disappear into ashes.

 

He had ran away from his past many times, and he was sick of it, he was not a coward and this night he would face his past and the most terrible moment of his life, it was the only way to overcome this.

 

- Sir! –the guards stood to attention when they saw their General.

 

Hephaistion ignored them and entered the King’s residence. It was late, but the General suspected the King was awake, he had many things to do and Alexander didn’t need to sleep much. The pages admitted him immediately and, in a heartbeat, he was in the presence of the King.

 

- Phai, I was wondering when were you going to remember me –Alexander kissed him as soon as the door was closed behind them—Gods I missed you…I should have never listened to you and left you here –he tried to kiss him again but Hephaistion didn’t let him—What’s wrong?

 

- We need to talk –said Hephaistion and that put the King on alert. Last time they “needed to talk” it had been because of the whole situation with Memnon, what had happened now?—Do you have time?

 

- For you, always –said Alexander without thinking it twice. 

 

They sat on a magnificent couch that had been part of the Great King’s furniture; the windows were wide open and a soft refreshing breeze could be felt, cooling the bedroom. This was the best room of that magnificent place, always with the perfect temperature inside, and, with the most wonderful view of the garden and the city beyond the walls.

 

The General looked among his cloths, feeling his hands trembling slightly, and handed him the letter.

 

- I…think you should read this –he said, brushing his hair behind his ear.

 

- What’s this? –Alexander took it and examined the seal without recognizing it.

 

- This is a letter that Glaukos, your father’s old steward, sent to Philotas telling him…—Hephaistion had thought about this carefully but, voicing it was more difficult than he had expected—Telling him everything about my rape.

 

Now the King looked positively confused and surprised.

 

- Why? –that was the only question he could ask.

 

- I don’t know, but…I have been thinking about this, a lot, and I want you to know what happened with your father when I was still a page –said the General, trying his best to keep his voice still.

 

Alexander held his gaze and, for a moment, he didn’t know what to say. He had always wanted to know what had happened, he wanted to ask many things, but he never found the right moment or the appropriate words and, last time he had touched that subject directly, had been that night, 10 years ago at Mieza, when Hephaistion punched him and ran away in the middle of a storm.

 

It was pointless to force his beloved to say something he didn’t want to share, and after so many years, the King had learned that, when he wanted to know something, something intimate about Hephaistion, the best thing he could do was to wait patiently until the General told him voluntarily.

 

- All right, but –the King stood up and went to the table, where an oil lamp was burning—I want you to tell me –he approached the corner of letter to the fire and Hephaistion watched surprised how the parchment was consumed, bending to the power of fire, blackened, and eventually becoming ashes. It was so easy. A letter that had caused him so much suffering had disappeared in a heartbeat—If you truly want me to know what happened I want to hear it from your mouth. I don’t care what Glaukos wrote, I want to hear you.

 

His beloved hadn’t expected this and for a moment he felt scared and lost, talk about it? That was outraged, how could he possibly talk about it when all he wanted to do was forget everything? He had come with all the intentions of letting the King read that letter and end with this whole affair, but this...

 

No, I’m mistaken. I came here to stop running away from my past, and Alexander is right, I can’t do this unless I face my problems –he thought taking a deep breath.  

 

- You are right –he said at last, while Alexander took a seat at his side again.

 

- Phai –he took his hands, caressing the back with his thumb—I love you, and I want to help you but you never let me, every time I try to get close to your problems, to understand what bothers you, you closed yourself. It’s like that time when we were wrestling and you suddenly freaked out –the General saw the curtains behind the King as if they were the most interesting things he had ever seen—I don’t want to force you to tell me something you don’t want to, but…Best friends share everything, do you remember? –his beloved tried to speak but his voice failed him and he just nodded—I would like to tell you that I know this is difficult for you but, the truth is I don’t. I have no idea what is to live with the memory of what my father did to you and I have no idea of how you cope with that –he looked for his eyes, for those beautiful and mysterious gray eyes that had fascinated him since the first time he saw them—But, I want to understand.

 

Hephaistion had to clear his throat several times before he could answer that. He had been a fool and only now he understood that, he should have came straight to Alexander since Philotas told him about his plans. He didn’t come before because he didn’t want to bother the King and, because he wanted to protect him, but now…watching those eyes full of love and concern for him he realized that he hadn’t had to suffer alone.

 

- You are right…—he said after a long moment—I have been a fool.

 

- But a beautiful one, so you are forgiven –Alexander smiled at him and that made him feel better. He took a deep breath again.

