CHAPTER 100

 

- I’m not drunk –Alexander complained, sitting on the passenger seat of Julius’ dark Bentley. It was almost 1 a.m. and every now and then the Macedonian had to close his eyes when the lights of the few cars that could be seen in that warmth night, dazzled him. 

 

- I know, I have seen you drunk and trust me I can tell the difference –the Roman was calmed, eyes on the road, he didn’t mind to play the babysitter part with his rock star, in fact he was bored, reading in his study, when Alexander arrived unexpectedly at his house.

 

- You don’t have to drive me home –the Macedonian threw his head back, closing his eyes for a moment, his shoulder didn’t hurt as much as before but it was a nuisance to use that sling. If it weren’t for Hephaistion he would have burned the damn thing long ago in the middle of their garden. 

 

- You may not be drunk but you are upset and angry –Julius turned the car to the left—I don’t trust you to drive like this. 

 

Alexander puffed his cheek out. After Hephaistion had left with Scipio he had called Julius and, luckily, he had found his manager at home, alone, so he had rushed to pay him a visit. But after 2 drinks and hours complaining about Scipio, Julius decided to take him back home to rest.

 

- I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to see Scipio –the Macedonian whispered, catching the Roman’s attention. It took Julius a second to decide what to do; he turned again to the left and, suddenly, stopped his car. Alexander opened his eyes when he heard the engine off, and saw they were at the side of a park—What are we doing here? –but Julius didn’t answer and got out the car, the soft night breeze snuck into the car for a few seconds before the door shut again—What the…?

 

Alexander unleashed his seat belt and went after him. Two of the streetlights were not working, one blinking light that was starting to annoy him while following the Roman through the children’s playground, and the other hopelessly dead. The place was dark and lonely, it was like a graveyard and even the swings looked sinister in that night without moon; he could see his manager’s silhouette in front of him, until he stopped, reaching the benches near the swings where several moths were flying near the only light that seem to work.

 

- What are we doing here? –asked the Macedonian, scaring with his hand a hungry mosquito that was planning to have him for dinner. Julius didn’t answer; he took a seat on the bench and stretched his legs to the front. 

 

- You don’t want to go home and I think we should talk –that definitely wasn’t the answer Alexander was expecting, but again, his manager wasn’t exactly the most common, ordinary, normal and predictable person on the planet, only one thing was sure with him: you never got bored at his side. The Macedonian sat down beside him.

 

- I thought you were tired of me after my 2 hours speech of why Scipio is a pain in my ass –said the blond.

 

- I’m pretty much fed up with that –Julius admitted with a smile, his short blond hair was slightly disheveled and a lock especially long covered one of his eyes, those eyes that appear to lock inside a most powerful force than himself, something that had to be content—What I want to know is why does he bother you so much?

 

Alexander turned to look at him with eyes wide open.

 

- Why?! –he exclaimed barely believing his ears—I gave you one hundred reasons why…

 

- No –the Roman interrupted him—You gave me one hundred reasons of why you think he is the most despicable man on earth but you never told me WHY does he bother you –the Macedonian fell silent for a second, of course he understood the question but he wanted to discover how much his manager knew or think he knew about him—You said you know that Hephaistion loves you, then, why do you care if Scipio likes him or not?… You, for example, are a rock star, I imagine that right now more than one girl, or boy, in some part of the world, is alone in his or her room dreaming about you, and I’m sure that doesn’t bother Hephaistion because people can dream all they want, that doesn’t mean that all their dreams are going to come true –Alexander watched him in silence— So, why does Scipio’s interest in your lover bothers you?… And don’t give me that crap about trusting Hephaistion but not Scipio, because you know that it’s not true. 

 

The Macedonian watched him in silence for a moment.

 

I was right, I never get bored with Julius –thought Alexander amused.

 

He knew perfectly well why did he hated Scipio…why he had hated Memnon and why he reacted like this with every man or woman who claimed to like his beloved, it was just that…he had never before told this to anyone, it was easier to say anything, throw a few cheap lines of why was he so jealous. He wasn’t used to be analyzed like this, at least not by another person besides Hephaistion, it was usually he the one who could read people as easily as reading the newspaper.

 

He took his time and watched Julius closely, thinking if he should open his heart to him, tell him the truth or just what his manager wanted to hear, he was good at that, acting, saying what he had at the right moment to have everyone happy in order to obtain from them what he wanted, but...watching those cold blue eyes he knew he couldn’t deceive him.

 

The truth it is –he decided.

 

Once he had told Hephaistion he liked to talk to his manager, and that was true, but they had never talked like this, not a deep, significant, heart to heart talk. Julius was very careful to never say anything too personal and the Macedonian didn’t need to open his heart to him, he had his beloved for that. But now, he needed to talk about Hephaistion and Julius was just perfect for that…

 

- Hephaistion…–Alexander started slowly, his uneven eyes on the swings, choosing his words carefully. How much should he tell the Roman?—He is everything to me; my sanity, my strength my other half. I can’t imagine how would my life be if he wasn’t at my side.

 

- And you are afraid that someone could steal him from you? –the Macedonian shook his head.

 

- Not exactly…sometimes I’m afraid that Hephaistion could stop being my special someone, only mine. I have never doubt that he loves me, he does and he would always love me but I can’t stand the idea of him giving to other person something that it’s mine –said Alexander with intensity—I don’t know if this has any sense.     

 

- It does, at least for me –said Julius, he lifted his head watching the night sky—You and I are not like other men –he said measuring every word—And we don’t like to undermine our dignitas because that is what we are –the Macedonian nodded with a smile. His dignitas, he hadn’t put a name to that but Julius was right, his worthiness, dignity, status, position, standing, esteem, importance and honor, in one word dignitas; one word that could define his very essence—If you consider Hephaistion your other half then he is an extension of your dignitas and therefore you expect that he behaves according to that; but since Hephaistion is his own person sometimes he doesn’t behave as you want and that makes you angry because you have no control over him and you are a person who likes having things under control.

 

- Interesting –said Alexander impressed.

 

- And somehow, for what I have seen, you also like not having control over Hephaistion but, in situations like this, you feel it’s driving you crazy.   

 

- Now you are also a psychic? –there was only one person in this world who understood him like this: Hephaistion, and it was truly a shock to find another one who knew how to interpret his most intimate feelings—How could you possible know all this?

 

Julius turned to see him again.

 

- I told you, because you and I are not like other men –he said—We are more alike than you think.

 

He is right –thought the Macedonian—We are alike, he can see my demons and my fears, because he sees life as I do, but, we are also very different.   

 

- Have you ever been in love? –that was a very personal question and one that Alexander had been asking himself since the first day they met. Julius was a womanizer and even if he had been married 3 times and had a very long relationship with his mistress Servilia, the Macedonian truly doubted he felt something for any of those women.

 

For a moment Alexander thought he wasn’t going to answer, and that was pretty common of his manager, never to answer personal questions, it was as if he didn’t want people getting to know him well. The Macedonian understood him, he used to be like that long ago, when he was still a boy, before meeting Hephaistion, and soon he found himself wondering if he would have been like Julius if he hadn’t found his soul-mate.

 

- Just once –said the Roman at last. Alexander had been honest with him, he decided to be honest too—With my first wife, Cornelia Cinna; we used to called Cinilla. 

 

- She is the mother of your daughter? –Julius nodded; the Macedonian had seen photos of her, a beautiful young woman of long black hair so alike little Julia—What happened to her?

 

- She died –Alexander wasn’t expecting that—In childbirth and it was…something very difficult for me –this was the first time in a very long time that he talked about Cinilla, it was a wound that still bled in his heart and he didn’t like to be driven by his emotions— We got married when I was 15 years old, she was younger, and she practically grew up with me.

 

- Why? I mean, why do you got married so young?

 

- Because of my uncle Marius, he insisted –there was something in Julius voice that told Alexander that “insisted” had been more like “ordered”. 

 

- Why did you obey him? –the Macedonian wanted to know—You are not the type who do as others say.

 

- No I’m not, but I was young and my family had a debt with him –the Roman continued—My family was broke and the only way my grandfather found to save our honor and good name was to marry my aunt Julia to Marius, who was very rich…don’t look at me like that, my aunt was truly in loved with him. Marius helped my father and my uncle with their political careers, so we owed him. He was a good man but after his strokes Marius changed, he became bitter and paranoid.