 

Where to start? There was so much to say that he felt the words stuck in his throat, as if all of them wanted to go out at the same time and, at the end, not even one found its way. He decided to start at the beginning, with that night when he was on duty at the palace corridors, how a very drunk Philip had forced him, and how many times after that the same nightmare happened again and again. Hephaistion talked without making pauses, at some points Alexander thought he wasn’t even breathing, it was like a torrent, once he had managed to voice the most horrible experience in his life, he couldn’t stop, and soon the King found himself overwhelmed with all that information, overwhelmed, impressed, angry, sad…

 

- Your father forced more so many times –Hephaistion said slowly—You only saw me once, but he…took me every time he wanted and, almost every time, Glaukos had to call doctor Philip to treat my wounds.

 

- I know, I saw it –Alexander didn’t recognize his voice in that moment, but he would need time to absorb everything he had heard that night.

 

- But he also, gave me gifts –the General tried his best to not cry, but to tell Alexander this was more difficult than anything he had done so far—You saw the horse for example, but…he also gave me jewels, I never accept them and he kept forcing me. Then, he tried to…you know, to give me important commands in the army, telling me that, I would never achieve anything important without his help –the King just nodded, Hephaistion had told him about this long ago, after the failure of the Byzantium campaign, but he said nothing, he didn’t want to interrupt—…but I sometimes wonder if I did wrong…

 

- What are you talking about, Phai? –Alexander frowned.

 

- He…was the King, maybe if I hadn’t refused his gifts and…—Hephaistion cleared his throat again—He raped me despite all my efforts and maybe…If I hadn’t refused him, he wouldn’t have raped me… 

 

- Phai, look at me –that was too much, and Alexander couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore— You have no idea of what are you talking about.

 

- Yes, I have…it was my fault –there, this was the first time in more than 10 years that he said this aloud, this was something that had been eating him for a long time. Hephaistion thought he had overcome his rape, but the truth was that he just stopped thinking about it, pretending that it never happened, that was why it was so difficult to talk about it, because talking about it made everything real once again—I…shouldn’t refused him in the way I did…It was my fault because…I was so weak, I couldn’t defend myself…

 

The General was a proud man, and that humiliation was burned in his soul forever. He had made sure that wouldn’t happen again by training until he was the strongest Macedonian warrior in the whole army, and the memory of himself as a weak child incapable of stopping Philip made him sick.

 

- Sometimes –Hephaistion continued in a low voice—I want to pretend that…that boy in Philip’s bed wasn’t me, I like to think that that happened to someone else, because I can’t stand the memory of me being so pathetic…and that is why it was my fault.

 

- Listen to me very carefully –Alexander cupped his face between his hands, scared by the dark tone in his beloved’s voice—You were 13 years old, and Philip was the King. This was not your fault; do you understand me?

 

Even if he didn’t want to cry Hephaistion couldn’t stop the thick tear that slid down his cheek.

 

- There must be something wrong with me…

 

- There is nothing wrong with you –the strength in Alexander’s voice was such, that he could have convinced the rocks to start marching. 

 

- Then, why do these things keep happening to me?! –that took the King aback for a moment—Why?   

 

But then, Alexander started to remember what Hephaistion had said about that letter and…

 

- Philotas –said the King as realization struck him—What did Philotas do to you?

 

The General had completely forgotten about Philotas. He felt exhausted after his confession, and was in no mood to talk about the hipparch, but he had to do it.

 

- He wanted to sleep with me using that letter –Alexander was furious, even more, because now he had someone to blame, someone to vent his anger on.

 

- He did WHAT? –Hephaistion put his hands over the King’s.

 

- I didn’t let him –the General reassured him.

 

Alexander stood up and paced around furious.

 

- I’m sick of Philotas! –he exclaimed, angry as his beloved had seen him very few times.

 

- Alex…please, just leave him –Hephaistion was in no conditions to deal with an angry Alexander, he was still to shaken with all those emotions crowded in his chest.  

 

- Leave him? –the King couldn’t believe his ears—Phai, I couldn’t protect you from my father, but Philotas…

 

- Philotas won’t cause more problems –the General interrupted him, he didn’t want to argue, to fight, he just wanted to rest in his King’s arms.

 

- How do you know that? –Alexander sat down again and his beloved shook his head.

 

- I don’t know how to explain it…I just know, please –he embraced the King and hid his face in his neck—I don’t want you to have problems with Parmelio, just…

 

- Parmelio is not the King –Alexander raised slightly his voice, ready to start a 2 hours discussion on why he should execute Philotas that same night, but then, he felt Hephaistion’s body trembling and little by little, he regained his calm. He kissed the General’s head and patted his back.

 

In those moments his beloved was again 13 years old and, what he needed was his caring lover, not the vengeful King.

 

- All right, just for now, but I promise you this, in the first opportunity I have, I’ll kill him –Hephaistion moved his head. 

 

They fell silent.