 

They fell silent for a long moment.

 

- How did you survive? –asked Alexander—After Cinilla’s death, if you loved her and she was your childhood love…how…—he couldn’t even imagine how would feel to loose Hephaistion, how could someone survive after your heart is rip off from your chest?

 

- It was hard but…I think I survived after I stop caring about other women –the Macedonian was taken aback by that answer—To love someone is to suffer, to make her problems your own and to give that person a part of you, once that person is gone a part of you dies too…I don’t like being vulnerable so I don’t let people get to know me more than I’m willing to let them.

 

- But you don’t have any friends either.

 

- Male friends you mean –Alexander nodded and Julius sighed—That’s another story. 

 

- I have time –the Roman smiled.

 

- I guess you have…—Julius took a deep breath, thinking how to explain one of the most embarrassing moments of his life—When I was 18 years old, I was sent to do my military service to the East. I was ordered to go with this Asian ruler, Nicomedes, and asked for his country naval support. It took me longer than I have planned and, by the time I go back, my superior officer assumed that I had slept with Nicomedes in order to obtain the naval support –up went Alexander’s eyebrow in surprise.

 

- Did you? –the question left his lips before he could stop it. 

 

- Of course not! –this was the first time he saw the Roman angry, it was clear that he hated to talk about this—Nicomedes was almost 70 years old, it was a ridiculous accusation… But the damage was done and that was a very juicy gossip in Rome for some time. 

 

Alexander understood very well why. Julius was very handsome, blond, slender, charming…and to imagine him at his 18 years old with a lecherous old Asian ruler was very tempting.

 

- So, you don’t have close male friends because you don’t want people to think you are gay –the Macedonia summarized.

 

- Yes.

 

- But, that’s ridiculous –said Alexander, frowning—You are going to be alone because you don’t like to feel vulnerable and you don’t want people talking about your sexual preferences.

 

- Alexander, everything in this life has a price to pay –said Julius slowly—You don’t like to be alone and you like to feel loved, so you married Hephaistion despite what your family or the world say, but you have a price to pay, you have to endure Scipio for instance, and now you are angry and imagining all the things Hephaistion and he could be doing right now –he held the Macedonian’s gaze— I don’t want to be controlled like that by anyone, so I pay the price to be alone. 

 

- But, you don’t care for anyone?

 

- Of course I do, I’m not a monster –he smiled and this time, his smile reached his eyes, warming them a little—I love my mother and my daughter Julia. It’s just that I don’t think a man can achieve great things if he depends so much on other people.

 

- Like me and Hephaistion.

 

- What would you do if he dies tonight? –the intensity of the question made Alexander shuddered.

 

- I would probably die too –Julius nodded—But I prefer that to live a long life alone.

 

- I’m not trying to convince you to think like me –said the Roman—There is more than one way to do things but I don’t think I could be like you.

 

- Maybe not but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends –that was unexpected for Julius and he looked puzzled for a moment—Everybody knows I’m married and I don’t think someone could think that we have something else…besides you do a great job as a womanizer, Perdikkas worship you like a God for all the top models you date –that made the Roman laugh—I always wanted to ask you, do you really sleep with the wives of your enemies?

 

- I prefer to call them opponents, but yes, I do sleep with their wives –said Julius without a trace of shame. 

 

- Now I’m grateful that I have no wife.

 

- No, but last time I check you have a quite beautiful sister –said the Roman teasing him.

 

- Now you are messing with me –Julius laughed again, but this time a sincere and amuse laugh. 

 

- You got me.

 

They fell silent again. It was fascinating for Alexander to find someone so alike and so different; it was like watching himself at his 34 years old and with a completely different life. But Julius was not him, he was cold and distant but he was also ambitious and brilliant.

 

- What do you want Julius? –the Macedonian wanted to know—What do you want to accomplish in this life?  

 

- What a philosophical question…I just want to preserve my dignitas and to be the first among equals –said the Roman—And you?

 

- I want immortality –said Alexander without hesitation.

 

- A little vague, don’t you think?

 

- No, I don’t.

 

They fell silent again.

 

- Julius –said Alexander softly, and the cold blue eyes of his manager settled on him. It was as if nothing could disturb his manager—I want to kiss you.

 

It was impossible to know what was the Roman thinking, but there was something in his eyes that had changed, was he surprise? Scared? Angry? Offended? It was so difficult to tell.

 

- All right –Julius voice was calm and soft but firm, if he was nervous he did a great job hiding it, he held his gaze and dropped his voice until it was a whisper— But the question here is, what are you going to do about it?

 

Was he challenging him? Toying with him? Mocking him? For once Alexander didn’t know, he was good reading people’s reactions, but Julius was like Hephaistion: unpredictable, and that had him fascinated. He knew his manager was very skilful manipulating people, but he too knew how to make men do his bidding. This was a challenge, the Macedonian decided at last, both had a strong personality and both knew perfectly well what they wanted.

 

In that moment Alexander realized this had nothing to do with love, this was about who could overpower the other and had his way, and if there was something that Alexander loved was to prove people wrong when he was told he couldn’t do something and, in that moment Julius was telling that without uttering a word: “you can’t do it” The Macedonian smiled with arrogance and self-sufficiency and closed the distance between them, the Roman didn’t move and soon they were inches apart.   

 

- You asked the wrong question –whispered Alexander, they were so close that he could feel Julius steady breathing hitting his eager lips—It’s not about what I’m going to do about it, but what can I do. 

 

The Roman was amused.

 

- Let me ask you something –now his voice was like a terse caress—Why do you want to kiss me?

 

The Macedonian felt a tickling running through his body, now he understood why women threw morals and good manners in the air to be with him and cried a river after he dumped them.

 

- I like you.

 

- Wrong answer –Julius cocked his head and saw him through narrowed eyes—Maybe you like me, but you like more what I make you feel, the thought of…owning me like you feel you own Hephaistion. There is no merit in giving yourself to a lesser man, am I wrong? –he had read Alexander quite well—That is also why you are so possessive with your lover, you don’t like the idea that, a man that you consider your equal, could be with someone below you. 

 

- And what about you? You don’t want me to kiss you because you are afraid –judging by the Roman’s expression he was right—You have worked so hard to clean your name after what happened with Nicomedes that you don’t know what are you going to do if I kiss you –the Macedonian smiled—Don’t worry, there is no one here, and I promise to keep my mouth shut.

 

Now Alexander was patronizing him, and Julius didn’t like that, he was too proud for this. His features suddenly hardened and he lifted his head again, it looked like it was going to rain, and the warmth air started to blow cold.

 

- We should go… —he never finished that sentence. The Roman felt Alexander’s lips on his own, a soft kiss that ended too quickly just as if had never happened, like the caress of a butterfly. He didn’t move, it was as if the Macedonian had kissed a marble statue.

 

- Was it as bad as you thought? –Alexander’s husky voice had a trace of pride and superiority.

 

He thinks he won –said Julius to himself. This was a game, and he was a bad loser.

 

- You call that a kiss? –he teased the Macedonian and, before Alexander could think of something to answer that, he kissed him in a way that nobody had kissed him before.

 

Julius slowly parted his lips with the tip of his tongue, a hand grabbed Alexander behind the neck to force him to make the head back and then, the Macedonian parted his lips without even noticing consciously what was he doing. This was not like the loving kisses of Hephaistion, the Roman was demanding, savagely devouring his lips, he knew where to touch him to make him burn to the very core of his desire, promising the most exquisite paradise at his side. Julius nibbled his lower lip, challenging him with this kiss until he heard Alexander moan softly, then louder. He wanted the Macedonian trembling under his touch, wanting more, completely surrender to his mercy, he wanted to strip him of all his defenses, and, for a moment, Alexander was overwhelmed under that avalanche of sensations, unable to think, just to feeling.

 

Little by little the Macedonian started to regain his brain activity, he cursed again his injured shoulder that didn’t let him do as his body demanded, he circled the Roman’s waist with his good arm, embracing him; but, in the same moment Julius felt his body so close to him, that unfamiliar strong body, he pushed him away.