 

- Do you still want to know why did I freak out after our last wrestle match? –his beloved said suddenly.

 

- Only if you want to tell me –Alexander answered softly.

 

- Because you had me in the same position…your father had me the…first time he…

 

- It’s fine, you don’t have to tell me more –the King interrupted him, feeling like the worst person on the face of the earth for that stupid idea of having Hephaistion in that rough way after their wrestle match. But how could he have known?

 

- Just embrace me, please –Hephaistion needed him, he needed to feel those arms around him, making him feel as if nothing bad could happen.

 

Alexander did as his beloved asked. He embraced him. He wanted to tell Hephaistion that he loved him more than anything, and would always be there for him, but he knew that words weren’t enough to show him his feeling, what to do then? Slowly, the King moved away from his General, to the latter’s confusion, and took off his cloths.

 

- What are you doing? –asked Hephaistion softly and, as an answer, Alexander started to loose his General’s clothes.

 

- Do you trust me? 

 

- Wha…?

 

- Just answer me; do you trust me? –the King insisted, holding his gaze with intensity.

 

- You know that I do –there wasn’t the slightest trace of doubt in his voice and, that made Alexander smile.

 

The King took Hephaistion’s chiton off, leaving him completely naked before him. His beloved felt terribly expose, he had opened his heart and let Alexander know about his darker moments, and now, being naked in front of him, made him feel vulnerable…it was a feeling difficult to explain, it was as if the King could watch him for the first time as he was, the real Hephaistion. The General turned his head, unable to face him and then, he felt the King’s arms around him, embracing him tightly.

 

At first, having Alexander’s body pressed against him, his skin against his skin, took him by surprise, but then, little by little, he abandoned himself in his arms. Hephaistion embraced the King surrounding his waist, and he inhaled the scent of his skin, relaxed in his warmth and lost himself in its smoothness. He didn’t resist when Alexander took him to bed to continue holding him for long moments that appeared to extend to eternity. There was only one way to remove those bad memories and that was creating new ones, Alexander wanted to replace the memory of his father's body with his own, covering his beloved with gentle strokes so that all that Hephaistion could think of were his fingers over his skin.

 

His beloved took a lock of his blond hair and curled it in his fingers, absently, feeling the King’s lips kissing his forehead, his eyelids, caressing him with his breath, lips and nose. Alexander slid his lips through his face, exploring every inch of his beloved’s features, sliding down the curve of his cheeks, tickling him with his eyelashes, exploring the depressions of his eyes, outlining his eyebrows and touring through his jaw bone, until he finally reached his lips.

 

First, the King slipped his mouth over Hephaistion’s, giving him time to get used to his touch, then, he left a trail of sweet kisses, and as soon as his beloved returned them, Alexander found himself kissing him deeply and slowly. His beloved’s body relaxed completely. He loved the King’s sweet mouth, and the immense love conveyed in every kiss, making him feel special, the most precious thing in the universe. Each kiss took him away from the edge of the abyss, each kiss saved him from drowning in his own hell, each kiss made him happy.

 

They never knew for how long they were embraced or for how long they were sharing kisses and soft loving words, but, at some point, they fell asleep with their fingers interlaced. 

 

XXX

 

To Publius Cornelius Scipio, from Hephaistion son of Amyntor. Hail!

 

It has been a while since the last time I had an opportunity to write to you; I apologize but first my duties with the fleet and, now all the pending things with the army resting in Egypt, consumed all my time.

 

It had been 2 months since we arrived. Alexander was crowned Pharaoh, the priests placed a double crown on his head, and the crook and fail in his hands. A very impressive ceremony in which he was named God and King, incarnation and son of Ra and Osiris, Horus the Golden One, the mighty prince, beloved of Amen, King of Upper and Lower Egypt (1)

 

And, as you can imagine, this are very welcome news, now Egypt is part of the Macedonian possessions along with its vast grain supply and their treasury. Although I must say we didn’t get as much gold here as we found after our victory at Issus, only 800 Talents and all the royal furniture. Our new Pharaoh has already ordered the restoration of 2 temples for the Egyptians delight: one at Karnak and other at Luxor, the priests couldn’t be happier. And believe me, keeping the priests happy it’s the best way to assure Egypt’s loyalty.

 

Right now we are heading to Siwah, a mystical and sacred place when one of the most revered oracles had it’s home. Alexander wanted to go since weeks ago because, if legends are to be believed, my King’s ancestors: Perseus and Herakles consulted this same oracle; but his duties didn’t allow him to leave until now. A march of 6 week is now ahead of us to cross the desert.

 

I’ll tell you in my next letter how was our adventure there, I’m afraid that I must leave you now.

 

XXX

 

(1) Peter Green. Alexander of Macedon, p 269.