 

He saw the Macedonian, panting, through the locks of his messy hair. The red spots on Alexander’s cheeks were the living proof that he had enjoyed that kiss more than he should.

 

What was I doing? –Julius asked himself, he almost lost control of the situation. Never before a kiss had been so dangerous.

 

- I’ll take you home.

 

What? What home? –for a moment Alexander didn’t even know what was his name, but then, Julius stood up and went back to his car, leaving behind a very horny and puzzled Macedonian feeling the cold breeze against his burning lips.

 

Hephaistion…wake up…you are dreaming.

 

Who are you?

 

You don’t remember me anymore?

 

That voice…But, who are you?

 

I just came to say good-bye Phai…take care, son.

 

Dad?

 

Hephaistion opened his eyes lazily. He felt he couldn’t wake up, it was as if an invisible hand were pressing his body down and his eyelids were feeling so heavy, …first he felt lost, he didn’t know where he was, still on the ship? Back at his room in the house of his parents? Until he heard the familiar snoring at his side he understood he was at the King’s bedroom. It was dark and the stillness around him only served to make the turmoil in his heart worst. He was like a stranger in the King’s room, an intruder…he felt uneasy, and soon his dream came back to him, slowly, he remembered the images and…his father’s death.

 

But that is impossible, it’s just a dream –he told himself, but a voice deep inside told him Amyntor was dead. Before Hephaistion could do anything, thick tears ran down his cheeks and he buried his face in his pillow, he didn’t want to wake Alexander up, he didn’t want to answer the awkward question “what’s wrong?” because he didn’t even have an answer to that, he just wanted to cry alone…cry until his eyes were dried and his body tired enough to feel pain, only a blissful numbness caused by the lack of energy.

 

Sleep eluded him the rest of the night, he envied Alexander for sleeping like that, like a baby, oblivious to what was going on around him; more than once he felt the urge to wake him up but at the end he decided it was better this way. The General stood up before dawn, it was pointless to stay in bed after that strange dream and the avalanche of emotions that crashed against him.

 

He went to look for his grandfather before attending to his duties and found him still sleeping in his tent, just as he had expected. Hephaistion looked at the peaceful face of Demetrios and found himself torn between envy at watching his grandfather sleeping like that, why was he the only one awake? And shame, he didn’t want to disturb him but it was necessary.

 

He shook Demetrios by the shoulder and his grandfather grumbled something before opening his eyes.

 

- What? –he asked with a husky voice.       

 

- It’s nothing don’t get alarm –Hephaistion tried to reassure him—I just want to ask you something.

 

Grandfather Demetrios blinked several times until his eyes adjusted to the darkness.

 

- It’s not even dawn, isn’t it?

 

- That’s right.

 

- And what’s so damn important to wake me up at this ungodly hour? –his grandfather yawned and sat with infinite laziness. The General sat down at his side.

 

- I’m sorry grandpa, I couldn’t sleep and I…have you any news about dad? –the question took grandfather Demetrios by surprise.

 

- He wrote me a month ago, while we were still at Gaza –said his grandfather—He told me about King Agis and his revolt, about Antipater’s plans to deal with the Spartans…oh! Your mother was sick but now is much better, apparently she caught a cold or something like that. Cadie has a suitor –grandfather Demetrios smiled—But Cadie is too stubborn and she says she won’t get married, the cat, Alexandra had kittens…they are fine, why do you ask?

 

Hephaistion shook his head.

 

- Curiosity, I haven’t heard much of my father lately, I think…I should write to him –there was something in his voice that caught his grandfather’s attention.

 

- Do you think something happened at Pella?

 

- No…I don’t know but I have a bad feeling, I think something bad happened to dad –that alarmed grandfather Demetrios who, like the great majority of the Macedonians of that time, believed in omens and divine signs.

 

- Let’s hope not, and just in case, I’ll tell your uncle to make a sacrifice to the Gods –Hephaistion said nothing and stood up. If his father was dead, and he was sure he was, there was nothing that a sacrifice could do for him.

 

- Sorry for waking you up, I have to go –the General walked to the entrance and went to his men’s tents, he needed to get distracted.